Pizza Guy: Somebody ordered a pizza?
Mary: Nobody here.
Dick: Oh yes, they did. Lunch is on me today, girls. Money is no object, so put away those wallets. I am paying for this pizza. A pizza being paid for... by me.
Mary: Thanks, Dick.
Nina: Thank you, Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Oh, it's my pleasure.
Pizza Guy: That'll be $12.
Dick: And there you are.
Pizza Guy: And here's your change.
Dick: Mm-hmm. Let's see, 4.5% of $12 would be... Uh, excuse me. Where's the little patio table that keeps the cheese from sticking to the lid?
Pizza Guy: Sorry, man.
Dick: Thank you. [pizza guy holds out his hand] I said thank you, my good man.

Mr. Mora: Now, you have two different kinds of chromosomes: the X and the Y, and each one has a particular-
Sally: [enters] Oh, there you are.
Tommy: Oh, my God.
Mr. Mora: Yes?
Sally: Listen, my gyno's at lunch, and you're the big sex expert-
Tommy: Are you kidding? He doesn't even know how to unhook a bra.

Tommy: Honesty. Abstinence. Do you see what they're teaching us at the schools these days? Sally, while you're here, can you at least show us how to unhook a bra?
Mr. Mora: Hey, easy, Solomon.
Sally: It's okay. I'll handle it. All right, listen up, class. You got your front-loadin', and your back-loadin'. I'll need a volunteer. [all the boys' hands go up]

Waitress: Here we go. [places the glass of Merlot in front of Mary ann the Chardonnay in front of Dick]
Dick: Uh... no. [takes a dollar from the tip pile]
Waitress: Sorry. All right, we have specials tonight. There's a tri-colored salad with candied walnuts and goat cheese. It's very, very light.
Dick: What kind of dressing comes with that?
Waitress: [sighs] I'll have to check.
Dick: Ouch. [takes another note from the tip pile]

Waitress: There you go. [places a basket of bread]
Dick: Hmm... [squeezes bread close to ear] No. [takes a note in his hand] Mmm! [places the note back in the tip pile]
Mary: All right, Dick, what's going on?
Dick: Mary, I have reinvented tipping.
Mary: Oh, God.
Dick: No. I'm being generous, but more importantly, I'm being honest. I'm bringing tipping out of its dark, little cave and into the light.
Mary: It's demeaning.
Dick: It's the truth, Mary. Trust me, in the future, all tipping will be done this way.

Waitress: Okay. Just to let you know, the soup Du jour is butternut squash, and, uh... we're out of the monkfish.
Dick: Uh-oh. [takes a few notes from the tip pile]
Mary: You don't even like monkfish!
Dick: That's not the point, Mary.
Mary: Could you give us a second? [to Dick] Okay, that's it. Cut it out. From now on, I'm paying for dinner.
Dick: Fine!
Mary: [drinks] My wine tastes funny.

Sally: Wait a second. If we're both using birth control, then one of us can stop. But who?
Don: Definitely you.
Sally: Are you sure?
Don: Definitely you.
Sally: You're so sweet. You know now that I know we're both "safe," maybe we could... you know.
Don: I think I do. [they kiss]
Sally: [laughs] [cracking up] What's so funny? [crying] Nothing!
Don: This isn't gonna happen, is it?
Sally: I'll see you tomorrow.

Harry: Oh, man this PEZ sucks.
Sally: That is not PEZ. It's progesterone.
Harry: Well, then this progesterone sucks.
Tommy: The calendar function is nice.
Harry: Yeah.

Dick: Sally, do you tip your gynecologist?
Sally: Come on. With his job, he should be tipping me.
Dick: Yeah, but it's strange, though. You tip the guy who delivers your pizza, but not the guy who delivers your baby.
Tommy: That's 'cause you want your pizza to be hot.
Sally: If he delivers your baby in 30 minutes or less, though... then you tip him!
Dick: Well, that's just good service.
Harry: More people would have babies if they came with free garlic bread.
Sally: No, they wouldn't.

Don: You're right, Sally. I'm- I'm sorry. I should've rented something else.
Sally: Yeah, you could've, but you didn't, did you? Did you?!
Don: Well, why don't we just turn it off?
Sally: Oh, thanks, Donnie. I love you. [Don leans into kiss Sally] What are you doing? Playing "kiss the cow"?
Don: What do you mean?
Sally: Oh, please, look at me. I'm so fat and disgusting, my boobs are sore... I don't even know how you can look at me. Kiss me again.
Don: Uh, S- Sally you're all over the map. What's going on?
Sally: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Pfft! Ha ha I'm gonna go to the fridge and get myself a brownie, and when I come back... [sadly] I want you to take it away from me.
Don: Oh, boy. I think I ate the last brownie.
Sally: [screams] No!