Cliff: I can sew. Yeah, Ma thought it was a skill every young man should learn.
Kelly: Oh, that was very sensible of her.
Cliff: Oh, sure, I can also knit, crochet and do bargello. You ought to see this petit-point rug I did of John Wayne ascending into heaven.

Woody: You'd think those dogs would know me by now. Mr. Gaines is always giving them one of my shoes to sniff.

Carla: So what'd you clowns get the happy couple?
Cliff: Well, uh, you know, Carla, recent surveys show there are a lot of wasteful duplication in wedding gifts.
Norm: Yeah. Everybody gets like, you know four toasters and four-dozen fondue forks. They always wind up sitting in a closet somewhere.
Cliff: Yeah, so, uh, we went for the, uh, practical.
Norm: Yep. Ta-dah!
Carla: Hey, wait a minute. Is that a new garbage can?
Norm: Um... yeah.
Carla: Like hell it is. You just took that out of your kitchen and brought it here!
Norm: Hey, this is a seasoned receptacle, okay?
Carla: Oh, God!
Norm: They got some fetish to look at a brand-new garbage can, they can come over to my kitchen.

Frasier: Darling, what's taking you so long, just to write a simple card?
Lilith: We're the most articulate couple Woody and Kelly know. I'd like to leave them with some words they can reread and cherish twenty years from now.
Frasier: Yeah, if they're still married then. Forgive me if I seem unduly cynical, but geez, I've treated so many emotionally scarred husbands and wives, it's hard for me to get sentimental over a simple greeting card.
Carla: What'd you write?
Lilith: "May you never forget the way your hearts leapt up when first you gazed into each other's eyes."
Frasier: [crying] Oh, God Lilith! I still remember!

Rebecca: Whoa, guys, this is going to be some kind of wedding reception.
Sam: I tell you, it was pretty nice of Mr. Gaines to buy all his liquor from us. I think I'm going to throw in that special case of wine I got in here.
Rebecca: Sam, you might as well leave on your apron. You're going down to the cellar.
Sam: Oh, yeah, you're right. [hums as he puts on a hair net] It's all cobwebby down there. [exits]
Lilith: It's a perfectly sensible precaution. After all, it's not as though he slept in a shower cap.
Frasier: No.
Cliff: Oh, well, so what if he did? I mean, uh, like any guy might. You know, to keep the spiders off his head.
Lilith: Do you realize, when I publish my book on borderline psychosis, every penny I ever spent in this bar will be deductible?

Norm: You know, no matter how often I see it, the sight of young lovers never fails to make me sick.

Carla: Oh, oh. Oh, bad news, guys. The wedding's off.
Woody: What are you talking about, Carla?
Carla: Well, according to my chart, this is the worst possible day for you guys to get married. If you do, the wedding will be a disaster.
Cliff: Oh, for crying out loud, Carla! You ought to know by now, horoscopes are for suckers.
Carla: Oh, they're for suckers, huh, Clavin?
Cliff: Sure. I was reading an article debunking them in last month's UFO Spotter's Guide.

Rebecca: Come on, Carla. As soon as we're finished setting up, we can enjoy the wedding.
Carla: I'm telling you, Rebecca, nobody's gonna enjoy this wedding. The stars don't lie. The day is gonna be a disaster. There's gonna be carnage, bloodshed, destruction. People will be fighting each other to get on stretchers and begging to be put out of their misery.
Rebecca: Carla, if you feel that way, why didn't you just stay home?
Carla: What? And spend the night with my kids?

Sam: Hey, that's the nicest wine closet I've ever been in.
Rebecca: Well, Robin and I were gonna have one, too. It was gonna have stereo and hanging plants and two little chairs and a little table, and we would sit there late at night with a very special bottle of wine. The son of a bitch.

Woody: You wanted to talk to me, Mr. Gaines?
Mr. Gaines: Yes, Woody, now that we're almost family, Mr. Gaines sounds pretty cold and formal.
Woody: Dad?
Mr. Gaines: But better than that; have a seat here, Woody. Now, Woody, I don't think I've ever tried to hide the fact that I dislike you intensely.
Woody: I appreciate that, sir.
Mr. Gaines: The only reason I've accepted this union is that my daughter loves you so very much. Oh, I know she's had other suitors with better backgrounds, but they all had one thing on their minds. They couldn't keep their hands off my little girl, and I hate that. But you, on the other hand, have always seemed to respect and love my daughter. But believe me, if I thought for one moment, you didn't respect my Kelly, I'd call off this wedding and have those dogs of mine eat you alive. Do I make myself clear?
Woody: Oh, yes, sir.
Mr. Gaines: Now, Woody, I know this sounds like a meddlesome father-in-law giving advice, but it isn't. It's a threat.
Woody: [to Sam & Rebecca] Think he's starting to like me.