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Queen B.

‘Queen B.’

Season 4, Episode 10 -  Aired May 26, 2013

As Lucille prepares for her trial with her key witness Buster, she learns her family are already divvying up her possessions.

Quote from Lucille

Narrator: And so it was Lucille who did the questioning of her new star witness, Lucille 2
Lucille: Thank you so much for coming to be my witness. You're such a large shareholder... Oh. I've made a pun.
Lucille Austero: Oh, how could I not do it for my oldest friend? Oh! Now I've gone and done a double.
Lucille: [laughs] A double. Like your pre-surgery chin.
Lucille Austero: Or your post- breakfast drink. Oh, I wish you'd come to my rehab clinic. But anything to help that Keystone Cop family of yours.
Lucille: Keystone Cops? Your references are as fresh as the wallpaper in the room of that pretend child you've had all these years. But, my friend...
Lucille Austero: You're right, I shouldn't joke. None of your family showed up, you poor thing. This is such a black mark on all of you.
Lucille: You should know about black marks. Your pillow must look like a Rorschach Test. Not that there'd be anyone to see it. So, as I was saying...


Quote from Lucille Austero

Narrator: But unfortunately, their 30 year passive-aggressive dance was losing some of its passive.
Lucille: As if everybody in this room couldn't tell how jealous and conniving you are, my dear Lucille Austero.
Lucille Austero: What I knew was that you were stealing for years. We all did! That's why nobody was surprised when you stole that boat.
Lucille: And I knew you couldn't wait to get your liver-spotted claws into my company!
Lucille Austero: Says the woman whose liver can be spotted from outer space!
Lucille: No further questions!
Lucille Austero: No further answers! Am I done?

Quote from Lucille

Lucille: If I were you, I'd put a tail on him. Get a P.I.
Michael: Where the hell am I gonna find a P.I.?
Gene Parmesan: Gene Parmesan, at your service.
[The bearded, middled-aged White man wearing a baseball cab and standing between Lucille and Michael removes "GARY" from his name tag to reveal "GENE"]
Lucille: [screams] It's Gene! He does this to me every time!
Michael: What's he doing here, Mom?
Lucille: Oh, he's working for me.
Michael: Why'd you scream then?
Lucille: I thought he was that guy. [points to a Black man]

Quote from Buster

Narrator: But alone with Buster, the tension grew worse, and things came to a head the night before the trial.
Lucille: Buster, I'm going to exhale!
Buster: No, please! I've had, like, seven in the past half hour.
Lucille: You're not the one staring five years in the face.
Buster: Well, right now, I'm staring at 100 years in the face!
Lucille: How dare you. [to the guard] Would you mind?
Buster: Be careful, defendant. Remember who you're talking to. It sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness.
Lucille: Star witness. And are you threatening yourself?
Buster: Maybe I am.

Quote from Lucille

Lucille: [on the phone] I got Olive Garden to offer us unlimited bread. Who better than the Chinese to help us build a wall, right?

Quote from Lucille

Lucille: That suit looks very hetero on you.
Tobias: Well, thank you. You look very hetero as well. Now, how are you?
Lucille: I'm as normal as blueberry pie. So write that down on a form, sign me out, I won't have to go back to prison, and maybe you'll find a new car parked in your driveway. [winks]
Tobias: Eh. Yes, well, it doesn't work that way. We have to have a series of sessions, and I have to swear in the best of my professional opinion that you have accepted and made every effort at thoughtfully reflecting upon your weaknesses.
Lucille: Yes! Write down that I did that.
Tobias: Well, no, I don't work that way.
Lucille: You don't work anyway. This is your first paying job in 10 years.
Tobias: Oh, no, no, this doesn't pay. This is part of a work release program. The state of California thinks that I'm a sex offender. Don't worry about what the state of California thinks. The point is we have a chance to be honest with ourselves.
Lucille: Fine. You don't look heterosexual in that suit. You look as swishy as Ryan Seacrest.
Tobias: Ryan Seacrest is straight.
Lucille: And I'm 40! Sign the form.

Quote from Lucille

Narrator: So Tobias was glad for the break in Lucille's sessions so that he could work on it.
Tobias: This woman is a villain.
Lucille: You think I'm a villain, too? My children are all waiting for me to die so they can divvy up my stuff, my Chinese gang mates were getting ready to noodle stab me, and even one of the guards called me "Gangie," and he was talking about the monster movie. He thinks that horrible monster looks like me! So fine, you want to call me a villain, I accept it! I'm your villain!
Tobias: Actually I was writing down a casting breakdown for the role of Lucia for my Fantastic Four musical.
Lucille: This was all about your stupid play? I was about to cry for the first time in 60 years. I remember when the last time was, too. I hid under Mama's porch during a thunderstorm and I found the remains of my...
Tobias: It's not a stupid play. It's a musical. And I have to debut it on a boat at Cinco.
Lucille: It's on a boat?
Tobias: Yes, I'll sign everyone out for the night, but I guess I'll have to play the old sea bitch myself.
Lucille: I'm in.

Quote from Lucille

Lucille: [answers phone] Hello, Lucille. I still hope you're coming to our little get-together.
Lucille Austero: You want to hear something funny? I never got an invitation! But I feel like I'm there, because it's all over the news. Oh, honey, is that you? I'm on my deck waving to you. But with those police boats following you, I guess I'm waving good-bye.
Lucille: Well, you must be mistaken, because I can't see you, and you're usually as hard to miss as Liberace wearing a fright wig.
Lucille Austero: Oh, goodness, that is you! I'm practically counting your crow's feet.
Lucille: Well, maybe I should turn back and show you another bird. [phone disconnects] Hello? Hello? Did you hear me say that about the bird? Hello?
Narrator: But it was clear that Lucille 2 hadn't heard it. So, in a fit of what sailors call "sea rage ", she turned back to show her the bird.
Lucille: Coming about. Coming about, boys!

Quote from Barry Zuckerkorn

Narrator: And that's when they got some good news from Barry.
Barry: First of all, won't be cheap. It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees.
George Sr.: What's the good news?
Narrator: Correction. Good news for Barry.
Barry: All bad news. It's all bad news.
Narrator: Although, he did have one good suggestion.
Barry: You're going away for a long time, unless we can come up with a good alibi.

Quote from Lucille

Narrator: And after devising their plan to build the wall, it was decided that George, Sr. should move out, in order to make their fake divorce look real.
Lucille: After the trial, you can move back in. It's only a trial separation. [laughs] I made a pun. Even in this time of stress.

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