Jack: Say, Cliff, I haven't been to Clancy's in a long time. Is that still as nice a place as it used to be?
Cliff: Jeez, I don't know, Jack. I haven't been there in a long time, myself.
Man: Come on, let's go on over there.
Jack: Good idea.
Sam: Clancy's? Give me a break. You guys are kidding, right?
Norm: Sammy, we'll check in on you in a couple of weeks and we'll just see if Cheers is still the kind of bar where a single woman can be assured of being harassed and hit on.

Sam: OK. Closing time. Everybody out. Harry, how did you get in here?
Harry: I came in the back door.
Sam: I don't have a back door, Harry.
Harry: Well, then, it's my secret.
Diane: I've been serving him all night.
Sam: Hey, Diane, you know I don't like this flimflam man hanging around my bar.
Diane: Oh, Sam, that's a bit unfair, isn't it? Anyone with half a brain can see through his petty scams and tricks.
Harry: You're too kind. Thanks.
Sam: I hope he doesn't try to pull anything on you.
Diane: Me? It is to laugh.
Harry: Diane, you know, I like you, you're a smart chick. Let me help you clean up. You gotta keep the cover on this table, you know when you're not using it, because the heat from the lights will crack the felt. Gotta take care of it.
Diane: Harry, I'll take care of it. You can leave.
Harry: Okay. Okay. Let me save you a couple of steps with the check anyway. I'll pay Sam.
Diane: Oh, oh, thanks. [hands Harry the check]
Harry: Take care of that table now.
Diane: Men can't make beds, either.
Harry: OK, Sam. Thanks a lot. Goodnight.
Sam: Harry. Harry, the bill.
Harry: Oh, it's OK, I paid Diane.
Sam: Harry, I don't trust you.
Harry: Diane, will you tell Sam it's covered?
Diane: It's covered.

Man #1: Could we have a couple of beers, please?
Sam: You bet.
Cliff: Patty-cake alert.
Man #2: Hey, you're Sam Malone.
Sam: That's right.
Man #2: I saw your picture in the paper this morning.
Sam: That's good.
Man #2: Can't wait to read that book. I'm not much of a baseball fan, but it sounds interesting.
Sam: Yeah, it should be pretty good.
Man #2: Hey, listen, could we have light beers, please?
Norm: [scoffs] Light beer.

Sam: I can't believe you're all making such a fuss over two guys walking in a bar.
[Another man joins the two guys at the table]
Cliff: Patty-cake.
Jack: It's an orgy.
Norm: Ferns, Sammy. We're talking ferns.
Diane: You guys. Come on. I've seen you guys hug.
Norm: Yeah, but we hate it.
Cliff: Right.

Norm: All right, gentlemen. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Man: What are you gonna do?
Norm: Coach, last call.
Coach: What are you talking about, last call, Norm? It's quarter to seven.
Norm: Whoo, no time for last call. The glasses have to be off the tables by seven.
Man: Excuse me. This bar closes at seven?
Cliff: Well, only on the first Thursday of every month. You see, we call it Vive la Difference evening. Yeah, we go home to our wives, girlfriends, work benches, power tools...
Man #2: This is the weirdest bar I've ever been in.
Sam: Coach, what the hell are you doing?
Coach: Sam, this is Vive la Difference night. Where the hell did the month go?

Diane: Norman, I think there's something you should know about those guys. They're not gay. In fact, one of them tried to hit on me tonight.
Jack: What? But you said they were.
Diane: I said there were two gay men in the bar. I didn't say who they were. They, along with myself, have had a wonderful time watching you make complete idiots of yourselves. Yeah, the guys I was talking about are still here. Right, guys?
Both: [Two of the guys kiss Norm on the cheek] Right.
Norm: Better than Vera.

Coach: Sam, those guys look OK to me.
Sam: They are OK, Coach.
Cliff: Ah, well, maybe we are a little off base, Norm.
Man: Let's test them out.
Jack: I got an idea. [turns TV on] Hey, look at the bagonzas on that babe.
Diane: Oh, this is medieval.
Coach: I never knew Lorne Greene had bagonzas.
Cliff: Say, Jack, change channel. It's time for the Benito-Venito bout.
Man: Should be a blood match.
Diane: [deep voice] Eh, they're not watching. Let's string 'em up.