Tobias: The problem is with you. See, you keep writing this infantile, ridiculous melody over and over and over again. I say that as your director. As your therapist, I'm happy that you're expressing yourself. But as a director, I don't have to like it. And I don't. But, also, good for you. Therapist now speaking. But, also, no.

Narrator: And then Tobias asked the question that nobody was thinking.
Tobias: How much would it cost to do this right? I mean, really right.
Argyle Austero: To do a Broadway-level production of the eight minutes we have right now?
Tobias: Ballpark.
Argyle Austero: $700,000.
Tobias: [whistles] Hey. I can whistle. Ooh, we have to use that in the show. Now what if, say, I could raise between $50 and $100? How much of the remainder could you generate?

Argyle Austero: Any progress on the rights?
Tobias: I'm in talks with imagine.
Narrator: Well, kinda.
[flashback:]
Receptionist: [answers phone] Ron Howard's office.
Tobias: Yes, this is Tobias Fünke. I'm a registered sex offender, and I'd like to talk to Ron- [dial tone]

Argyle Austero: Well, then you're gonna have to work with our new patient, and good luck with her. We call her the "B" word from the "C" ward. Or is it the "C" word from the "B" ward?
Narrator: And that's when Tobias got some more bad news.
Lucille: Hello, Anus Tart.
Narrator: And she never even saw the license plate.

Michael: So it's a simple choice, really. If I keep seeing her, he'll find out and kill the movie. So, I either keep the girl and lose the movie, or I keep the movie, lose the girl. But the whole reason that I did the movie was to get the girl. It's...
Narrator: [sighs] Michael, I appreciate your bravery. And I know everything seems doomed now, and believe me, I'm in a similar situation myself, but trust me. We are [bleep]. We are [bleep].
Michael: [bleep].
Tobias: I mean, unless some sort of miracle coincidence happens. But, no, the best thing to do is just walk away, and we'll lick each other's wounds.

Michael: I think I should just go tell Ron Howard that it is over.
Tobias: Yes. Ron Howard? Ron Howard's making this movie?
Michael: Yeah.
Tobias: Michael, you can't just walk away from this. You have to go talk to him.
Michael: You just told me the exact opposite.
Tobias: Reverse psychology. It didn't work. How's this? What I'm going to do for you, Michael, is, I am going to go there with you for moral support and I will act as your assistant and maybe I'll do my famous gay character. I don't think you've seen that character.
Michael: I think I have.
Tobias: Mmm... I don't think so.

Michael: I'm gonna make this quick.
Tobias: [clears throat] Are you not going to introduce me?
Michael: Thought you were going to wait in the lobby.
Tobias: Tobias Fünke. I am a producer, as well.
Ron Howard: Hey.
Tobias: But I'm also an actor. That's probably what confused you. I've done several inmate roles, as well as a couple of And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You's, but I'll get to you after.

Michael: Ron, I care about someone deeply and I think that you may also care about this person.
Ron Howard: Hey, that's terrific.
Michael: It's Rebel. Rebel Alley. And she thinks that you're going to always be in her life.
Ron Howard: I'm glad to know she thinks that.
Michael: Yeah.
Tobias: Tell him how you feel about her.
Michael: Yeah, I'm crazy about her, and I'm not going to be able to do anything about that until you let her go.
Ron Howard: She's my little num-num.
Michael: Sure.
Ron Howard: You understand what I'm saying?
Michael: Of course.
Ron Howard: I've changed her, I've bathed her.
Tobias: Now you want to bathe her.
Michael: Yeah, it's, it's my time to bathe her.
Tobias: She should be your num-num.
Michael: She should be my num-num, and you've got to just let her go, I think, once and for all.

Tobias: I'm gonna start wearing a hat when I get my hair cut, too.

Tobias: Who would bring kids here? This is no place for- I'm a registered sex offender. All right. I'm a registered sex offender. I'm a registered sex offender.