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‘The Mail Goes to Jail’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Mail Goes to Jail

317. The Mail Goes to Jail

Aired February 7, 1985

When Norm is jailed after helping a sick Cliff finish his mail round, everyone at the bar is outraged that Cliff cares more about protecting his job than his best friend.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: All right, look, I'll call and see what the penalty is, but it's got to be anonymous.
Coach: OK, everybody in favor of Cliff calling, raise your hand. [all hands go up] It's anonymous. Not even an extension.

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Quote from Cliff

Norm: How many letters you got left?
Cliff: I don't know. Seven or eight. [eats soup] Boy, this tastes good.
Norm: Hey, these are all on my way home. Let me drop these off for you, Cliffie. I've got to go home anyway.
Cliff: No, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.
Norm: What qualified? You drop them in a slot. A chimp could do it.
Cliff: A chimp? No way. They did a study at the University of Michigan. Chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything, but...

Quote from Diane

Diane: Bambi?
Sam: Yeah, what's wrong with that?
Diane: Well, I suppose it's better than Dumbo or Goofy. Not as appropriate, but...
Sam: Coach, can I have my flashlight, please?
Diane: You know, Sam I can't help but noticing that Bambi wasn't the same little deer that you left here with on Friday.
Sam: No, I got rid of Cindy. We weren't compatible.
Diane: Really? What was the problem there?
Sam: Dumb as a post.
Diane: Oh, with so much in common, I can't imagine why you two went awry.
Sam: No, I'm serious. I mean, she just wasn't my intellectual equal.
Diane: You should have said you're looking for an intellectual equal. I could introduce you to something that's growing on my shower curtain.

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Why don't you just call in sick?
Cliff: Oh, I could never do that, Diane. It's a matter of principle with me. I've got to be on the verge of death before I take sick leave.
Carla: I thought you used it all up to go to Florida.
Cliff: You got a problem with that?

Quote from Cliff

Police Officer: Cliff Clavin?
Cliff: Yeah, Officer. What's the trouble?
Police Officer: Do you know a Norm Peterson?
Cliff: Yeah. Well, what is it?
Police Officer: Well, we have him down at the station. We've arrested him for mail theft.
Cliff: Oh. No, no, no. You've made a mistake there, Officer.
Police Officer: No, no, there's no mistake. We caught him red-handed messing with mail boxes on your route. He had a handful of letters. He said he was delivering them for you.
Cliff: Yeah, I asked him to.
Police Officer: You asked him to? Well, you're out of a job, fella.
Cliff: Uh, excuse me, Officer, you interrupted me before I finished. I asked him to quit following me. I mean, the guy, I had him pegged as a sociopath right away. He's a frustrated mailman. We call it postal envy.

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Clifford, get back here.
Cliff: Oh, look, isn't it obvious what I did here?
Coach: Yeah, it's obvious what you've done. You've run your best friend Norm up the river.
Cliff: We're in trouble here. I mean, my job's hanging by a thread. Norm's in jail anyway. Just leave him there a little longer while I figure out what's the best thing to do for all concerned here. Norm will be OK.
Carla: Hey, look, Norm isn't at some party, you know? I mean, by now he's probably had all his valuables taken, been strip-searched, been deloused and thrown into some dark, cold cell with a sex-starved pervert.
Cliff: So? That's how he describes a typical evening at home.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: [on the phone] The reason I called you, sir, is because I'm looking for an attorney that specializes in criminal federal offences. Yeah, you're going to be defending the best friend I have in the entire world and money is no object. How much? For one guy? Stick your writ in your briefs, you ambulance chaser. [hangs up] Well, let's let some young, hungry public defender make a name for himself on this one, all right?

Quote from Sam

Sam: You're kidding me. Diane actually agreed to crawl around in the air duct?
Carla: She had to. She'd been shooting her face off about it all day.
Sam: Where is she now?
Diane: [o.s.] I'm beneath you, Sam.
Sam: Well, I always knew that, but...

Quote from Norm

Larry: So, Norm, any luck impregnating Vera?
Norm: I miss the old days when people asked me things like, "How are those Red Sox doing?" Things like that.
Larry: Well, excuse me for caring.
Norm: Yeah, I'm sorry, Larry, I'm just a little edgy. You have to understand I've gone an entire month with sex.
Cliff: That's all right, Normie, Larry understands. Don't you, Larry? But you've been trying for a few weeks now and you've yet to strike paydirt. Can I ask you a personal question?
Norm: Heaven forbid this conversation get personal now.
Cliff: Have you been to a fertility specialist?
Norm: Yeah, actually, we have, but I don't have a lot of faith in this guy. He's got Vera sprinkling powdered rhinoceros horn on my cereal in the morning.
Coach: Does it make you feel more virile, Normie?
Norm: Not really, but every now and then I get this urge to charge a jeep.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: Ah, what would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: What happened to the heat, Coach?
Diane: Oh, some minor malfunction that no one here is skilled enough to even attempt to fix.
Norm: Diane, I resent that. I'm kind of a handy guy. I'll have you know just the other day, I changed one of them... Um, what do you call them?
Carla: A light bulb.
Norm: A light bulb. There you go.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Hey, everybody. Oh, boy! Holy cow! What happened here? It was warmer in the mountains and we were au natural. Hey, Coach, did you check the furnace?
Coach: It's not the furnace. It's that damn vent. I called the repairman, an old buddy of mine. He's on his way over.
Sam: Oh, good. Well, Bambi, looks like it's up to you and me to generate a little heat for these folks.
Diane: Don't bother. We'll just huddle around a three-watt light bulb.
Sam: Feisty little barmaid. I took her in off the streets. She's crude, but devoted.

