Cliff: But I understand the postmaster general is gonna make the toast.
Woody: Wow, a man of his position helping out in the kitchen. Only in America.

Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Yes, ma'am, right away. [to Carla] There's some lady screaming her head off.
Carla: What does she want?
Woody: I don't know. All I could make out was "two-timing."
Carla: Sam, telephone. Woody, listen up and learn something.
Sam: [takes the phone] Sammy here. Oh, hey, I thought you'd like those flowers. Yeah. No, no, that sounds like my note. "Thanks for a wonderful evening, Barbara. I had a great time." Well, of course I know your name's Karen. You know, hey, I see your mistake here. You see, you didn't realize that, to me, Barbara means Karen. Well, because... Because... Because "Barbara" reminds me of Barbra Streisand, and you know that song about people? Well, I am getting to it. You know the line, "First be a person who needs people"? Well, who was the first person? Yeah, all right, but the first female person was Eve. And who's the most famous Eve of all, but Christmas Eve, right? Yeah, well, what do you do on Christmas Eve, but you go caroling. Right? No, I know, your name's not Carolyn. But after you go caroling, what you do is, you Karen the gifts. Karen. Yeah. Well, apology accepted, sweetheart. I'll talk to you later.

Sam: Come on. Obviously, it means a lot to him. All he wants to do is be seen with a classy-looking chick.
Diane: Oh, I don't know, Sam. Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me, with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...
Sam: Yourself.

Cliff: Well, Cliff Clavin is here to bid you all glad tidings and buy drinks for all my friends. [cheers]
Norm: All right. What's the occasion, Cliffie? New air-cushion insoles or something?
Cliff: No, no, no. Better than that, Normie. My branch office voted me Postman of the Year. It's a very prestigious award too. Only 267 given out in the greater Boston area.
Diane: We're very proud of you. Will there be a ceremony?
Cliff: Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. As is traditional, to be held at the gala Postman's Ball. Yeah, unfortunately it's not gonna be televised.
Norm: I hear it's blacked out in this area anyway, so...

Diane: Oh, poor Cliff.
Sam: Why? What happened?
Diane: Well, he asked me to his Postman's Ball, and I had to tell him I already had plans for that evening.
Sam: What plans?
Diane: My cheese club meets that night.
Sam: So you're gonna eat cheese instead of helping Cliff out on this?
Diane: We don't only eat cheese. We talk about eating cheese.

Cliff: We ran out of gas.
Diane: Well, the gauge reads half full.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, it always reads half full. It's stuck there. I guess in the excitement of the night, I just forgot to fill the tank.
Diane: Well, what are we going to do? We're miles from a gas station.
Cliff: [grazes Diane's shoulder] [sings] Look at me I'm as helpless as a kitten in a tree And I'm clinging to a cloud I can't understand I get misty Just holding your hand Walk my way
Diane: Get out.
Cliff: And a thousand vio-
Diane: Now!
Cliff: Yes, ma'am.

Cliff: Excuse me, Diane? Can I have a word with you?
Diane: Of course.
Cliff: Uh... [reads] "l, Cliff Clavin, would be ever so honored if you, a lady of exquisite loveliness and taste, whom I hold in the highest respect and esteem, would accompany me with your presence at the gala Postman's Ball on the 18th of this month." Uh... "You would be doing this only as a friend. There is no ulterior motive or strings attached. Thank you for listening."
Diane: Cliff, I'd love to.
Cliff: You would?
Diane: Yes, but I have something else planned that night.
Cliff: It's all right. You know, just asked on the spur of the moment.

Cliff: Carla, "l, Cliff Clavin, would be ever so honored if you, a lady of-- A lady would accompany me with your presence at the gala Postman's Ball on the 18th of this month. You would be doing this only as a friend. There is no ulterior motive or strings attached. Thank you for listening."
Carla: [laughs]
Cliff: Carla. [laughing continues] Carla. Carla, this is really important to me.
Carla: I know. But think of me.
Cliff: All right, look, Carla, you don't have to dance with me and I'll buy you a dress.
Carla: Nah.
Cliff: A corsage. A hundred bucks.
Carla: Eh... Nah.
Cliff: A VCR.
Carla: VCR? Nice touch, but I'll have to pass. [Cliff sobs] Good Lord. Is that a tear? Ugh! Look, I think my greed is overcoming your repulsiveness. I'll go.

Cliff: Normie, Normie, did you hear that? Diane will go to the ball with me. I'm taking Diane to the ball!
Norm: Cliff, Cliff. Think just a minute, now. What's wrong with this picture?
Carla: Sam, change for a 20?
Cliff: What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, I forgot. Well, I'll just have to have a huddle here with the man who knows almost as much about women as I do. Sammy?

Cliff: Well, I seem to have one of those situations again. You know, two dollies lined up for the same evening.
Sam: Oh, well, does this have to do with Diane, Carla and that postman thing?
Cliff: Yeah.
Sam: Well, fair's fair. Who said yes first?
Cliff: Carla.
Sam: Well, you just have to tell Diane you can't go with her. Make up some excuse. Tell her that your girl cousin from Michigan is in town just for the day and that you gotta take her. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, she's already heard that one.