Sam: Oh, come on. We're being silly here. Why don't we go to your place?
Diane: Well, I guess that could be all right.
Sam: Great.
Diane: Wait. Sam, it's so filthy.
Sam: Oh, it doesn't have to be if we care about each other.

Diane: Thanks for picking the flowers for me in the park, Sam.
Sam: Well, thank you for paying the fine.

Diane: Get out. Get out of my apartment.
Sam: You want me to leave?
Diane: I demand that you leave.
Sam: Well, let me just tell you a little rule I have. When Mr. Malone takes his pants off, he doesn't put his pants on again until he finishes business.
Diane: Bet me.
Sam: Diane, would you please... Would you give me a break and let me put my...
Diane: You are despicable. I never want to look at your fat, ugly face again. Get out.
Sam: Come on. I'm losing the mood here, Diane.
Diane: You'll lose a lot more than that.
Sam: Just wait a second. Do you want to know the truth? It wasn't four women. It was 400 women, easy.
Diane: They'd have to be.

Norm: I think we ought to do something about it. We didn't exactly give them our blessings when they left here. I mean, everybody deserves a chance.
Alan: Fellas, I think we owe Sam an apology.
Norm: I'm going to chat to Sammy.
Cliff: Hey, hey, Normie. He made it clear he doesn't want to be disturbed.
Norm: He didn't mean me. Sammy and I are pals. We're tight. Sammy? [opens door] Norm.
Sam: [o.s.] Get the hell out of here!
Norm: You bet, buddy. [closes door]
Cliff: That was inspiring, Norm.

Diane: Sam, would you give me a minute to slip into something flimsy?
Sam: Yeah. Sure. [Diane closes the door] Diane?
Diane: [o.s.] Yes?
Sam: Are you talking to somebody in there?
Diane: [o.s.] Oh, I'm on the phone, Sam. Just a second.
Sam: You're making a telephone call? Who did you call?
Diane: I was calling the police. Would you like some coffee while we wait?
Sam: You were calling the police? Why?
Diane: If you're going to act like a marauding Hun, you have to expect to be treated like one. You take cream, right?
Sam: Yeah, but, no. Wait. Wait a minute. Are you serious? You called the cops on me?
Diane: Oh, yes, I'm completely serious. I've got fresh ground, but it'll take time. They said they'd be right over.

Sam: Come on. Wait a second. I'm not doing anything here.
Diane: Sam, you broke into my apartment. I have the evidence.
Sam: You know, you're a loon. That's what you are. I'm getting the hell out of here.
Diane: Oh, you have to run, huh? Well, I'll just call the police and give them your address.
Sam: You make me so mad sometimes, I'd like to take your face and just...
Diane: Excuse me. I'd be very careful what you say. It could be used against you in court. So, what's the final verdict on the coffee?
Sam: What? What are you doing to me, Diane? I'm losing my mind here. I mean, the first time I say you, I said to myself that could be the woman who's going to make me happy for the rest of my life. Now I'd be happy just to stay out of jail. You make me sorry I was ever born.
Diane: Sam, I know how you feel.
Sam: Don't let them take me away, huh?
Diane: Sam, I think the important thing here is that we've both learned something tonight. You've learned that violence and hostility have no place in a romantic relationship.
Sam: No. No place at all. No place at all.
Diane: And I've discovered something, too.
Sam: What?
Diane: I like the lift part. I like it a lot.

Sam: You know, you've made my life a living hell.
Diane: I didn't want you to think it was easy.
Sam: Let me just kick these things off the bed here.
Diane: Oh, why don't you put them in the other room? I'll be less inhibited if they're in the other room.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Diane: Now, be very careful, because some of them are old and sensitive.
Sam: Don't you think maybe you ought to call the cops off?
Diane: Oh, Silly Sam. I never called the police.
[Sam goes to the window and starts throwing Diane's stuffed animals out]
Diane: Sam, will you make sure Gary Gorilla and Mr. Jammers aren't next to each other? They don't get along.
Sam: Not to worry. They're a mile apart.

Diane: No. I mean my apartment. I haven't straightened it up for days.
Sam: I don't care about that kind of thing. As long as we're together, it doesn't matter where we are.
Diane: Oh, Sam, that's beautiful.
Sam: We're not talking pigsty here, are we?
Diane: No, of course not.
Sam: All right, then. Come on.
Diane: OK.
Sam: Oh, boy! [to the heavens] She'd better be great.

Diane: Wait. I feel damned by faint praise. What's wrong?
Norm: What do you mean, "What's wrong?"
Cliff: Nothing's wrong.
Diane: You don't seem very happy about our announcement.
Norm: Well, you know, Diane, it's just kind of sudden.
Cliff: Sudden. It's just happening kind of fast.
Paul: Yeah, we wish you all the luck in the world.
Cliff: [to Norm] It won't be enough.

Diane: Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that Sam and I have different backgrounds, ambitions, dreams... Well, let me tell you, we have one thing very much in common...
Carla: I got it. They were both born brunette.
Diane: No. We have a willingness to be vulnerable to one another.
Norm: I think I see a trip to ye old leash and leather shop coming up.