Diane: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
Carla: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

Lenny: Hi. Is Sam Malone here?
Coach: No, he isn't. What can I buy from you? What am I saying? What can I get you?
Lenny: Well, I'll have a beer. Say, my name is Lenny Barnes. I'm the publicist for the Chamber of Commerce charity softball game this Saturday. I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Coach: No, I can tell you right now, Lenny. He wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing. I mean, nobody with any dignity wants to get into those sideshow carnival things, where everybody's made to look stupid. Nobody.
Lenny: Hey, aren't you Ernie Pantusso?
Coach: I'd be honored to do it.
Lenny: Well, I don't think we need anybody else.
Coach: Oh, well. I find it hard to get up to Fenway these days.
Lenny: Yeah, the old memories come back?
Coach: No, I keep getting the wrong bus. I must have an old schedule.
Lenny: Wow, I guess those stories about you are true.
Coach: That they are, Lenny. That they are.

Steve: Hey, Norm, your car's unlocked. Someone might steal your laundry.
Norm: What laundry?
Steve: That big, lumpy bundle on the front seat of your car.
Norm: Oh, that's my mother-in-law. She had kind of a rough flight and she nodded out the second she hit the upholstery.
Diane: And you left her out there in an unattended automobile?
Norm: I threw a blanket over her and I left her a note in case she comes to.
Diane: She's lucky to have you as a son-in-law, Norman.
Norm: Yeah. I give her the red-carpet treatment, I guess. [hands bar nuts to a passing man] Hey, pal. Could you do me a favor and toss these in the blue Civic out in front?