Cliff: But I understand the postmaster general is gonna make the toast.
Woody: Wow, a man of his position helping out in the kitchen. Only in America.

Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Yes, ma'am, right away. [to Carla] There's some lady screaming her head off.
Carla: What does she want?
Woody: I don't know. All I could make out was "two-timing."
Carla: Sam, telephone. Woody, listen up and learn something.
Sam: [takes the phone] Sammy here. Oh, hey, I thought you'd like those flowers. Yeah. No, no, that sounds like my note. "Thanks for a wonderful evening, Barbara. I had a great time." Well, of course I know your name's Karen. You know, hey, I see your mistake here. You see, you didn't realize that, to me, Barbara means Karen. Well, because... Because... Because "Barbara" reminds me of Barbra Streisand, and you know that song about people? Well, I am getting to it. You know the line, "First be a person who needs people"? Well, who was the first person? Yeah, all right, but the first female person was Eve. And who's the most famous Eve of all, but Christmas Eve, right? Yeah, well, what do you do on Christmas Eve, but you go caroling. Right? No, I know, your name's not Carolyn. But after you go caroling, what you do is, you Karen the gifts. Karen. Yeah. Well, apology accepted, sweetheart. I'll talk to you later.

Sam: Come on. Obviously, it means a lot to him. All he wants to do is be seen with a classy-looking chick.
Diane: Oh, I don't know, Sam. Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me, with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...
Sam: Yourself.