Cliff: Carla? How'd you like to go to the Postman's Ball with a guy who looks like Robert Redford and drives a Porsche?
Carla: Why aren't I going with you?
Cliff: Well, see, there's this buddy of mine down at the P.O. You might have seen him in here. He's been in a couple of times. Well, son of a gun if he didn't say he's got a big crush on you, and, well, he wanted me to see if you'd go to the ball with him. Now--
Carla: This isn't just some way of getting out of giving me the VCR, is it?
Cliff: No! No, no, no. You'll get everything I promised.
Carla: Plus the bonus of not having to go out with you, which leads me to believe that this guy is a bigger loser than you are. Just forget it, Clavin! What kind of girl do you think I am?
Cliff: Uh... One who would like a big-screen TV?
Carla: That's the kind.

Woody: Miss Chambers, can I tell you something?
Diane: Sure, Woody.
Woody: You look like a hundred bucks.
Diane: Thank you, Woody.
Woody: Oh, what am I saying? Two hundred.
Diane: Woody, you're turning my head.
Woody: Okay, a hundred.

Cliff: Carla, don't you wanna meet your date?
Carla: I thought he was supposed to look like Robert Redford.
Cliff: Well, he does from a distance.
Carla: Yeah, Mars.
Norm: And I think you'll soon find out just why a planet came to mind.

Cliff: Carla, I'd like you to meet Lucas. Lucas, your date, Carla.
Lucas: [mumbles]
Carla: What did he say?
Norm: I can't believe it matters.
Carla: Well, I can see this is gonna be a laugh a minute. An evening with the stick, the nerd and door number three.

Cliff: Diane, look, I'm sorry. You don't understand. I don't know what happened to me tonight. The wine must have gone to my head, Diane. Look, you know I hold you in the highest respect and esteem, and I would never, ever do anything to upset you.
Diane: Well, running out of gas? Really!
Cliff: Well, we did run out of gas, Diane.
Diane: Clifford.
Cliff: Well, look, would a sign from God convince you?
Diane: Maybe.
Cliff: All right. Almighty God... please, if I'm telling the truth about this car running out of gas tonight, let it start now, even on an empty tank. [Cliff turns the ignition] Diane, hallelujah! Oh, hallelujah! Diane! [Diane drives off without him] Oh, hey!

Cliff: Ah, Diane was crushed when she found she couldn't go to the ball with me.
Woody: Well, what are you gonna do now, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: I'll just have to ask Carla.
Norm: [chokes on his beer] Are you nuts? Carla won't go with you. She despises you.
Cliff: Well, just because she despises me, doesn't mean she can't spend an evening dining and dancing with me.

Cliff: Carla... could I ask you a favor?
Carla: What?
Cliff: Can we talk in the poolroom?
Carla: No. [walks away]
Cliff: Carla, that wasn't the favor.
Carla: Sheesh, there's more? What I have to endure.
Cliff: [to Norm] Now for the kill.

Cliff: Well, got a date with Carla.
Norm: Seriously?
Cliff: Are you kidding? She fell for me like a sack of cannolis. Ah, yeah, you gotta love them, the little wenches.

Diane: Clifford, I've been thinking.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, you can't go, huh, Diane? Hey, I understand.
Diane: Honestly, you're so insecure. I was going to say that I thought of the perfect dress to wear. Sassy little strapless number, very graceful for dancing. With my hair up and a hint of jewelry to catch the eye. I'm going to make you very proud.
Cliff: Now what, Sammy?
Sam: Yeah, this is a tough one. Yeah, if Carla finds out you asked Diane first, you're gonna be dead before you hit the ground. Hey, hold on a minute. All you gotta do is, you gotta find Carla another date. Someone better than you.
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, Sammy, you are a genius.
Sam: Well, thank you. Oh, yeah, listen. When you talk to her about the guy, be vague. Be general. Don't get locked into anybody specific.

Diane: Hello, everyone.
Sam: Good heavens.
Woody: Miss Chambers, you look beautiful.
Sam: Yeah. Doesn't she?
Diane: Thank you, Woody.
Sam: Boy, you know, that just opens up the floodgates to a lot of memories.
Diane: Why, thank you, Sam, but I don't remember us ever going to a formal occasion while we were dating.
Sam: No, I was thinking about the girl I took to my high school prom. Just kidding. Just kidding.