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My Mother, the Car

‘My Mother, the Car’

Season 1, Episode 8 - Aired December 21, 2003

Lindsay talks Michael into throwing Lucille a surprise party, even as he tries to cut back on the family's expenses by selling the yacht Gob is living on.

Quote from Lindsay

Lindsay: So, anyway. Look, if you're wondering why I haven't visited maybe it's because I wanted to be thought of as more than just a beautiful face. And a gorgeous head of hair.
Narrator: Lindsay was surprised once again that no heads were turned.
Lindsay: [scoffs] I'm gonna go shopping. I'll be back tomorrow.

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Quote from Lucille

Narrator: And Michael was driving his mother to her surprise party.
Lucille: Where on earth are we going? Left at the next corner. You know, Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Lucille: I'd be happy to drive if you want me to. It's better than sitting here with Buster's stupid rock behind me.
Narrator: Buster had recently brought the rock home from an archeological dig, but had yet to find a way to get it out of the car.
Michael: Mom, you've already got two strikes on your record. You strike one more person, and it's technically a spree.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Tonight, Mother was humiliated. And I wanna throw her another surprise party a real one. One where she's not the one that's yelling "Surprise."
Lindsay: Mom yelled "Surprise"?
Michael: Yeah. She went from giddy to devastated. I mean, it would've been funny if it wasn't so... Well, it was kind of funny.

Quote from Michael

Gob: What frail act got you this time, Michael? She couldn't open a jar? What, did a clump of her hair come out in your hands?
Michael: No. It was something that she said at dinner.
[flashback:]
Lucille: It's dry.
Michael: You know, Mom, I'm sorry you're upset. But, you know if you were nicer, then maybe your kids would take better care of you, you know? Or-Or wanna be with you more.
Lucille: I've been a horrible mother.
Michael: No, Mom. You're great. You've been a great mother.
[present:]
Gob: Well, you know she's been a horrible mother, right?
Michael: You don't have to tell me. But what was I gonna say?

Quote from Buster

Michael: All right? So, it's a party. I mean, if you're not gonna do it for Mom, do it for me.
Lindsay: Okay. But I think a party's a little excessive.
Buster: Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you?
Michael: Yeah.
Buster: 'Cause I really like Mom.
Michael: We know.

Quote from Lucille Austero

Narrator: The next day, Buster decided it was time to deal with the situation with Lucille Austero.
Buster: I've already got a Lucille in my life.
Lucille Austero: I understand. That's healthy.
Buster: I didn't mean to lead you on.
Lucille Austero: Oh, Buster. I feel so foolish.
Buster: No.
Lucille Austero: Yes. I'm foolish and I'm funny and I'm needy. Am I needy?
Buster: No.
Lucille Austero: Are you sure I'm not needy? 'Cause I feel needy sometimes.

Quote from Buster

Buster: You know, we're probably not that different, you and me. You and I. Is it "l" or is it "me"?
Lucille Austero: Buster, it's us.
Buster: Yes. It is us. Us. [kisses Lucille] [both chuckle nervously]

Quote from Lucille

Paramedic: You okay, sir?
Michael: Yeah. I guess. How's my mom? She's so frail.
Lucille: I'm fine. I'm fine. I was thrown clear. I only care about you.

Quote from Michael

Michael: You know, it's funny. I remember, um, leaving the restaurant. And then, uh, I was driving, I guess. l-I just I cannot picture it.
Dr. Miller: That's pretty common, actually. It's just short-term memory loss from the bump on the back of your head.
Michael: I can't believe I did this. [sighs] My insurance rates are gonna go through the roof.
Lucille: That's not what matters now. Here, get comfortable. Scoot up.
Michael: "Scoot"? Scooter. Was there a scooter involved?
[Michael falls back and hits his head as Lucille adjusts his pillows]
Lucille: Oh, dear. I can't believe I did that. I am so sorry. I'll get you some air.
Michael: I hardly felt it. In fact, actually, uh, I didn't feel it. [glass shatters] What was that?

Quote from Buster

Lucille Austero: Buster, you remember when we were kissing last night?
Buster: It was a wild, wild ride. [quietly] But is this something we can do? Is this something society will allow?
Lucille Austero: I don't care what other people think. My God, for the first time in years I felt like I was standing on solid ground.
Buster: You know, my panic attacks have decreased. I feel confident. I'm feeling proud even. [chuckles] I mean, for the first time in my life...
[Buster gasps as he sees Lucille on the balcony opposite. He quickly turns around and crashes through the glass door.]
Lucille Austero: I'll call Dr. Miller.

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