Norm: All those places are right here in Boston?
Diane: Yes, Norman. This town is a veritable treasure-trove of historical monuments.
Norm: Hmm. That's really something. Thousands of people flock to Boston just t see all those sights, and soak up a lot of American heritage, and I sit here in a bar, night after night, guzzling beer.
Diane: It's sad, isn't it?
Norm: Yeah. But, hey, no one's forcing them.

Carla: Wait, I've got an idea.
Diane: You mean you've actually conceived something besides a child?
Carla: Ooh. A bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Sam: Why don't you do this? You're a little smarter than me.
Diane: I'm a lot smarter than you are. This paper napkin is a little smarter.

Sam: You mean all I have to do is find another Jacqueline Bisset and marry her by tomorrow night? Oh, it can't be that simple.
Diane: Sam.
Sam: Hush, hush, I'm thinking.
Diane: Someone note the date and the time.

Sam: Guys, you got to help me. We got to call information all over the country.
Cliff: Yeah, well, Sammy, I think I can already help you out there. At home, I happen to have the phone books of every major metropolitan area in the country.
Norm: Why?
Cliff: Oh, I'm just one of those people who collects phone book cover art.
Norm: One of those.

Diane: Sam, did you see the look on her face? She's a simple girl from a rural environment who finds herself in the city being entertained by a slightly attractive semi-celebrity. How could her head not be turned?
Sam: Yeah, maybe you're right. Boy, you think I laid on the charm too thick?
Diane: Yes, but she's a farm girl, she's used to stepping around such things.

Norm: Chekhov.
Cliff: Nope, Norm, it was Ibsen. Ibsen.
Norm: I'm telling you, it was Chekhov, Cliffie. I can remember what it was. "The Cherry Orchard."
Cliff: You're full of it, Norm. It was Ibsen. It was "The Master Builder."
Norm: It was Chekhov.
Cliff: Ibsen, Ibsen, Ibsen.
Norm: Chekhov, Chekhov...
Cliff: Ibsen!
Diane: Excuse me. I don't mean to stop you, by any means, but you are talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen?
Norm: Of course we're talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen. Now, Cliffie, listen to me on this one...
Diane: Oh, this is wonderful! Perhaps I might be of some assistance. I would love in some small way to contribute to your literary inquiry.
Norm: Well, I suppose she can help?
Diane: Please, please.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, if anybody can, you can.
Diane: I'd like to think so.
Cliff: Okay, all right, what were you watching on TV that night when Norm stuffed his face full of cheese doodles and whistled "The Way We Were"?
Diane: Ibsen. And it was taco chips.
Cliff: Pay up. Let's go.
Norm: All right, all right. Now that I think about it, I guess it was Chekhov and cheese doodles the night Artie Sullivan tried to prove he could comb his hair with his feet.
Cliff: Yeah, you're on thin ice arguing the classics with me.

Sam: I wish Coach was here, he'd know who he was.
Norm: Where is the Coach?
Sam: Oh, he went to get his driver's licence renewed, he'll be back next week.
Norm: What's taking him so long?
Sam: He went up to Vermont. He heard the test was a lot easier up there.

Diane: Sam, why don't you just ask this man what his name is? Better one minute of embarrassment than making a fool of yourself.
Sam: No, it'd be too easy. I can handle this. You know how good I am at thinking on my feet.
Diane: Well, I have seen you add and subtract on them.
Norm: Subtraction must kinda hurt?

Sam: Uh, hey, listen, this was obviously a joke, Eddie.
Norm: Come on, I'm no expert, but I know a little bit about the law and this sounds like a crock, pal. No way you'll never own this bar.
Eddie: Well, when I take over, I'm thinking of serving free chicken wings.
Norm: Sorry, Sam, the law's the law. What do you say to those little meatballs. You know, get a Sterno flame...
Sam: You know, I don't want you to take this personally, Eddie, but as a drinking partner, you stink!
Eddie: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Sam. Look, I'll see you tomorrow at midnight, when the bar becomes mine.
Cliff: Have you thought about serving those little crab puffs? They're very popular.
Norm: Melville's has a recipe with mustard sauce.