Narrator: And the two friends caught up.
Tobias: But if I wouldn't have gotten arrested, I wouldn't have ended up working at the rehab, and I wouldn't have reconnected with my love. True, I can't ethically ravage her body, I have to leave that to time, but she's just so much fun to be with.
Gob: I, too, am in a relationship, but this person is sort of a celebrity.
Tobias: Well, turns out my femme fatale is a bit of a celebrity herself.
Gob: Well, looks like life is going pretty well for both of us. Except that I'm broke.
Tobias: And I'm a sex offender.
Gob: Michael expects me to sell these split-level death traps. And how am I supposed to do that? I mean, there are no schools or libraries or internet or playgrounds within 20 miles of here.
Tobias: You know, it's funny, I've been looking for a place to live, and that fills virtually every parole requirement I have.

Tobias: [on reel] I'm Dr. House, and it's called GVH. The graft is rejecting the host.

Ron Howard: You know, a father doesn't really like to hear that when it comes to his daughter.
Tobias: I haven't had a chance to talk to her father.
Michael: Yeah, I have not yet had a chance to talk to her father, but...
Tobias: No, no. I was saying that. Because you are talking to her father.
Ron Howard: Did you not know that I'm Rebel's dad?
Michael: I knew that part. But I also... I thought that you might also be her...
Tobias: Her lover?
Michael: No.
Tobias: Well, this is hardly an episode of Happy Days. I get it. I was arrested as a sex offender, but at least I knew it was my daughter I was arrested for coming on to. [chuckles] Now, about my project, it's a family piece.

Tobias: I'm also an analyst and a therapist, which makes me...
Narrator: Prison had taught Tobias at least one thing...
Tobias: A theralyst. Now, let's have a wrap-about, and what we'll do is just take a comfy pose. I want everybody just to sit back and relax where they are and let's learn about each other and let's find out about each... Oh, my goodness. Wow. Well, it seems as if we are amongst royalty here. I'm sorry, how old are you?
Mark Cherry: 23.
Tobias: Ah. Well within my rights. Yes, why don't you take the comfortable chair? And we're going to start with you, and, please, first names only.
Mark Cherry: Hi, I'm Mark.
Tobias: Mark Cherry, we all know that, but, please, first names only.
Mark Cherry: Mark is my first name, Cherry is my last name.
Tobias: Oh, and Simon says you're out. [Mark gets up to leave] No. No, Mark Cherry, I was having fun. I have a bit of a wit. Sometimes I have to tell people 'cause they can't figure it out from when I say the things that I... But, please, Mr. Cherry, first names only.

Narrator: The Austerity Clinic was a well-known rehab facility that, on this particular day, was about to get a new therapist.
Tobias: Hello, everyone. I am Dr. Tobias Fünke and I will be your therapist. [police office clears his throat] Yes, I'm getting to that. And I am also a registered sex offender. Now, let's have a wrap-about. I am here because Lucille Austero has given me the opportunity to pay my debt to society.
Narrator: Although, technically, it was society that owed him, as he was the victim of a merry mix-up.

Tobias: Is there a little girl here all by herself? Daddy needs to get his rocks-
Narrator: We don't have to hear this again. But he was arrested despite his innocence.
Tobias: Oh, yey, Officers, are you here for the raccoon? Oh, no, I'm not a raccoon, I'm-
Narrator: Because, instead of asking for a lawyer...
John Beard: [v.o.] This creep chose to ask about a more pressing matter. Is this going to be SAG or AFTRA?
Narrator: And for the first time, Tobias started to get recognized for his television work.
Tobias: Oh, no, no, that's not representative of who I am.
Prison Guard: Anus Tart.
Tobias: Yep, that's me.

Mark Cherry: So I got involved with drugs, and there were bees and drinking, and I just decided it was time to get away. In fact...
All: [sing] Get away, getaway Get away, getaway...
Tobias: All right, all right, all right. We're not doing a musical here.
Mark Cherry: Thank you.
Tobias: [sings] Hopelessly hopeless.

Argyle Austero: I'm sorry, I can't allow it. Sobriety is too important. I am only sober because musical theater saved my life.
Tobias: Is that right?
Argyle Austero: Mmm.
Tobias: I'm somewhat of an actor myself. I just had something on the air three weeks ago. It was an "as myself," but whatever fills out the reel, yes?

Tobias: Beard, I'm only here to pick up my car keys.
Gob: Tobias?
Tobias: Gob?
Gob: Good to see you, old friend. What have you been up to?
Tobias: Oh, uh, things are good, nothing much. I'm a registered sex offender, but things are good.
Gob: Yes, yes.
Tobias: And I'm working at Lucille 2's rehab center, the one she owns, not the one she famously went to 12 times.

Tobias: Am I crazy, or is this really good?