Cliff: A monk, huh? Hey, does that mean you have to give up? Well, as the French so delicately put it, the old [squeaking noises]?
Kevin: I have to take a vow of chastity. I also have to take a vow of silence.
Norm: Yep, if you're gonna give up sex, you might as well give up talkin'. What fun is messing around if you can't tell the guys about it.

Kevin: It's no big deal. I never had much luck with girls, anyway. They don't find me attractive.
Cliff: Oh, hey, Kev, you're an attractive guy. Diane? Don't you think he's a specimen?
Diane: Yes. He's a very attractive fellow.
Kevin: Come on, I know I don't have any sex appeal. I'm shy, I'm serious-minded... the search goes on for my chin.
Diane: Kevin, speaking as a woman, may I say it's good that you're going in a monastery. You could be a real heartbreaker.
Kevin: You're not a bambo, are you?
Diane: No, no. A bimbo. No, it's bimbo, not bambo, and I'm not one. But you are. Attractive. Yeah, attractive.
Kevin: What a great girl! Sam, is she taken?
Sam: Only with herself.

Kevin: One drink in four hours. Is that called nursing it?
Carla: No, that's called bringing it back from the dead.
Diane: I hate to admit it but Carla just got in the book.
Sam: Yeah, well, I always say, "Nurse a drink, starve a bartender."
Diane: Excuse me, Sam.

Coach: You know, Sam, that Kevin'll make a great monk. He's got a good attitude.
Kevin: Diane? Yes? I want you!
[Norm pulls Kevin away from Diane, while Cliff helps her back up.]
Coach: Diane, are you OK?
Diane: I'm OK. I'm fine. I'd think like to go freshen up a bit.
Sam: Absolutely. You OK?
[Diane walks into the back]
Buzz Crowder: [o.s.] Lafayette, we are here!
Diane: [screams]

Kevin: Can I have your attention? I've been sitting here drinking all evening. Now I have something important to say.
Cliff: Yeah, it's down the hall to the left, guy.
Kevin: First, I'd like to make a public apology to the young lady I insulted earlier this evening. I lost my head.
Coach: Kevin, please, don't worry about it.
Diane: Apology accepted, Kevin.
Kevin: Second, I'd like to thank you all for helping me see the light. It is clear now that I am not fit for the monastery. I succumb too easily to the pleasures of the flesh.
Norm: That's OK. Don't worry about it.
Kevin: Tonight... Tonight has proven that I belong here, in a bar, drinking booze with seedy degenerates, and getting slapped around by cheap dames.
Coach: Kevin, it's our pleasure.
Sam: I'm gonna give you a real man's drink here. It's called coffee.
Kevin: Coffee? Men drink that?
Sam: Men who've had too much to drink do.

Man: OK, Norm, pay up.
Norm: Whaddaya say? Double or nothing on the highlights?

Kevin: Sam, I want a drink only men drink, something that makes women sick.
Sam: I'll give you some more coffee.
Kevin: No, no, I want something stronger.
Sam: I'll give you yesterday's coffee.

Diane: I know just what she means. I once had a religious experience just watching a hummingbird, hovering next to a flower. It's almost impossible to imagine that something could hang in mid-air like that for so long.
Sam: I guess you never saw one of my curve balls.

Kevin: You all think a man can't change his life in one evening. But I have. I wanna be a regular guy. I wanna arm wrestle and tell crude jokes and spit on the floor. And I wanna dance with cheap women. Carla, let's dance.
Carla: [to Diane] Put that in your notebook, I break your fingers.

Coach: My God! Kevin, you realize what this means?
Kevin: I've healed a piano?
Carla: It's a miracle or something.
Kevin: No, wait a minute, miracles don't happen. Are you sure it was broken?
Sam: Yes. The motor was rusted solid.
Kevin: Well, how could this happen?
Diane: Maybe something or somebody's trying to tell you what to do with your life.
Norm: Get into piano repair.