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‘Where Have All the Floorboards Gone?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Where Have All the Floorboards Gone?

1008. Where Have All the Floorboards Gone?

Aired November 7, 1991

After Sam invites Boston Celtics star Kevin McHale to the bar for Norm's birthday, the guys feel bad when they ruin his game by getting him hooked on pointless trivia.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Well, how are we going to get in there, Sam? Don't they lock the Garden at night?
Cliff: Oh, hey, Woody, don't worry about those locks. We can get past any one of them, with my trusty Swiss Army Knife. [chuckles] Yeah, I got the big one with the, uh, tweezer-toothpick combo. Yeah.
Woody: That's a beauty, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: Yeah, thanks, Woody. Yeah, every soldier in the Swiss Army owns one of these. That's why nobody messes with Switzerland. Yeah, I'd rather run buck naked through the neighborhood than be without this baby.
Norm: Why is that always the other option?

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Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new l.D. badge at the lab.
Rebecca: Are you gonna get your hair done for that?
Lilith: Why on earth should l?
Carla: Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.
Lilith: That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.
Carla: Watch it, babe!
Rebecca: Ooh, I'm outta here.
Frasier: Now, now, girls, girls, there's no reason to insult each other. No matter how on the nose either of you might be.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Mornin', everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: Hey, what's goin' on, Normie?
Norm: It's my birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it. And I'll blow out my liver.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You're like vampires. Big-butted, do-nothing vampires. And, and now you're trying to make Kevin one of your recruits. Well, I say it's got to stop. I'm not going to let you screw up his career.
Sam: Oh, come on, lighten up, will you? It's just Kevin's getting a little carried away with bolts, that's all.
Carla: Yeah, sure, Sammy. Today it's how many bolts are in the floor. Tomorrow they'll have him onto "If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes, who's going to eat who first?"
Woody: Well, they'd probably eat the maid 'cause she ain't kin.
Cliff: Well, you know, but if they're smart there, they'll ask her first how she should best prepare herself.
Carla: Stop it!

Quote from Norm

Sam: When was the last time you were at the gym?
Norm: I don't know. I used to go to that one next door to Cheers.
Cliff: There's no gym next door to Cheers.
Norm: Yeah, there was. They tore it down. They put up that bookstore.
Cliff: There's no bookstore there either.
Norm: Oh, they tore that down and they put the bank there.
Sam: The bank's been there as long as I can remember.
Norm: Well, there you go.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Hey, it's his birthday. Did ya hear that?
All: Happy birthday, Norm!
Norm: I just want the day to come and go just like any other day.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Rebecca: I think you can pull that off.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Ah, the Garden. Yes, perhaps the most famous playing surface in all of sports.
Norm: Yep.
Cliff: Well, you know, it's a little known fact that that, uh, parquet floor is comprised of 240 individual squares held down by 2,860 bolts.
Norm: Uh, you're wrong there. It's 2,880 bolts. And I got that from a member of the bull gang, the crew that works the floor.
Cliff: Well, I'm very sorry, Norm, but my source is unimpeachable.
Norm: Yeah? Who's that?
Cliff: My ma.
Sam: Why don't we settle this right now? I'll call the Garden and find out, huh?
Paul: Oh, yeah, yeah. Who're we supposed to talk to, the guy in charge of bolts?

Quote from Norm

Norm: All right! What a birthday, huh? A free beer, a Celtics jacket from Kevin McHale, and Sammy wipin' out my bar tab.
Sam: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't say anything about wipin' out a bar tab.
Norm: Well, happy birthday to me.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Doctor Crane, can you help me with somethin'?
Frasier: Of course, Woody.
Woody: You know, uh, yesterday was mine and Kelly's third anniversary of goin' steady. And, uh, I gave her a dinky keychain, so she goes and gives me this $300 camera. So, my problem is...
Frasier: Say no more about it, Woody. If I were you, I wouldn't let Kelly's fine present cause you any guilt. I mean, after all, she comes from a very privileged background while you're a, an unsophisticated working man who has nary two dimes to rub together. You know, these kinds of relationships rarely make it through a third year.
Woody: Actually, I just wanted to know how to work the automatic flash. But now I just want to go someplace and cry.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Frasier, do you think I should change my hair?
Frasier: You're asking me? Just a second, dear. [to Sam] Uh-oh, I'm in big trouble. If I tell her to change, she'll assume that I'm disappointed with the way she looks. On the other hand, if I say it's fine as it is, she'll think I don't care. You know, Lilith, you should do with those raven tresses whatever pleases you. Because, my angel, if you're happy, I'm happy.
Lilith: You're chicken.
Frasier: But happy.
Lilith: For heaven sake, take a stand!
Frasier: Just a second, dear. [to Sam] She's goin' to the mat on this one.
Carla: Why don't you just tell her to get her hair changed?
Frasier: Perhaps you're right. You know, she probably wants to change herself in some way, but, uh, doesn't have the confidence to just let go. Lilith, I think you should restyle. You know, to tell the truth, there is a, a part of me that would, would like to see a- a little change in your appearance.
Lilith: Why? Because you've secretly hated the way I've looked all these years and haven't had the guts to tell me?
Frasier: Just a second, dear. [runs out] Taxi!

