Sam: Listen, I know this whole thing's been handled in a very stupid way. Almost ridiculous. But I really am in a jam here. I tell you what, you know, we promised you a guided tour, why don't I take you for a ride around the city, show you the sights, and I'll explain my whole story here. I know just the place to start, too... City Hall. Very historic and we could get a marriage licence.
Jacqueline Bisset: I really don't think so, no.

Tom: I don't know why he's going to this trouble. I was discussing this case this morning with one of my law professor.
Cliff: Oh, yeah. Was that before he scratched himself and ate a banana?
Tom: Are you calling him an ape? You know something, Clavin, one of these days, boy, I'm just going to... I don't know what.
Cliff: That man would be magnificent in front of a jury.

Jacqueline Bisset: Oh, Boston is such a lovely city. When we were on the Constitution, somebody recognized Sam. I didn't know he was a celebrity.
Carla: Cut the chit chat. Is Mammy Yokum going to marry you or not?

Sam: What do you say, Jackie?
Jacqueline Bisset: I don't know. Sam, I always thought my wedding day would be beautiful and special.
Norm: It will be. We'll get a minister. We'll have it right here in the bar.
Jacqueline Bisset: In a bar? You think that's beautiful and special?
Norm: Maybe you're asking the wrong guy.

Jacqueline Bisset: Do you mind if I call home first? I'd like to tell my pa about it.
Sam: Sure, come into my office here.
Carla: Yeah, and don't forget to tell Billy-Joe-Bob-Jim.

Diane: Oh, boy. Sam, I have dire news.
Sam: Good or bad?

Eddie: Hello, everybody.
Sam: Oh, you're just in time, Eddie, for my wedding. I'm about to marry Jacqueline Bisset.
Eddie: Oh, don't make me laugh.
Sam: Come here. See her, the girl on the phone?
Eddie: Wow, Jacqueline Bisset. What happened to her?
Sam: No, no, it's not the movie star, Eddie. The bet was Jacqueline Bisset and that's the lady's name. She's got lots of ID to prove it.
Eddie: What is this, a trick?
Carla: No, it's no trick. He's winning the bet.
Diane: So why don't you call Sam the winner and forget the whole thing?

Eddie: Now, I'll consider dropping the whole matter for maybe... five grand.
Sam: Absolutely not. You're getting nothing from me, Eddie.
Eddie: Okay. All right, Sam. I'll consider it square if you give me and a date free drinks for the rest of my life.
Sam: No.
Carla: Do it, Sam. I'd almost like to see what would go out with him. Besides me, I mean. [to Diane] Well, he kinda grows on you, you know.

Eddie: Free drinks for the rest of the year?
Sam: Sorry, the answer's no.
Eddie: All right, look, one on the house?
Sam: Not a chance.
Eddie: Gee, come on, Sam. How about one of those olives with the pimento in? [Sam hands him one] You think about this the next time you shoot your mouth off in some bar. [exits]
Sam: Drinks on the house, huh?

Sam: So, Jackie, is Diane making you feel a little bit better about what happened?
Jacqueline Bisset: Yes, she is.
Sam: Well, good. You know, she'd be the one to understand. You know, for a whole year, this little filly and I... [Diane elbows Sam in the gut]
Diane: More tea?
Jacqueline Bisset: Thank you.