Father Barry: So we, the friends of Edward LeBec, silently, each in his own way, bid him good-bye, secure in the belief... That he will live in eternal peace.
Woody: I think this is a nice service.
Sam: You've been to a lot of them, Wood?
Woody: What do you mean, Sam?
Sam: Just from the size of your family and all the unfortunate things that seem to happen.
Woody: No, no, no, Sam, you've got that wrong. Very few of those people were killed, just maimed. I had an uncle who lived to be 103. He had both ears till he was 101.

Frasier: Carla, different people deal with the loss of a loved one in different ways. As such, your stoic behavior is quite understandable, but studies in human behavior tell us that we need to grieve. And until we do allow ourselves that emotional release, we can never really get back on the course of life. You see, some people hold in their grief for literally years and years. And all they accomplish is to prolong the grief and the agony, casting a pall over their own remaining days on this earth. [sobs] Oh! Oh, mommy! Mommy, why you? Oh!

Carla: Look, lady, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I'm not amused.
Woody: Yeah, if you're trying to get a laugh at a funeral, you're going to have to be a lot funnier than that.
Gloria LeBec: I am Gloria LeBec, as in Eddie LeBec. Who the hell are you?
Carla: I'm Carla LeBec, Eddie's poor, grieving widow.
Gloria LeBec: I'm Eddie's poor, grieving widow.
Carla: That's impossible. See this? [holds up her ring finger]
Gloria LeBec: Yeah? Well, see this? [holds up her ring finger]
Carla: Yeah? Well, see this? [holds up her fist]

Carla: I can't believe this! I mean, the guy with the best buns on the Red Sox asked me to go out with him, and I have to say no. Man, it's not fair, I swear. I get all the disadvantages of being married and none of the perks.
Norm: Whoa, whoa, wait. There are perks?

Frasier: Carla... Carla, it's good to cry. It's cleansing. Try.
Father Barry: At this point of the service, I would like Mrs. LeBec to kindly step forward.
[Carla sobs and blows her nose with a handkerchief as she steps up. At that moment, another woman starts to cry, takes out a handkerchief and stands up. They momentarily stop weeping as they look at each other.]
Father Barry: I'm sorry. I meant his wife to step forward.
[Carla and the other woman both weep as they step forward. They once again stop weeping to look at each other.]
Father Barry: I meant his current wife.
[They both once again weep and step forward.]
Carla: Uh-oh.

Rebecca: Oh, brother. These phone bills are sky high. I've got to find a new long-distance carrier. Let me see, do I go with one that charges by the mile or the time of day?
Norm: Well, why don't you just use the system that we all use.
Rebecca: What is it, Sprint? MCI?
Norm: No, it's, uh, Cheers's phone.
Cliff: [on the phone] Really, Ma? That's... Hey, hold on. You know, it's 12:00 in Tokyo. Is that yesterday or tomorrow?
Rebecca: Cliff.
Cliff: I left a quarter. [on the phone] Anyway... Sorry. Somebody was talking to me here. [Rebecca chops the phone cord with a knife]

Sam: Maybe I should go get you a beer, huh?
Carla: Why don't you go to Germany to get one.
Darryl Mead: You seem to know a lot about baseball, Carla. You remind me of my first hitting coach.
Carla: Bet I look cuter in black underwear.
Darryl Mead: Yeah, but he could probably spit tobacco farther.
Carla: Don't count on it.

Carla: Eddie's on the road with the ice show for months at a time. The money he sends back is a joke.
Frasier: Yes, I guess the ice show craze in America never really recovered from the loss of Frick and Frack.

Carla: He's never home to help out with the family. And all that would be fine, if I could just visit him for a few bed sprints once in a while. I don't even get that.
Sam: Oh, you're being too tough on him.
Carla: No, I mean it really. He doesn't care or pay attention.
Woody: Carla, it's for you. Some guy from the ice show.
Carla: Case in point, Sammy, I know exactly what that call is. Tomorrow is graduation. It's the most important day in Anne Marie's life. Or is it Serafina? Uh, one of the older kids. Anyway... Eddie's probably having someone call with some lame, stupid excuse why he can't show up. [on the phone] All right. What's his excuse? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right. Well, these things happen.
Sam: Can't go to graduation, huh?
Carla: No, he can't.
Norm: What's the excuse?
Carla: He's dead.
Woody: Huh. That old one.

Sam: I just can't get over this Eddie thing. I mean, I understand going out with 2 babes at 1 time, but to actually be married to both, that's sick.
Frasier: Believe me, Sam, in my profession, I've learned that mankind if capable of all kinds of deviant behavior. But of course, now that I have a child to support, I say keep it coming.