Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Cliffie's Big Score’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Cliffie's Big Score

416. Cliffie's Big Score

Aired January 30, 1986

After Diane turns down Cliff's invitation to accompany him to the Postman's Ball, he asks Carla instead, only for Diane to reconsider.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: But I understand the postmaster general is gonna make the toast.
Woody: Wow, a man of his position helping out in the kitchen. Only in America.

Rate

Quote from Sam

Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Yes, ma'am, right away. [to Carla] There's some lady screaming her head off.
Carla: What does she want?
Woody: I don't know. All I could make out was "two-timing."
Carla: Sam, telephone. Woody, listen up and learn something.
Sam: [takes the phone] Sammy here. Oh, hey, I thought you'd like those flowers. Yeah. No, no, that sounds like my note. "Thanks for a wonderful evening, Barbara. I had a great time." Well, of course I know your name's Karen. You know, hey, I see your mistake here. You see, you didn't realize that, to me, Barbara means Karen. Well, because... Because... Because "Barbara" reminds me of Barbra Streisand, and you know that song about people? Well, I am getting to it. You know the line, "First be a person who needs people"? Well, who was the first person? Yeah, all right, but the first female person was Eve. And who's the most famous Eve of all, but Christmas Eve, right? Yeah, well, what do you do on Christmas Eve, but you go caroling. Right? No, I know, your name's not Carolyn. But after you go caroling, what you do is, you Karen the gifts. Karen. Yeah. Well, apology accepted, sweetheart. I'll talk to you later.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Come on. Obviously, it means a lot to him. All he wants to do is be seen with a classy-looking chick.
Diane: Oh, I don't know, Sam. Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me, with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...
Sam: Yourself.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, Cliff Clavin is here to bid you all glad tidings and buy drinks for all my friends. [cheers]
Norm: All right. What's the occasion, Cliffie? New air-cushion insoles or something?
Cliff: No, no, no. Better than that, Normie. My branch office voted me Postman of the Year. It's a very prestigious award too. Only 267 given out in the greater Boston area.
Diane: We're very proud of you. Will there be a ceremony?
Cliff: Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. As is traditional, to be held at the gala Postman's Ball. Yeah, unfortunately it's not gonna be televised.
Norm: I hear it's blacked out in this area anyway, so...

Quote from Diane

Diane: Oh, poor Cliff.
Sam: Why? What happened?
Diane: Well, he asked me to his Postman's Ball, and I had to tell him I already had plans for that evening.
Sam: What plans?
Diane: My cheese club meets that night.
Sam: So you're gonna eat cheese instead of helping Cliff out on this?
Diane: We don't only eat cheese. We talk about eating cheese.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: We ran out of gas.
Diane: Well, the gauge reads half full.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, it always reads half full. It's stuck there. I guess in the excitement of the night, I just forgot to fill the tank.
Diane: Well, what are we going to do? We're miles from a gas station.
Cliff: [grazes Diane's shoulder] [sings] Look at me I'm as helpless as a kitten in a tree And I'm clinging to a cloud I can't understand I get misty Just holding your hand Walk my way
Diane: Get out.
Cliff: And a thousand vio-
Diane: Now!
Cliff: Yes, ma'am.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Excuse me, Diane? Can I have a word with you?
Diane: Of course.
Cliff: Uh... [reads] "l, Cliff Clavin, would be ever so honored if you, a lady of exquisite loveliness and taste, whom I hold in the highest respect and esteem, would accompany me with your presence at the gala Postman's Ball on the 18th of this month." Uh... "You would be doing this only as a friend. There is no ulterior motive or strings attached. Thank you for listening."
Diane: Cliff, I'd love to.
Cliff: You would?
Diane: Yes, but I have something else planned that night.
Cliff: It's all right. You know, just asked on the spur of the moment.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Carla, "l, Cliff Clavin, would be ever so honored if you, a lady of-- A lady would accompany me with your presence at the gala Postman's Ball on the 18th of this month. You would be doing this only as a friend. There is no ulterior motive or strings attached. Thank you for listening."
Carla: [laughs]
Cliff: Carla. [laughing continues] Carla. Carla, this is really important to me.
Carla: I know. But think of me.
Cliff: All right, look, Carla, you don't have to dance with me and I'll buy you a dress.
Carla: Nah.
Cliff: A corsage. A hundred bucks.
Carla: Eh... Nah.
Cliff: A VCR.
Carla: VCR? Nice touch, but I'll have to pass. [Cliff sobs] Good Lord. Is that a tear? Ugh! Look, I think my greed is overcoming your repulsiveness. I'll go.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Normie, Normie, did you hear that? Diane will go to the ball with me. I'm taking Diane to the ball!
Norm: Cliff, Cliff. Think just a minute, now. What's wrong with this picture?
Carla: Sam, change for a 20?
Cliff: What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, I forgot. Well, I'll just have to have a huddle here with the man who knows almost as much about women as I do. Sammy?

