Sam: Hey, fellas, look what I've got here.
Tim: What's that?
Sam: You know the bar business is getting more and more competitive. And I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out how I can compete. I think I've finally got the answer.
Paul: A toaster oven?
Sam: Yeah. See what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put some saltines in here, melt some American cheese on top. Serve them to the customers, buck a plate maybe.
Paul: Well, there goes my last reason for staying home.

Sam: Hey, do me a favor, will you fellas? Will you go over to that, uh, Mr. Pubb's place and, uh, bring 'em all back please?
Alan: Oh, I don't know, Sammy.
Sam: Oh, come on.
Tim: It really is kind of far, Sam.
Paul: Yeah, let them come back on their own.
Sam: All right, all right, all right, a complimentary plate of cracker snacks in it for you. What do you say? [they guys confer]
Paul: Each?
Sam: All right, all right, all right. You drive a hard bargain. Get out of here.

Kelly: Excuse me. I'm just not sure how this applies to us.
Lilith: Your religious differences are extremely inconsequential. One is reminded of Gulliver's Travels in which two countries warred over which side of an egg gets cracked: The narrow end or the rounded end.
Kelly: Well, that's ridiculous. Of course it's the rounded end.
Woody: Oh, Kelly, I don't even know who you are anymore!

Rebecca: Sam, give me two beers and a scotch on the rocks.
Sam: I don't get it. Cheers is opening again and none of my close friends are here.
Rebecca: That's because you've sent everybody over to Mr. Pubb's to get Carla, who, by the way, is two hours late. You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of that spooky movie, where those people keep going into the barn and then they disappear. And so they send other people to go in there and they disappear. And then, still others go in the barn and they disappear. And then they find out that there's a psycho killer in there stabbing everybody. What was the name of that movie?
Phil: Don't Go In The Barn.

Sam: Oh, there you are! Hey, fellas!
Group: Hey, Sammy!
Sam: What are you doing here? You're missing, you know, the opening.
Norm: What, it's that late already?
Sam: Is it that late already? You telling me you just been playing, playing games around here and watch... Watching the TVs?
Norm: Sam, we got caught up in them, you know?
Alan: Yeah, hey, Sammy, is this place great or what, huh?
Sam: Yeah, but so is a little place called Cheers. Or have you forgotten? Did you tell them about the cracker snacks? I'm talking about American cheese on top of some saltines and everything. You know, maybe 50 cents a plate. Can't beat that, huh?
Waitress: Excuse me! Hi! Happy hour ribs, complimentary.
Cliff: You, uh, you were saying, Sammy?
Sam: Never mind. Never mind.

Sam: Carla, hey, what're you doing? How come you're still in uniform? You're supposed to be at Cheers.
Carla: Oh. I'm not going back, Sammy.
Sam: What do you mean?
Carla: Well, I want to. I really do, but they're paying me too much money here. I can't give it up.
Sam: What are you saying? Are you saying you're quitting? Well, when were you gonna tell me? Never?
Carla: I tried to call you, but I couldn't get through. And then I asked the guys to tell you, but none of them ever went back.
Sam: Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is crazy. You and I have been working together for 14 years.
Carla: Sammy, can't you be happy for me? I mean, I've found a job that pays me a lot of money.
Sam: Fine, all right, fine! I'll tell you something, you want to quit, you have the courtesy to come to my bar and tell me face-to-face. And until you do that, I consider you still employed at Cheers.
Carla: Okay, fine! I'll stop by to quit as soon as I'm off.
Sam: Yeah, you do that!
Carla: Okay, I will!
Sam: Yeah, fine!
Carla: Fine!
Sam: Yeah, "fine" back! Hey, fellas, enjoy the ribs!

Kelly: What was it exactly that saved you, Woody?
Woody: Well, something Dr. Crane said.
Kelly: That thing about how true love can overcome all differences?
Woody: Not exactly. Uh, he took me aside and said I'd better get used to giving in to you on every point for the rest of our lives if I ever wanted to see you naked again.
Kelly: Well, he is a Ph.D., you know.
Woody: Yes, dear.
Kelly: Shall we resume our honeymoon?
Woody: Yes, dear.
Frasier: Woody, today you are a man.
Woody: Yes, dear.

Sam: Hey, Carla, I'm so glad you're back.
Carla: Yeah, me, too, Sammy.
Sam: Why won't you tell me, you know, why you left that place?
Carla: Sammy, believe me, you're better off not knowing. Just swear to me you'll never go back in that bar.
Sam: Well, you're talking like there was some sort of psycho killer there or something.
Carla: If only! Sammy, just swear to me you won't go back.
Sam: Okay. [chuckles] Well, I won't go.

Cliff: You know, uh, American cheese is one of the world's finest cheeses.
Norm: Melted on a saltine, that's a- That's a party in your mouth.
Paul: Anybody feel like maybe we should, uh, walk on back to Cheers?
Alan: Yeah, let's do that, huh?
Norm: Okay. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Boys, be prepared. [carries the tray of ribs out]

Bernard: Phone company. Looking for a Rebecca Howe.
Rebecca: That's me.
Bernard: Well, hello! The name's Bernard. If I'd known you were such a foxy lady... I would have worn my clean pants.
Rebecca: [clears throat] Bernard, we need you to get the phones working. The one here in the bar and one back in the office and the pay phone over there. We haven't had phone service in two weeks.
Bernard: Relax, pretty lady. I'll give you service.
Rebecca: Good.
Bernard: Get it? So much for foreplay.
Rebecca: Just fix the phones!
Sam: Hey, huh? You still got it with the guys!