Gloria LeBec: Well, I better be going. The kids and I have got a 17-hour bus ride ahead of us to Kenosha.
Carla: What are you taking, the polar route? Hey, look, it's been a hell of a day. Why don't you skip the bus and spend the night at my house.
Gloria LeBec: That's nice of you, Carla.
Carla: You haven't seen my house. Well, actually you'd be doing me a favor. I got to work late tonight, and I could use a baby-sitter. Cliff's leaving right now. He'll drive you home.
Cliff: I just ordered a beer there, Carla. Sorry. [Carla pours the beer away] Ahh, that hit the spot.
Gloria LeBec: Know what? You're a pretty nice lady. I can see why Eddie knocked you up.
Carla: Ditto.
Cliff: Did you know that Gloria comes from the Latin "glorioski"? It's an expression of surprise. It was made popular during the depression by the round-eyed waif little orphan Annie. You know, it's no mistake that she didn't have any pupils in her eyes.

Sam: Aw, come on, what are you doing here?
Carla: I had to get out of the house, Sam.
Sam: Walls closing in on you?
Carla: No. Too much broken glass on the floor. [throws glasses on the floor]
Sam: Sweetheart. Come on, everything's going to be OK. It's going to be fine.
Carla: Oh, it's not gonna be fine, Sam. It's never going to be fine again. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. How could this happen? How could he do this? How could I not know? What's wrong with me? What was wrong with him?
Woody: How did he know which pants were in which house?
Carla: How do I know who he really loved? I mean, it was different with Nick. Nick was scum with ear hair. But Eddie... I mean, Eddie was good. The fact that somebody good loved me made me feel good. Now if it turns out he wasn't any good after all, does that mean that all this time I've been a fool?
Woody: I bet he kept jeans at your house and his dress slacks at her place.

Carla: I bet the only reason he married you was because he knocked you up.
Gloria LeBec: How do you know that?
Carla: Babe's intuition.
Gloria LeBec: Yeah? Maybe that's the same reason he married you.
Carla: But with me, it wasn't a cheap thrill. It was a very tender moment in the back of a Datsun hatchback.
Gloria LeBec: Toyota Corolla, front seat.
Cliff: All right, ladies, stop right now, huh? All this talk about conceiving your children in these cars... Just makes me sick. Doesn't anybody buy American anymore?

Carla: Whoa!
Frasier: What is it, Carla? You look like a large-mouth bass. A very fetching large-mouth bass.
Carla: Sammy's talking to Darryl Mead of the Boston Red Sox. I've been thigh-struck over that guy for five years, especially in '88, when he led the league in tight-fitting pants.
Woody: Boy, to know you're the best at something... what an honor.
Norm: Go after him. Go meet him.
Carla: I would love his autograph. Maybe I can get him to sign my breast.
Norm: Well, that should complete the lineup card, then.

Darryl Mead: Listen, Carla, you want to call me later? We can go out and have some dinner.
Carla: Are you kidding? I'm there. Wait a minute. I can't go. Damn.
Darryl Mead: Why not? You got to work?
Carla: No. I don't want you to think any less of me, but I'm married.
Darryl Mead: Why should that stop you?
Carla: Sheesh, you're a pig. Now I really wish I could go out with you.
Darryl Mead: Just in case. [drops his phone number down Carla's bra]
Carla: I don't know when a paper cut felt this good.
Darryl Mead: I'll see you, Sam. Thanks for the tips, Carla. I hope I hit a home run tonight.
Carla: I swear, if I was single, you'd have hit one already.

Carla: This is bad. This is r... I shouldn't have this. I should not have this. Rebecca...
Rebecca: Uh-huh.
Carla: This paper is my ticket to eternal damnation. So would you do me a favor? Put it in the safe and never give it to me, no matter what I say, no matter how much I beg, do not give me this piece of paper.
Rebecca: Okay.
Carla: Let me just make sure I gave you the right one. [Rebecca hands it back] I told you never to give me this!

Sam: What's the problem?
Carla: Eddie's dead. It was a freak accident at the ice show. Happened real sudden. They were cleaning the ice with that big machine after the penguin salsa number. One of the penguins slipped, fell in front of the machine. Eddie dived just in time, pushed the guy out of the way. He never felt a thing.
Sam: Honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Carla: Yeah. Oh, looks like table five's ready to order.

Sam: You know, a lot of people just remember Eddie as a big, fat, wobbling penguin on the ice show, but before that, he was quite a goalie.
Norm: Yeah, Sam, I remember that night against the Maple Leafs, he stopped, like, 40, 50 shots on goal. I mean, counting 10 that got past him that's one night's work, isn't it?
Sam: But you got to give the man his due. He was one hell of a penguin, too.

Frasier: You know, I wonder how many of us would give up our lives to save a fellow human being?
Carla: Time to close up.
Rebecca: We can do that, Carla.
Carla: No, no. It's my night to clean and wash.
Rebecca: Carla, let me just drive you home.
Carla: Why? There's nothing I could do. I'm going to close up.
Woody: Woo! You know, along the lines of what Doctor Crane was saying before, how many of us, when faced with the loss of a loved one, would stay and close up? She is something.
Rebecca: Woody, I think she's still in shock.
Frasier: Maybe I should take the initiative and speak with her.
Woody: Well, many of us when faced with having to talk with someone who's lost a loved one take the initiative...
Rebecca: Woody. Shut up.
Woody: There's my answer.

Father Barry: Widows, please. Now, perhaps we can deal with this unfortunate revelation later and continue with the memorial.
Carla: With all due respect, Father, the hell with that noise. Eddie's not going anywhere until I get some answers. [picks up the penguin hat] Lady, you've got a lot of nerve.
Gloria LeBec: Me? What about you? I'm his wife!
Carla: I'm his wife!
Gloria LeBec: I'm his wife!
Sam: Ladies, ladies, let go of the head. Let go of the head. Now just both of you sit down right now, and we'll settle this after the service. Father.
Father Barry: Thank you, son.