Cliff: Actually, I'm something of an expert on that subject.
Carla: Big, funny-shaped cans?
Cliff: No, Carla. I happen to be a swine buff. You see, your porcine mammal is known for his superior intelligence.
Woody: Well, that's true. You know, back in Hanover, they say pigs are smarter than the people. Actually, it's usually the tourists who point that out.

Sam: Oh, here you go, pal. Let me, uh... [laughs] Sorry. I don't have any change on me.
Salvationist: That's all right. God bless you anyway.
Frasier: Hey, Sam.
Sam: Hey, Frasier, how you doing, man? [to the Samaritan] I tell you, I used to have change all the time, but things are tough now. The bar burned down, you know. This is the place right here. Yeah, burned down, and I've been spending every dime I have just to rebuild the place. I don't have anyone to blame but myself really. And women. Oh, God. [laughs] Me and women. Oh. Yeah, I tell you, I think... I think it first started for me when I hired this really bright, blonde waitress, you know. Her name was Diane. Maybe you heard about her. Used to come in and out of here all the time. Five years ago, books under her arm... [time lapse] And then Rebecca, you know, finally admitted, "Yeah, I burned the bar down." I forgave her.
Frasier: Good night, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, good night, Fras! And then, listen to this. Rebecca finally admits to me, "Yes, I burned the bar down." Whoo, was I mad, I tell you. But what are you gonna do? Are you gonna stick her with guilt the rest of...
Frasier: Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Frasier: There you go. [returns the Salvationist's hat]
Salvationist: Thank you.
Frasier: Come this way. Oh. Here you go. [puts money in the Salvationist's hat] You earned it.

Rebecca: Oh, Woody, look. He's so cute. [baby talk] Yes, you are. You're so sweet. [normal voice] Oh, he's shivering. Should we cover him with something?
Woody: Well, not really. Maybe with some honey glaze and a little pineapple.
Rebecca: That is disgusting. I can't believe you'd even think about killing something this sweet.
Norm: Rebecca, where do you think hams come from?
Rebecca: Big, funny-shaped cans on aisle six.

Carla: Sammy, I don't know why you're going to all this trouble. She told you that she keeps the car in a garage, right? You say the words, my kids are over there in 20 minutes. In 25, your car is speeding down the highway. Worse comes to worse, they put them away for a couple of years. I mean, it's not like I'm rattling around in an empty house.
Sam: You're very sweet.

Sam: [on the phone] There is a quarter of an inch scratch on the right fender. You can't miss it. No! It disfigures the entire car! Listen, I want you to send your tow truck over right now. Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me? You know, fine, I'll tell you something. I'm gonna take my business some place else.
Frasier: Sam, may I have a beer please? And let me guess, you dinged the Corvette again.
Sam: Yeah. Boy, I don't know, it's weird. It's the fourth scratch I've had in a week. I don't know what's going on. Maybe I need to check my eyes or something.
Frasier: Yes. Your eyes.
Sam: Oh, what's that supposed to mean, huh?
Frasier: Sam, this is not a personal attack. I am trying to help you. Look, the way you got that car back was shameful. It went against your better instincts. Now, deep down, you don't think you deserve to have that car, and I submit that subconsciously you are trying to destroy it!
Sam: Hey, you know, take your business someplace else! Go on! Get out of here!
Norm: Sammy! Sammy, settle down now! Frasier could very well have a point there!
Sam: You know something?!
Norm: Or maybe not, okay? The guy's a quack.

Carla: Sammy. Sammy! You scammed a poor, innocent widow out of her car. Now, on many levels, I can respect that. But somehow, this one crossed the line.
Sam: I know, you're right.
Carla: Yeah, and another thing. Remember what I told you about hitting the customers?
Sam: Yeah, I know. I- I forgot. That's- That's your turf.
Carla: It's- It's just that I have so little.

Sam: Oh, no. I'm sorry, man. No, of course not. I know you're right. I've been feeling like a real heel ever since she gave me the keys. I mean, she's so sweet and so innocent, you know, and I was just making her believe I was her friend so I could snag the car.
Frasier: Sam, you must find Susan and beg her forgiveness. It's your only hope.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, thank you. You're right. l- l'm out of here.
Cliff: You know, Sammy, another way you could go is just to get rid of the object of your guilt.
Sam: Cliff, you can't have the car.
Cliff: Okey dokey.

Carla: [answers phone] Cheers. Hello. Hello? Cheers. Turn the phone around. Right side up. Right side up! Yeah. That's much better. Ah. Woody, it's your dad.
Woody: [takes the phone] Hi, Dad. Hello? I can't hear- [turns the receiver around] Dad! You're kidding. Oh, my God. That's unbelievable. Wow! Well, that's... I'm relieved. Well, say hi to Mom, okay? All right. Bye. [hangs up] Miss Howe, you aren't gonna believe this. Guess who showed up in my folk' back door last night?
Rebecca: Who? Snuffles.
Woody: Yeah, I guess he found his way onto the back of a truck that was headed that way. I- I told you he was smart.
Rebecca: I can't believe this. You see, he traveled all that distance to get home where he was safe and sound. This is a Christmas miracle.
Woody: I'll say. [to Norm] Mom said he was delicious.

Susan: All right. All right, quiet time is over. Everybody up. Back to your chairs. Boys and girls, I would like you all to meet someone. This is Sam.
All: Hi, Sam!
Sam: Yeah, hi, boys and girls. Listen, I'm gonna be sitting right here until your teacher forgives me. So you just carry on. Go ahead.
Susan: Class, do you remember when we were talking about telling the truth?
All: Yes.
Susan: Well, Sam here told a fib.
All: Boo!
Sam: And what kind of people tell fibs?
All: Bad people!
Sam: Oh, wait. Hold on a second. So, I did a bad thing. Please, just can't you forgive me?
Susan: And where do fibbers go?
All: In the doghouse!
Sam: I'm sorry. In the what?
All: In the doghouse!
Sam: Oh, come on, Susan, not the doghouse. This is... Oh, come on, this is stupid. I've already given you the check. What more do you want?
Susan: Can fibbers buy their way out of the doghouse?
All: No!
Susan: So, why don't you just sit there and think about what you've done? The rest of us will get out our art supplies.
All: Yay!
Sam: [to a boy] This doghouse is stupid. And it's made out of cardboard. I- I could get out of here anytime I want. I could.

Cliff: Oh, so, how do you figure you're gonna get the car?
Sam: Oh, uh, that lady right there that's, uh that's the widow. So, I figure, what? You know, I just take her out to dinner a few times, let her get to know me, you know, pour on the charm, and then, boom. I'll lowball her, you know?
Norm: Well, this calls for a round on the house, huh? Come on.
Sam: I don't have my car yet, man.
Cliff: You, uh, kind of jumped the gun on that one, huh, Norm?
Norm: Thank you, Mr. Monday Morning Quarterback.