Sam: Hey, get back here, all of you, right now. You mean to tell me that you guys are baling out on me?
Man: Sam, I'm telling you, within a month there'll be wild music and guys dancing and exchanging phone numbers.
Diane: You know, Sam, you've got some really great friends here. You've gone out of your way to make a bar where customers can feel like they belong, part of a family. Now they're walking out on you.
Man: We don't want them.
Diane: Quiet. Perhaps we should step into the back room. Anyone having something intelligent to say can follow me. [nobody follows] Fine. Anyone with a two-bit opinion.

Diane: I'm sorry I'm late, but wait till you hear what I've been doing. This afternoon, I spent five entire hours in a sensory deprivation tank.
Carla: Your room?
Diane: I'm telling you, it was incredible. Never have I felt more aware and sensitive to what's going on around me.
Man: Excuse me.
Diane: Oh, excuse me. You see, the whole idea is that there's a total lack of sensory input. [looks around] What the hell's going on here?
Cliff: It's a book promotion party.
Diane: How can that be in a place where no one can read?

Coach: I always loved that kid Tommy. I mean, he was just a riot. He was always pulling something.
Cliff: Is that right?
Coach: Yeah, like, he put my toothbrush in a pair of sweaty socks. He left dead animals in my locker. One time, him and some guys held me down and shaved my whole body.
Cliff: Coach, you just let him do that to you?
Coach: No, no, Cliff. What I did was- He was trying to cram me into one of these clothes dryers one day. I pulled his socks right over his spikes.
Norm: Good one, Coach.
Coach: Yeah, the guys, what a laugh the guys got. I could see them through that little window. They were laughing.

Coach: Tommy, it's so good to see you.
Tom: Hey, Coach, good to see you. How you doing?
Coach: Just great. Tommy, you remember the time you put the analgesic balm in my jockstrap?
Tom: Yeah.
Coach: I think of you every time I get the itch.
Tom: Well, it's good to be remembered, Coach.

Diane: He was denying who he was. He's no longer doing that.
Sam: I should've known. I remember sitting in a piano bar and he requested a show tune.

Diane: Sam, I do understand why you're upset. You're afraid that now, people will think you're...
Sam: No, I'm not upset. It's just that guys should be guys, Diane. That's all.
Diane: Sam, look. Your friend Tom's out there. He needs your support now more than ever before. He really hasn't changed. He's still the same guy you used to tinkle off balconies with.
Sam: Boy, the world was a lot simpler then, you know.

Tom: Sam, I'm sorry about all this. See, I thought you'd read the book and everything was cool. Well, I don't wanna cause you any more problems, so I'm just gonna take off.
Sam: Damn it.
Tom: Thanks a lot, everybody. It was nice talking to you all again.
Coach: So long, Tommy.
Sam: Tom? You still a gin-and-tonic man?
Diane: Way to go, Mayday.
Sam: I make 'em the way you like 'em. On the house. Coach.

Photographer: Hey, listen, can we get a couple more shots of you guys?
Sam: Yeah, sure. You bet.
Tom: I appreciate this, Sam. I really do.
Sam: You didn't dump me when I had a drinking problem.
Tom: Uh... sure I did. You were just passed out at the time.

Sam: What was that you said yesterday, when they were taking pictures, about Vito's Pub?
Norm: It's nothing. Don't worry about it.
Sam: Talk to me, Norm.
Cliff: Norm, I think it's best he hears it from us. Well, go ahead, tell him the story.
Norm: All right, you heard of Vito's Pub?
Sam: It's a gay bar, right?
Norm: Didn't used to be. It used to be a great bar. I hung out there myself.
Coach: Wow. What a story, Norm.
Norm: I'm not finished.
Coach: There's more?
Norm: One night, Vito lets a gay group hold a meeting in the back room, right? Gays For The Metric System, or something. Story got in the newspaper. Gets a lot of attention. Next thing you know, Vito's Pub turns into... Vito's Pub. All the regulars left, Sammy. Out went the oars and the moose heads, in came plants and ferns. Ferns. Ooh. I just don't want that to happen at Cheers.

Diane: Excuse me. You're talking about them like they're ogres. The fact of the matter is, there are gay people in this bar all the time.
Norm: No way. I haven't seen a gay guy in here in ages.
Diane: I see. So you can spot a gay person?
Norm: A mile away.
Diane: And there are none in here right now?
Norm: Nope. Looks like a straight crowd to me. Too ugly to be gay. Too ugly to be out.