Michael: You know, I should call George Michael. I'm worried about my son.
Lucille: I'm worried about my son. George Michael will be fine with his aunt and uncle. I want you resting, not using the phone. Let me take care of you.
Michael: You know, you really are more generous than I can remember. But that's what a parent does, huh? You put your kid first?
Lucille: Rest up, sweetie. You gave me quite a scare.
Michael: Scare. Did somebody say, "Let's give him a sc-"
[Lucille hits Michael in the head with the metal water jug]
Lucille: [gasps] What is the matter with me? Clumsy Clara.
Michael: Totally cool. Didn't feel a thing. You know, Mom, I'm crazy about this aspirin. I can't believe we give it to children.

Gob: Look, I don't want you thinking that your uncle is some sleazy character from the docks.
[A woman emerges from the water with a lifesaver]
Woman: Good morning.
Gob: How are you? [to George Michael] She's an Olympian hopeful. Swimming and some coaching. Yes, I will make the I.D.'s for you. But we're gonna have to make this quick. Your dad wants me out of here by noon.
George Michael: Oh, no, I wouldn't worry about him. He's staying at Gangie's. Yeah, he got in a car accident on the way back from her birthday party.
Gob: Oh, man, I told him not to let her drive.
George Michael: No. It was him driving. She's taking good care of him too. She won't even let him use the phone.
Gob: So you're telling me that he can't go anywhere and he's incommunicado?
George Michael: Right.
Narrator: And that's when Gob decided to take the yacht to South America for the summer.
Gob: I gotta alert this boat's crew. They'll be devastated. [smiles]

Michael: Hey, Buster.
Buster: Hey, brother.
Michael: Dr. Miller?
Buster: Yeah. I just jumped through a plate glass window on a date.
Michael: Oh. Well, women love to laugh.
Buster: It was worth it to be away from Mom's controlling grasp.

Narrator: George Sr. was once again being visited by his daughter.
George Sr.: That's it. I don't want- You can't- I don't- Please, you gotta stop coming here.
Lindsay: It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?
George Sr.: I can't take this anymore. I, um... Uh, I'm paying far too big a price for this.
Lindsay: Well, what about me? This is the third time I've come here. I haven't even been remotely harassed.
George Sr.: That is not what I'm paying for.
Lindsay: Have I lost it? Did I ever even have it?

George Sr.: I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands.
Lindsay: What?
George Sr.: Gold. Krugerrands. Your mother snuck 'em in here stuffed in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.
Lindsay: Stabbed?
George Sr.: In a way. I used them to pay off the other guys. To stop them from hollering obscenities at my my little girl. But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.
Lindsay: That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me.
Prison Guard: No touching!

Lucille: [o.s.] Michael, I need your help.
Michael: Coming. [Gob slaps the back of Michael's head] Ow! I got hit back there.
Gob: Right! On the back of the head, which means that you couldn't have hit the steering wheel. Mom must have clubbed you with a champagne bottle or something so she could drive.
Lindsay: Gob, how'd you figure it out?
Gob: Well, it's funny you should ask that...
Michael: No. He didn't figure anything out. I probably got hit on the back of the head because of Buster's rock. Which was behind the passenger seat.
Gob: Which means that she picked you up and dragged you over to the driver's seat.
Michael: Mom can't pick me up. She could barely pick up that bag of protein bars.
Lindsay: Guess what? They weren't protein bars. They were gold Krugerrands. And Dad finally paid attention to my intellect.
Lucille: [o.s.] Open this door!
Michael: Gob, this is nuts. Mother is frail.
Lucille: [breaks through the balcony doors] Stop this nonsense this instant!

Michael: Mom, you and I were getting along so well. I was thinking so highly of you. How could you make me think this was all my fault?
Lucille: Because if you knew it was my fault, you would've turned against me. And I had finally gotten you on my side. You were sticking up for me. l-I don't even remember you ever doing that before. I just want my children to love me.
Michael: Stop lying. Stop manipulating. Just be nicer.
Lucille: But... You're right. I'm a horrible mother.
Lindsay: No, no, Mom. You're great.
Michael: That's crazy talk.
Gob: You're a fantastic mother.

Gob: You set him up, Mom. I was halfway to South America, but I couldn't let you get away with it because we're brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other.
Michael: You were going to South America?
Gob: I don't think so.

Lucille: My neighbor Lucille Austero is constantly throwing parties for herself. She's having another one in a week.
Buster: I'm not going to that.
Narrator: Buster had been avoiding Lucille Austero since he accidentally flirted with her while not wearing his glasses. And then accidentally bid on her at a charity bachelorette auction.
Buster: Ten thousand dollars!
Lucille Austero: Buster.
Narrator: And then accidentally entered her apartment, thinking it was his mother's.
Buster: I need you right now.
Lucille Austero: Fellas, take a powder.

Narrator: Michael came home to find his mother's fourth least-favorite child.
Gob: Heard you're selling the yacht.
Michael: Yeah. I had a couple in there this morning.
Gob: Yeah, I know.
[flashback to Gob on the boat un-drawing the curtains to find a middle-aged Asian couple on the boat:]
Gob: Well, they got the Asian right. "Hotties" might be a stretch. Well, let's start with the little one.