Quote from Norm

Sam: Hey, I got you a very, very special gift, my friend.
Norm: More special than a free beer?
Sam: Yeah. Come here.
Norm: Is it a keg and a snorkel?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Say, Kevin, you know, uh, my birthday's comin' up pretty soon. Maybe you could come back and deliver somethin' for me.
Kevin McHale: Oh, would you like a jacket, too?
Carla: Yeah, right. A jacket!

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, guys, I feel like I own a little bit of Celtic history. Some of my fondest memories as a boy are going down to the Garden.
Cliff: Yeah.
Norm: Being in the same building as all my heroes. Sittin' there next to my dad and as he ordered beer after beer from the vendor, sayin' to myself, "Someday, someday."
Sam: That's great.

Quote from Carla

Norm: We've got McHale here. Why don't we just ask him. Kevin?
Kevin McHale: Yeah.
Norm: Uh, tell this guy how many bolts there are on the floor of the Garden, please.
Kevin McHale: Well, l-l've never noticed any bolts in that floor. You know, come to think of it, Bird, Parish, Auerbach, nobody knows how many bolts are in that floor, huh?
Sam: There's a game for ya.
Kevin McHale: Yeah. Trivia.
Carla: Hey, stop, stop, stop! Stop it! Just turn around and run the other way!
Kevin McHale: What're you talking about?
Carla: Look, Kevin, I'm warning you because I love you. Don't get caught up in one of those conversations. You'll end up like those guys. They never leave those stools. It's a disease, and they're tryin' to hook you. I knew this guy once who was a respected psychiatrist. It's too late for him, but you can still save yourself. Go on.
Kevin McHale: Okay, yeah, yeah, you're I got a game in an hour. Like to talk about those bolts, you guys, but I gotta run. [exits] [overlapping chatter]
Carla: Thank God.
Kevin McHale: [returns] Hey, I'll tell you what, though. If you multiply the number of bolts by number of squares in that thing, you'd be able to find out how many bolts there were.
Carla: Oh Lord, take him now.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Look at this, huh? Boston Garden. I wake up this morning, thinking my life has no meaning, and now I'm standing here.
Cliff: Yeah, it really, really kind of clears things up, doesn't it, Norm?
Norm: No, I'm still pretty sure my life has no meaning, but I'm standing here. [laughs] Every part of this place is special to me.
Sam: Yeah.
Norm: It's sacred. It's holy, you know, like a cathedral. Think I'll rip a seat out and throw it in the back of my car, huh?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Drinking alone?
Lilith: No. Frasier asked to meet me to be here today. He probably wants a few more boorish laughs at my hair's expense.
Carla: Well, if it's any consolation to you, I think that look does something for you.
Lilith: Thank you.
Carla: I didn't say what.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Sam, I have a question.
Sam: Not now, Woody, I'm, uh, watching the game here.
Woody: No, it's really important.
Sam: What?
Woody: Well, say a guy removed the bolts from a piece of floor in a very important building.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Woody: Like, uh, I don't know, say, the Boston Garden. And, and say a guard came, and he didn't have time to put the bolts back in the floor. What would happen?
Sam: You didn't put the bolts back in the floor, Woody?
Woody: Oh, I knew you'd catch that. I should of just been honest with you, Sam. What should I do?

Quote from Woody

Cliff: Oh, relax, will you, Woody? For crying out loud, they got a crew there to check on everything before the game. Yeah, I'm sure they just found the missing bolts and replaced them. I mean, even if they don't, I mean, what are the odds of somebody hitting that spot exactly, huh?
TV Announcer: Bird passes to McHale. McHale is in for it, stops short. Oh, he's tripped on something! He's down! It looks like a piece of the floor came up. That hurt just looking at it!
Woody: Oh, no! I really did it this time.
Norm: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't blame yourself, Woody. It's my fault. It was my birthday. I'm the one who got him all interested in the bolts.
Sam: No, no, it's me who dragged us all out here in the middle of the night to go count bolts. It was my fault.
Cliff: Oh, never would've happened if I didn't have my Swiss Army Knife.
Woody: Guys, it was my fault. I'm the one who took the bolts out of the floor.
Cliff: He's right, you know.
Norm: That's true. Why are we being so hard on ourselves?
Sam: Yeah, you heard him admit that, didn't you? You guys, you heard it?

Quote from Paul

Cliff: That's exactly why I never got married.
Paul: Oh, is that why, Cliff?
Cliff: Yeah, that's why.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Well, Norm, you know, despite the fact that you don't want to make a big fuss out of it, we all, uh, chipped in and got ya somethin'. Now what is it that, uh, you want more than anything else in the world?
Norm: Another beer.
Cliff: Close your eyes there, Mr. Peterson.
[Cliff places a glass of beer with a gift bow in front of Norm]
Norm: Yay! Oh, guys! Yay! What could it be? Let me see. [gasps] It's a beer! Thank you, guys. Thank you.

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