Carla: Woody! Woody, for the last time, will you call this thing off before disaster strikes?
Woody: Carla, I couldn't even if I wanted to, now that Kelly's in a family way.
Sam: Family way? Just from this morning?
Woody: Wouldn't surprise me. Farm boys know these things. She's got that same glow we used to see on the brood sow's snout after we'd fed the hogs fermented swill.
Sam: Yeah?
Woody: Pretty soon, she'll be grunting, squealing and cranking out piglets.
Norm: Never lose those stars in your eyes, Wood.

Cliff: Boy, look at him, Norm. One minute he's here, next minute he's gone. Really makes you think, doesn't it? Friendship, mortality, the afterlife... What's it all about? That's a nice watch he's wearing.
Norm: No. No, Cliff, no.
Cliff: I'm just saying, is all.

Lilith: What's taking so long? Shouldn't the wedding have started by now?
Sam: Uh, well, something came up, Lilith. I'm afraid I can't go into it, but, uh, maybe it'd be a good idea if you went out there and, you know, were to sing and dance and use some of your natural talents to entertain people.
Lilith: Oh, my God, someone died, didn't they? You can count on me, Sam. Good heavens, death at a wedding. How appalling.

Man: Du dort! Ich glaube Du bist der nachdem ich suche.
Sam: Pardon me?
Man: Ich will nicht, dass Sie mit meiner Frau flirten!
Sam: "Frau, frau," that's German. Anybody speak German?
Norm: Just the basics, Sam. Uh, "Lowenbrau, Michelob, bratwurst."

Cliff: [chuckles] Boy, Sammy, you ought to see Lilith out there. She's really working up a sweat, singing, dancing, doing impressions! She's doing everything but playing the spoons!
Lilith: [enters] I'm cooking. Give me an A-flat. [Sam taps two wine bottles together] Thank you. [spoons clacking] [sings] When you're smiling When you're smiling The whole world smiles [exits]
Norm: You know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let them see the corpse after all, eh?

Sam: You feeling up to performing a wedding?
Uncle Roger: Perform a wedding? I'd sooner be dead.
Sam: Oh, now, now, don't, don't you get started on this.
Uncle Roger: I hate weddings. Well, my own marriage was a, a disaster. l- l- l at times I prayed I would die and go to a better hell than the one I was living.
Sam: Oh, my... Just talk to him, will you, Norm?
Norm: What am I gonna do, argue with the man?
Uncle Roger: Marriage ruined my life! Oh, Norm, Norm, if you only knew.
Norm: Amen, brother, amen.

Norm: I wonder how Lilith is doing out there.
Lilith: [o.s.] And this time, just the women yodel.

Kelly: I need a bandage for Mr. Clavin. He pricked his finger sewing my button on, and he's being a real baby about it. Apparently, his mother used to tell him bedtime stories about gangrene.

Frasier: Roger, please! I'm a psychiatrist. You're a minister. We're both professional men. We're in the business of helping people. Don't make me hit you!
Uncle Roger: I am not going near that wedding.
Frasier: Oh, Sam, I give up. I've tried every known therapy. This man is beyond the help of medical science.
Sam: I don't understand this. I mean, he, he was perfectly happy when he was drunk.
Frasier: Calling Dr. Daniels. Dr. Jack Daniels.

Cliff: For crying out loud. $72 million and they can't afford a bottle of Bactine. I tell you, if I lose this finger, this house and everything in it is gonna belong to me. Just remind me to call my attorney after the wedding, all right?