Dr. Severson: Well, let's talk about birth control. What have you used in the past?
Sally: Nothing.
Dick: It never really occurred to us to use anything.
Dr. Severson: Oh. Well, uh, how long have the two of you been married?
Sally: Married? Oh, he's my brother. [off Dr. Severson's look] Oh, no, no, no. I have a boyfriend. I'm not even attracted to him.
Dick: Thanks for the gratuitous slam, Sally.

Mary: You are unbelievable.
Dick: What? I sprang for this pie.
Nina: You have to give the guy something.
Dick: Well, why? A tip is supposed to be a reward for good service.
Mary: He brought the pizza all the way up here.
Dick: But that's his job. We have a business arrangement. I'm not his mommy!

Dick: Sally, is my shirt ready?
Sally: In a minute.
Harry: Sally, I'm starving. What's for dinner?
Sally: Oh, I made you some hamburgers. They're down at the hamburger place. All you have to do is go there, order, and pay for 'em.

Don: Why are you crying?
Sally: The movie's so sad.
Don: It's Caddyshack.
Sally: Yeah, but the gopher's making fun of everybody. [sobs]

Mr. Mora: All right, listen up, people. Today, we're gonna talk about what happens during sexual intercourse.
Tommy: Um, are we gonna be choosing lab partners? 'Cause if so, I got dibs on Donna Hagen.
Mr. Mora: No, we're not choosing lab partners, Tommy.
Tommy: Well, then, we're gonna need a much more attractive C.P.R. dummy.
Mr. Mora: All right, now, the male and female reproductive cells each carry half- Yes?
Tommy: I'm sorry, but this material just lacks a certain, um... I don't know hotness.
Mr. Mora: Let's talk about cellular meiosis, all right? There are 5 stages- Uh, yes?
Tommy: When are you gonna teach us how to unhook a bra?
Mr. Mora: We're not learning that.
Tommy: Okay. Well, all this stuff is very interesting, but I'm not gonna get to any of it if I can't unhook a bra.

Harry: Hi, there, skipper. Bad day at school?
Tommy: Yeah. They don't teach you anything you can use. I had sex ed today oh.
Dick: Oh. Did they teach you how to take off a bra?
Tommy: No. That's the thing. It's all "ed" and no sex.
Dick: Oh, Tommy, how I wish we could afford private school for you.

Sally: Don, this is so special... the wine, the candles the fish sticks.
Don: I know your weak spot.
Sally: Rrahhrr!
Don: [chuckles] You know we don't have to eat right now. Why don't I fire up the lava lamp?
Sally: The red one?
Don: Oh, yeah, baby.
Sally: Will you turn on the black light in the aquarium?
Don: Sure, baby.
Sally: Did you take out the dead angel fish?
Don: I will, baby.

[As Sally and Don kiss, she pulls away]
Don: What?
Sally: I can't!
Don: Is it because of the fish sticks? Because I could brush my teeth.
Sally: No, no. I love fish sticks. It's just I can't have sex with you tonight.
Don: Why?
Sally: Tommy gave me millions of reasons.
Don: That little bastard.

Dick: Mary thinks I'm cheap.
Harry: What, cheap? You're not cheap. You're thrifty.
Tommy: Frugal.
Harry: Economical.
Tommy: Cheap.
Harry: Yeah, that's it. You're cheap.
Dick: I can't let her think that. From now on, I'm tipping a generous 3% to 5%.
Harry & Tommy: [both chirp] Cheap cheap cheap! Cheap cheap cheap!
Dick: I am not cheap!

Sally: Dick, we're having girl talk here.
Dick: Oh, girl talk.
Sally: Anyway, Don and I have been together for a while now, and so far, I've been lucky, but how long can I stay lucky?
Mrs. Dubcek: Honey, what kind of birth control are you using?
Sally: Birth control? I can control birth?
Dick: Sure, you can. You know, with birth control.
Sally: Oh, do not come in here claiming you know what that is.
Dick: But I do. I know that, I know tipping, I know everything. And I'm not cheap.
Harry & Tommy: [both chirp] [o.s.] Cheap cheap cheap!