Cliff: All right, look, I'll call and see what the penalty is, but it's got to be anonymous.
Coach: OK, everybody in favor of Cliff calling, raise your hand. [all hands go up] It's anonymous. Not even an extension.

Norm: How many letters you got left?
Cliff: I don't know. Seven or eight. [eats soup] Boy, this tastes good.
Norm: Hey, these are all on my way home. Let me drop these off for you, Cliffie. I've got to go home anyway.
Cliff: No, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.
Norm: What qualified? You drop them in a slot. A chimp could do it.
Cliff: A chimp? No way. They did a study at the University of Michigan. Chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything, but...

Diane: Bambi?
Sam: Yeah, what's wrong with that?
Diane: Well, I suppose it's better than Dumbo or Goofy. Not as appropriate, but...
Sam: Coach, can I have my flashlight, please?
Diane: You know, Sam I can't help but noticing that Bambi wasn't the same little deer that you left here with on Friday.
Sam: No, I got rid of Cindy. We weren't compatible.
Diane: Really? What was the problem there?
Sam: Dumb as a post.
Diane: Oh, with so much in common, I can't imagine why you two went awry.
Sam: No, I'm serious. I mean, she just wasn't my intellectual equal.
Diane: You should have said you're looking for an intellectual equal. I could introduce you to something that's growing on my shower curtain.

Diane: Why don't you just call in sick?
Cliff: Oh, I could never do that, Diane. It's a matter of principle with me. I've got to be on the verge of death before I take sick leave.
Carla: I thought you used it all up to go to Florida.
Cliff: You got a problem with that?

Police Officer: Cliff Clavin?
Cliff: Yeah, Officer. What's the trouble?
Police Officer: Do you know a Norm Peterson?
Cliff: Yeah. Well, what is it?
Police Officer: Well, we have him down at the station. We've arrested him for mail theft.
Cliff: Oh. No, no, no. You've made a mistake there, Officer.
Police Officer: No, no, there's no mistake. We caught him red-handed messing with mail boxes on your route. He had a handful of letters. He said he was delivering them for you.
Cliff: Yeah, I asked him to.
Police Officer: You asked him to? Well, you're out of a job, fella.
Cliff: Uh, excuse me, Officer, you interrupted me before I finished. I asked him to quit following me. I mean, the guy, I had him pegged as a sociopath right away. He's a frustrated mailman. We call it postal envy.

Diane: Clifford, get back here.
Cliff: Oh, look, isn't it obvious what I did here?
Coach: Yeah, it's obvious what you've done. You've run your best friend Norm up the river.
Cliff: We're in trouble here. I mean, my job's hanging by a thread. Norm's in jail anyway. Just leave him there a little longer while I figure out what's the best thing to do for all concerned here. Norm will be OK.
Carla: Hey, look, Norm isn't at some party, you know? I mean, by now he's probably had all his valuables taken, been strip-searched, been deloused and thrown into some dark, cold cell with a sex-starved pervert.
Cliff: So? That's how he describes a typical evening at home.

Cliff: [on the phone] The reason I called you, sir, is because I'm looking for an attorney that specializes in criminal federal offences. Yeah, you're going to be defending the best friend I have in the entire world and money is no object. How much? For one guy? Stick your writ in your briefs, you ambulance chaser. [hangs up] Well, let's let some young, hungry public defender make a name for himself on this one, all right?

Sam: You're kidding me. Diane actually agreed to crawl around in the air duct?
Carla: She had to. She'd been shooting her face off about it all day.
Sam: Where is she now?
Diane: [o.s.] I'm beneath you, Sam.
Sam: Well, I always knew that, but...

Larry: So, Norm, any luck impregnating Vera?
Norm: I miss the old days when people asked me things like, "How are those Red Sox doing?" Things like that.
Larry: Well, excuse me for caring.
Norm: Yeah, I'm sorry, Larry, I'm just a little edgy. You have to understand I've gone an entire month with sex.
Cliff: That's all right, Normie, Larry understands. Don't you, Larry? But you've been trying for a few weeks now and you've yet to strike paydirt. Can I ask you a personal question?
Norm: Heaven forbid this conversation get personal now.
Cliff: Have you been to a fertility specialist?
Norm: Yeah, actually, we have, but I don't have a lot of faith in this guy. He's got Vera sprinkling powdered rhinoceros horn on my cereal in the morning.
Coach: Does it make you feel more virile, Normie?
Norm: Not really, but every now and then I get this urge to charge a jeep.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: Ah, what would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.