Quote from Sam

Cliff: Well, I seem to have one of those situations again. You know, two dollies lined up for the same evening.
Sam: Oh, well, does this have to do with Diane, Carla and that postman thing?
Cliff: Yeah.
Sam: Well, fair's fair. Who said yes first?
Cliff: Carla.
Sam: Well, you just have to tell Diane you can't go with her. Make up some excuse. Tell her that your girl cousin from Michigan is in town just for the day and that you gotta take her. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, she's already heard that one.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Carla? How'd you like to go to the Postman's Ball with a guy who looks like Robert Redford and drives a Porsche?
Carla: Why aren't I going with you?
Cliff: Well, see, there's this buddy of mine down at the P.O. You might have seen him in here. He's been in a couple of times. Well, son of a gun if he didn't say he's got a big crush on you, and, well, he wanted me to see if you'd go to the ball with him. Now--
Carla: This isn't just some way of getting out of giving me the VCR, is it?
Cliff: No! No, no, no. You'll get everything I promised.
Carla: Plus the bonus of not having to go out with you, which leads me to believe that this guy is a bigger loser than you are. Just forget it, Clavin! What kind of girl do you think I am?
Cliff: Uh... One who would like a big-screen TV?
Carla: That's the kind.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Miss Chambers, can I tell you something?
Diane: Sure, Woody.
Woody: You look like a hundred bucks.
Diane: Thank you, Woody.
Woody: Oh, what am I saying? Two hundred.
Diane: Woody, you're turning my head.
Woody: Okay, a hundred.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Carla, don't you wanna meet your date?
Carla: I thought he was supposed to look like Robert Redford.
Cliff: Well, he does from a distance.
Carla: Yeah, Mars.
Norm: And I think you'll soon find out just why a planet came to mind.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Carla, I'd like you to meet Lucas. Lucas, your date, Carla.
Lucas: [mumbles]
Carla: What did he say?
Norm: I can't believe it matters.
Carla: Well, I can see this is gonna be a laugh a minute. An evening with the stick, the nerd and door number three.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Diane, look, I'm sorry. You don't understand. I don't know what happened to me tonight. The wine must have gone to my head, Diane. Look, you know I hold you in the highest respect and esteem, and I would never, ever do anything to upset you.
Diane: Well, running out of gas? Really!
Cliff: Well, we did run out of gas, Diane.
Diane: Clifford.
Cliff: Well, look, would a sign from God convince you?
Diane: Maybe.
Cliff: All right. Almighty God... please, if I'm telling the truth about this car running out of gas tonight, let it start now, even on an empty tank. [Cliff turns the ignition] Diane, hallelujah! Oh, hallelujah! Diane! [Diane drives off without him] Oh, hey!

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Ah, Diane was crushed when she found she couldn't go to the ball with me.
Woody: Well, what are you gonna do now, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: I'll just have to ask Carla.
Norm: [chokes on his beer] Are you nuts? Carla won't go with you. She despises you.
Cliff: Well, just because she despises me, doesn't mean she can't spend an evening dining and dancing with me.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Carla... could I ask you a favor?
Carla: What?
Cliff: Can we talk in the poolroom?
Carla: No. [walks away]
Cliff: Carla, that wasn't the favor.
Carla: Sheesh, there's more? What I have to endure.
Cliff: [to Norm] Now for the kill.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, got a date with Carla.
Norm: Seriously?
Cliff: Are you kidding? She fell for me like a sack of cannolis. Ah, yeah, you gotta love them, the little wenches.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Clifford, I've been thinking.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, you can't go, huh, Diane? Hey, I understand.
Diane: Honestly, you're so insecure. I was going to say that I thought of the perfect dress to wear. Sassy little strapless number, very graceful for dancing. With my hair up and a hint of jewelry to catch the eye. I'm going to make you very proud.
Cliff: Now what, Sammy?
Sam: Yeah, this is a tough one. Yeah, if Carla finds out you asked Diane first, you're gonna be dead before you hit the ground. Hey, hold on a minute. All you gotta do is, you gotta find Carla another date. Someone better than you.
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, Sammy, you are a genius.
Sam: Well, thank you. Oh, yeah, listen. When you talk to her about the guy, be vague. Be general. Don't get locked into anybody specific.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Hello, everyone.
Sam: Good heavens.
Woody: Miss Chambers, you look beautiful.
Sam: Yeah. Doesn't she?
Diane: Thank you, Woody.
Sam: Boy, you know, that just opens up the floodgates to a lot of memories.
Diane: Why, thank you, Sam, but I don't remember us ever going to a formal occasion while we were dating.
Sam: No, I was thinking about the girl I took to my high school prom. Just kidding. Just kidding.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode