‘Where Have All the Floorboards Gone?’
Season 10, Episode 8 - Aired November 7, 1991
After Sam invites Boston Celtics star Kevin McHale to the bar for Norm's birthday, the guys feel bad when they ruin his game by getting him hooked on pointless trivia.
Quote from Cliff
Woody: Well, how are we going to get in there, Sam? Don't they lock the Garden at night?
Cliff: Oh, hey, Woody, don't worry about those locks. We can get past any one of them, with my trusty Swiss Army Knife. [chuckles] Yeah, I got the big one with the, uh, tweezer-toothpick combo. Yeah.
Woody: That's a beauty, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: Yeah, thanks, Woody. Yeah, every soldier in the Swiss Army owns one of these. That's why nobody messes with Switzerland. Yeah, I'd rather run buck naked through the neighborhood than be without this baby.
Norm: Why is that always the other option?
Quote from Lilith
Lilith: Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new l.D. badge at the lab.
Rebecca: Are you gonna get your hair done for that?
Lilith: Why on earth should l?
Carla: Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.
Lilith: That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.
Carla: Watch it, babe!
Rebecca: Ooh, I'm outta here.
Frasier: Now, now, girls, girls, there's no reason to insult each other. No matter how on the nose either of you might be.
Quote from Norm
Norm: [enters] Mornin', everybody.
Sam: Hey, what's goin' on, Normie?
Norm: It's my birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it. And I'll blow out my liver.
Quote from Carla
Carla: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You're like vampires. Big-butted, do-nothing vampires. And, and now you're trying to make Kevin one of your recruits. Well, I say it's got to stop. I'm not going to let you screw up his career.
Sam: Oh, come on, lighten up, will you? It's just Kevin's getting a little carried away with bolts, that's all.
Carla: Yeah, sure, Sammy. Today it's how many bolts are in the floor. Tomorrow they'll have him onto "If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes, who's going to eat who first?"
Woody: Well, they'd probably eat the maid 'cause she ain't kin.
Cliff: Well, you know, but if they're smart there, they'll ask her first how she should best prepare herself.
Carla: Stop it!
Quote from Norm
Sam: When was the last time you were at the gym?
Norm: I don't know. I used to go to that one next door to Cheers.
Cliff: There's no gym next door to Cheers.
Norm: Yeah, there was. They tore it down. They put up that bookstore.
Cliff: There's no bookstore there either.
Norm: Oh, they tore that down and they put the bank there.
Sam: The bank's been there as long as I can remember.
Norm: Well, there you go.
Quote from Rebecca
Sam: Hey, it's his birthday. Did ya hear that?
All: Happy birthday, Norm!
Norm: I just want the day to come and go just like any other day.
Rebecca: I think you can pull that off.
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: Ah, the Garden. Yes, perhaps the most famous playing surface in all of sports.
Cliff: Well, you know, it's a little known fact that that, uh, parquet floor is comprised of 240 individual squares held down by 2,860 bolts.
Norm: Uh, you're wrong there. It's 2,880 bolts. And I got that from a member of the bull gang, the crew that works the floor.
Cliff: Well, I'm very sorry, Norm, but my source is unimpeachable.
Norm: Yeah? Who's that?
Cliff: My ma.
Sam: Why don't we settle this right now? I'll call the Garden and find out, huh?
Paul: Oh, yeah, yeah. Who're we supposed to talk to, the guy in charge of bolts?
Quote from Norm
Norm: All right! What a birthday, huh? A free beer, a Celtics jacket from Kevin McHale, and Sammy wipin' out my bar tab.
Sam: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't say anything about wipin' out a bar tab.
Norm: Well, happy birthday to me.
Quote from Woody
Woody: Doctor Crane, can you help me with somethin'?
Frasier: Of course, Woody.
Woody: You know, uh, yesterday was mine and Kelly's third anniversary of goin' steady. And, uh, I gave her a dinky keychain, so she goes and gives me this $300 camera. So, my problem is...
Frasier: Say no more about it, Woody. If I were you, I wouldn't let Kelly's fine present cause you any guilt. I mean, after all, she comes from a very privileged background while you're a, an unsophisticated working man who has nary two dimes to rub together. You know, these kinds of relationships rarely make it through a third year.
Woody: Actually, I just wanted to know how to work the automatic flash. But now I just want to go someplace and cry.
Quote from Frasier
Lilith: Frasier, do you think I should change my hair?
Frasier: You're asking me? Just a second, dear. [to Sam] Uh-oh, I'm in big trouble. If I tell her to change, she'll assume that I'm disappointed with the way she looks. On the other hand, if I say it's fine as it is, she'll think I don't care. You know, Lilith, you should do with those raven tresses whatever pleases you. Because, my angel, if you're happy, I'm happy.
Lilith: You're chicken.
Frasier: But happy.
Lilith: For heaven sake, take a stand!
Frasier: Just a second, dear. [to Sam] She's goin' to the mat on this one.
Carla: Why don't you just tell her to get her hair changed?
Frasier: Perhaps you're right. You know, she probably wants to change herself in some way, but, uh, doesn't have the confidence to just let go. Lilith, I think you should restyle. You know, to tell the truth, there is a, a part of me that would, would like to see a- a little change in your appearance.
Lilith: Why? Because you've secretly hated the way I've looked all these years and haven't had the guts to tell me?
Frasier: Just a second, dear. [runs out] Taxi!