Mary: [slurring] You're a lot nicer than I thought you were, old Stoney, old boy.
Big Giant Head: You're too kind.
Mary: Your friend Dick is the kindest, most interesting man I have ever been with and let me tell you, I have been with a lot of men. A lot.
Big Giant Head: Oh, really? [clears throat] How many?
Mary: [drunkenly] A lady never tells.
Big Giant Head: More than 5?
Mary: Easily.
Big Giant Head: More than 40?
Mary: No. Wait. Yeah.

Dick: It's so nice to see you and Mary getting along. Isn't she wonderful?
Big Giant Head: She certainly tries to give off that impression.
Dick: Yep. She's a keeper.
Big Giant Head: Son, I want you to break up with her.
Dick: What?
Big Giant Head: You heard me.
Dick: But she's my girlfriend.
Big Giant Head: She's a slut and a boozer! Two qualities I usually like in a woman. But that's not good enough for my son!

Dick: I can't break up with Mary. I love her!
Big Giant Head: Sorry, son. My house, my rules.
Dick: But this is my house!
Big Giant Head: Right. But your house is in my galaxy. I win.
Dick: This is totally unfair!
Big Giant Head: It may seem that way now, but in time, you'll thank me!
Dick: No way! I'll never thank you! Not in a million years!
Big Giant Head: You ungrateful brat! You're on a time-out!

Dick: "Dear Dad, by the time you read this, "I'll be halfway to an undisclosed location that may or may not rhyme with Fentucky. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Love, Dick." This oughta do it.

Harry: Look, maybe he made Dick the High Commander because you're the best security officer there is.
Sally: Damn right I am. I mean, who else but me would be able to figure out that Vicki is under the bleachers right now preparing to vaporize Janice?
Harry: Mmm. See? Yeah, you're a natural. I wish I was smart enough to figure out that Vicki's down there tryin' to kill Janice.
Sally: Well, you're not smart enough, my friend.
Harry: Yep. I wish I was.
Sally: I know you do, sweetie, but... Oh, my God! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me!
Harry: Huh? [waves] Hi, Janice.

Vicki Dubcek: There you are. Nice calves. Bye-bye, pretty girl!
Sally: Don't even try it, sister.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, yeah? And who's gonna stop me?
Sally: Me. And this... this big unicorn ice cube! [Vicki vaporizes the ice statue] You melted my unicorn, you bitch!
Vicki Dubcek: Yeah. And you know what? You're next!
Sally: Not so fast! Huah! Huah! Huah! Huah! Huah! Huah!
Vicki Dubcek: I am your queen, and you will bow to me! Lower.
Sally: Sorry, master.
Vicki Dubcek: Lower!
Sally: I... can't.
Vicki Dubcek: Lower!

Sally: No, I'm serious. I love your new hair color.
Vicki Dubcek: Really?
Harry: Hello, Vicki.
Vicki Dubcek: Harry.
Harry: I'm the one you want, Vicki. And you can have me.
Vicki Dubcek: You mean it?
Harry: That's right! It's lunchtime in the hot and nasty diner. Today's special Harry loaf!
Vicki Dubcek: That's it. Aah! Ha! [Harry kicks Vicki's vaporizer gun away] How dare you trick me with your flesh!
Harry: Well, that's what it's there for.

Big Giant Head: Hey, sport.
Dick: I got nothin' to say to you.
Big Giant Head: What happened to us? Remember the jazz club? [sacts] Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo [talks] We were such pals!
Dick: That was before I found out you were my father.
Big Giant Head: Well, how does being family change everything?
Dick: It just does!
Big Giant Head: How?
Dick: Well, if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you!
Big Giant Head: You don't know, do you?

Dick: Why did you even have me?
Big Giant Head: You were a mistake. But- But, the greatest mistake I ever made!
Dick: Really?
Big Giant Head: Oh, listen, son, if that little tramp Mary Albright makes you happy, so be it. You have my blessing.
Dick: You mean it?
Big Giant Head: Yes. I really think she's a tramp.
Dick: No. I mean about your blessing!
Big Giant Head: Oh, right. You bet.