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‘Bar Bet’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Bar Bet

318. Bar Bet

Aired February 14, 1985

Eddie Gordon (Michael Richards) shows up Cheers to call in a bet Sam made almost a year ago in a drunken stupor. Sam must marry Jacqueline Bisset in 24 hours or Eddie gets the bar.

Quote from Norm

Norm: All those places are right here in Boston?
Diane: Yes, Norman. This town is a veritable treasure-trove of historical monuments.
Norm: Hmm. That's really something. Thousands of people flock to Boston just t see all those sights, and soak up a lot of American heritage, and I sit here in a bar, night after night, guzzling beer.
Diane: It's sad, isn't it?
Norm: Yeah. But, hey, no one's forcing them.

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Quote from Diane

Carla: Wait, I've got an idea.
Diane: You mean you've actually conceived something besides a child?
Carla: Ooh. A bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Why don't you do this? You're a little smarter than me.
Diane: I'm a lot smarter than you are. This paper napkin is a little smarter.

Quote from Diane

Sam: You mean all I have to do is find another Jacqueline Bisset and marry her by tomorrow night? Oh, it can't be that simple.
Diane: Sam.
Sam: Hush, hush, I'm thinking.
Diane: Someone note the date and the time.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Guys, you got to help me. We got to call information all over the country.
Cliff: Yeah, well, Sammy, I think I can already help you out there. At home, I happen to have the phone books of every major metropolitan area in the country.
Norm: Why?
Cliff: Oh, I'm just one of those people who collects phone book cover art.
Norm: One of those.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, did you see the look on her face? She's a simple girl from a rural environment who finds herself in the city being entertained by a slightly attractive semi-celebrity. How could her head not be turned?
Sam: Yeah, maybe you're right. Boy, you think I laid on the charm too thick?
Diane: Yes, but she's a farm girl, she's used to stepping around such things.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Chekhov.
Cliff: Nope, Norm, it was Ibsen. Ibsen.
Norm: I'm telling you, it was Chekhov, Cliffie. I can remember what it was. "The Cherry Orchard."
Cliff: You're full of it, Norm. It was Ibsen. It was "The Master Builder."
Norm: It was Chekhov.
Cliff: Ibsen, Ibsen, Ibsen.
Norm: Chekhov, Chekhov...
Cliff: Ibsen!
Diane: Excuse me. I don't mean to stop you, by any means, but you are talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen?
Norm: Of course we're talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen. Now, Cliffie, listen to me on this one...
Diane: Oh, this is wonderful! Perhaps I might be of some assistance. I would love in some small way to contribute to your literary inquiry.
Norm: Well, I suppose she can help?
Diane: Please, please.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, if anybody can, you can.
Diane: I'd like to think so.
Cliff: Okay, all right, what were you watching on TV that night when Norm stuffed his face full of cheese doodles and whistled "The Way We Were"?
Diane: Ibsen. And it was taco chips.
Cliff: Pay up. Let's go.
Norm: All right, all right. Now that I think about it, I guess it was Chekhov and cheese doodles the night Artie Sullivan tried to prove he could comb his hair with his feet.
Cliff: Yeah, you're on thin ice arguing the classics with me.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I wish Coach was here, he'd know who he was.
Norm: Where is the Coach?
Sam: Oh, he went to get his driver's licence renewed, he'll be back next week.
Norm: What's taking him so long?
Sam: He went up to Vermont. He heard the test was a lot easier up there.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, why don't you just ask this man what his name is? Better one minute of embarrassment than making a fool of yourself.
Sam: No, it'd be too easy. I can handle this. You know how good I am at thinking on my feet.
Diane: Well, I have seen you add and subtract on them.
Norm: Subtraction must kinda hurt?

Quote from Norm

Sam: Uh, hey, listen, this was obviously a joke, Eddie.
Norm: Come on, I'm no expert, but I know a little bit about the law and this sounds like a crock, pal. No way you'll never own this bar.
Eddie: Well, when I take over, I'm thinking of serving free chicken wings.
Norm: Sorry, Sam, the law's the law. What do you say to those little meatballs. You know, get a Sterno flame...
Sam: You know, I don't want you to take this personally, Eddie, but as a drinking partner, you stink!
Eddie: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Sam. Look, I'll see you tomorrow at midnight, when the bar becomes mine.
Cliff: Have you thought about serving those little crab puffs? They're very popular.
Norm: Melville's has a recipe with mustard sauce.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Whoa, this has to be a joke, doesn't it?
Tom: Hey, why don't you let an attorney take a look at that, huh, Sam?
Cliff: Do you know of one, or did you finally pass the Massachusetts bar exam with the rarely- used pity clause?
Tom: You know, when I pass my bar exam, Cliff, you're going to eat your words.
Cliff: Yeah, if I got any teeth left.
All right, what do you think there, Mr. Witless for the prosecution?
Tom: Well, it appears you and Eddy Gordon signed an agreement which may or may not be binding.
Cliff: Oh, hey, Tom, knock off the legalese, will you? Talk to us in a language we can understand here.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Sam, I just talked to a man in Green Bank, West Virginia, who's got a grand-daughter named Jacqueline Bisset, 25-years-old and unmarried.
Sam: Oh, that's great. Let me talk to her.
Cliff: No, I already did. Jackie will be here tomorrow morning.
Sam: Hey, hey, hey. How did you do it?
Cliff: Oh, a little ingenuity. I told her she'd won a trip to Boston in a radio game show. Yeah, so when she gets here, all you have to do is convince her to marry you.
Sam: I could kiss you.
Cliff: Well, yeah, you can. But I warn you, you're not going to get anywhere. [laughs] Yeah, well, I offered a few prizes to induce her to come.
Sam: That's OK, like what?
Cliff: Well, free round-trip air fare, first class, suite at the Ritz, free historical tour, matched set of luggage.
Sam: Why didn't you just offer her a car, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, I did, but she took the cash instead. Only kidding, Sammy. The point is, she'll be here.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, aren't you forgetting one important step? You still have to get her to marry you.
Sam: It's no problem. As soon as I get her face-to-face, she'll fall under the old Sammy spell.
Cliff: You killer.
Diane: Sam Malone, your vanity knows no bounds.
Sam: All the same, I guess I ought to wear something nice. My best outfit. Say, Diane, when you dream of me, what am I wearing?
Diane: An ant hill.

Quote from Sam

Sam: [on the phone] Congratulations, Coach. I mean, all the weeks of cramming, burning the midnight oil, and drilling with your friends, it's all paid off. We're proud of you. Yeah, all right. Take care. [hangs up]
Carla: Coach passed his driver's test?
Sam: No, he found Vermont.

Quote from Diane

Diane: It's getting late.
Norm: Yeah, Sammy must be having a hard time talking Jackie into it.
Diane: Yes, and if he doesn't get back in a year, his cologne will wear off.

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