Narrator: Tobias, meanwhile, stopped by the school.
Tobias: I know why you're doing this.
Maeby: Dad. What are you doing here? Go away.
Tobias: Yes, because the director might be here soon, right? Oops. Too late. He's already here. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the theater. I am Dr. Tobias Funke and I will be your new director.
Maeby: Oh, my God.
Narrator: Tobias had gotten the directing job by meeting with the school principal.
[flashback:]
Tobias: And you tell me you've got some P.E. teacher directing? That just makes me wanna puke all over your head, sir. Give me a chance to tell the Bard's tale and I give you my word on humble knee whence you shall not say it wasn't e'er to be.

Gob: Are you crazy? I'm a magician. I make my living with my hands. And if I'm going to be staying here-
Lucille: Staying here? What, did that Mexican throw you out?
Gob: She's not "that Mexican," Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. Anyway, it's over.
Lucille: You've got three days.
Gob: Hey. If I can't find a horny immigrant by then, I don't deserve to stay here. [chuckles]

Lucille: Michael.
Michael: Mom. What are you doing here?
Lucille: Oh. Hello, Buster. Here's a candy bar.
Buster: Oh-
Lucille: No. I'm withholding it. Look at me getting off.

George Michael: Actually, uh, I can't really go today.
Michael: How's that?
George Michael: My bike needs a tune-up or something.
Michael: Let's not blame the bike, okay? It's the poor carpenter that blames his shoddy tools for the- Ow! [bleep]! Christ! Oh, that stupid cornballing piece of-
George Michael: You okay? So I'm gonna go, okay?
Michael: Yeah, yeah. It's fine. It's good. That's okay. Have fun.

Gob: Hey, the Cornballer. I thought these things were only legal in Mexico.
Narrator: In fact, the Cornballer wasn't legal anywhere. But George Sr. continued to market it there successfully.
[flashback to George Sr.'s infomercial with Richard Simmons dubbed in Spanish]

Narrator: So Michael left for the high school hoping to reconnect with his son while Tobias's attempt to reconnect with his daughter hit a snag.
Tobias: Stop! Stop it. It's all wrong.
Maeby: But we were just about to do the kiss-
Tobias: Kiss. I know. It doesn't work. Look, you are playing adults with fully- [falls off the director's chair] Pick that up, please. With fully formed libidos not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.

Michael: What, is Lindsay right? Am I really suffocating him?
Tobias: Well, they're different people every day, teenagers. Hormones all ablaze. Except, of course, when they're onstage when I need it.
Michael: No, he said it wasn't about a girl. [sighs] Maybe he really is pulling away. [walks away]
Tobias: Not a girl? [sees George Michael talking to Steve Holt] Of course. Methinks a Cupid I shall play.

Narrator: Tobias came up with a new plan for the play and a way to connect to George Michael.
Tobias: [whispers] I know why you're in the play.
George Michael: What?
Tobias: Watch this. Okay, everybody. Well, we've lost a leading lady but did you know in Shakespeare's day that the women's roles were played by men? Fancy that. [two buys run out of the of auditorium]

George Sr.: You think you never hurt me?
Michael: What are you talking about? When have I ever rebelled?
George Sr.: I never see you anymore, Michael.
Michael: You're in prison. And I was here yesterday.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah. That's- That's I'm sorry. I couldn't break away from the poker game. Capital "G" was down to his boxers.
Michael: Strip poker?
George Sr.: Yeah, and it's tough. We can really only play about two hands.

Michael: Hey, Tobias. How's my son doing?
Tobias: Oh, well, he didn't want to rehearse today but I do think I have a handle on what he's going through. I wish I could say the same for Steve Holt. I don't know what the hell her problem is.
Michael: Her?
Tobias: Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I say that because I switched the parts, but, it's still off. Perhaps if she dressed as a woman.
Michael: She?
Tobias: Oh, for the love of God. She's playing a woman.