Quote from Sam

Bambi: Thank you, Sam. It was the best ski trip I ever had.
Sam: Yeah. Me, too.
Diane: Did you find any time for skiing?
Bambi: No, darn it. Somebody stole our skis. We had to spend the whole weekend in the lodge.
Diane: That's too bad.
Bambi: Yeah, but when we were leaving this morning, they turned up in the rack on the roof of Sam's car.
Sam: Yeah, some kids must have stolen them for a joy-ski.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Officer, I'm the owner of the bar here. Sam Malone. Is there a problem?
Police Officer: No, no. Some guy tried to implicate this letter carrier here in a mail theft on his route.
Cliff: Can you believe that?
Sam: You're kidding me. Mail theft? That's ridiculous. I've known Cliff for years. He wouldn't be involved in something like that.
Cliff: You're a fine bartender, Sammy. [to the officer] You, sir, are one of Boston's finest.
Police Officer: Well, thanks. We just had to check out the story.
Cliff: And check it out you did. By the way, the federal government appreciates the cooperation of you local boys. Let's just hope our penal system can rehabilitate the wretch.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Look, I wish you'd see this through my eyes.
Carla: [raises her fist] I'd like to see this through your eyes.
Cliff: Oh, come on, Carla. Norm's such a sweet, cuddly guy. The jury will take on look in his sad eyes and there's no way they're gonna fry him. Whereas my whole career could hang in the balance.
Carla: I'd like to see you hang in the balance.
Cliff: I notice a certain recurring theme in your comments here, Carla.

Quote from Cliff

Coach: Oh, dammit, Cliff, you're wrong. You know you're wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Diane: [o.s.] Coach is right, Clifford. You don't deserve to have a friend like Norman if you let him down now.
Coach: Yeah, so either you go in there and straighten this out or we will.
Carla: Yeah, we're never going to let you show your face in here again.
All: Yeah.
Cliff: All right. I'll call my supervisor and explain the whole thing in the morning.
All: Now!
Cliff: All right. Now. I'll go explain the whole thing now. I want you all to know that this is going to mean the end for me. Yeah, I'll be a civilian, one of the crowd. There's a lot of things I'm going to miss, too. The free mucilage, the twine. The open-with-care labels we used to stick on our flies at the Christmas party. The uniform, the respect. Yeah, I'm leaving here a mailman. I'm coming back a nobody.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Diane, I can't get to you. The opening of the air duct is too small.
Diane: [o.s.] Oh, Coach, call the furnace man, please, and tell him it's an emergency.
Coach: I already called him again, honey, this evening. He said he might not make it at all.
Diane: [o.s.] Sam, do something.
Sam: I will, sweetheart. I know somebody else I can call. But listen. I mean this. If you say the word, I will rip this floor up to get you out of there.
Diane: [o.s.] Oh, do it, Sam, please.
Sam: That's not the word. [laughs]
Diane: [o.s.] Swine.
Sam: No, no, you're getting colder.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Yii! It's freezing in here.
Carla: Didn't you hear? We've given our appliances the winter off.
Diane: There's some kind of blockage in the heating system. The furnace is working, but we're not any getting hot air.
Norm: What's Sammy going to do about it?
Diane: You know, I cannot believe this helplessness. How about a little Yankee ingenuity here? If Cheers were burning, would you wait for Sam to get back to do something about it?
Carla: No, Diane, cos I already taught them the fire drill. We all file out in an orderly fashion after nailing your hair to the bar.

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Cliff, we don't usually see you in here this early.
Cliff: [congested] Uh, I'm sick, Diane. I must be coming down with something. Thought I'd get some coffee here before I finish my route.
Coach: No, Cliff, a brandy. Let me get you a nice brandy.
Cliff: No, Coach, I hope I'm never that ill. As long as I'm carrying this bag, there's one thing that'll never touch these lips.
Carla: You mean there's something that wants to?
Cliff: Alcohol. I'm on duty, Carla. Just a coffee, please, Coach.
Coach: I can do better than that for you, Cliffie. Will somebody go upstairs to Melville's, please, and get this man a bowl of hot soup?

Quote from Norm

Diane: Clifford, the man is offering to do you a favor out of friendship for your own good.
Norm: Sounds like you have two options. Either let me deliver these or run the risk of non-delivery-livery-livery. I'll drop these off.
Cliff: Thank you, Normie. Just remember, Normie, in those envelopes are the dreams, hopes and fears of a nation.
Norm: Yeah, and several car-wash announcements.

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