Mary: Hold on. Enough. I think my tongue has a Charley horse.
Evil Dick: Well, saddle up. We're going for another ride.
Mary: What is going on? Last time, you were so fast. Why don't we just get to it?
Evil Dick: "It"? What?
Mary: You know, it.
Evil Dick: Oh, it. You'll get it, all right. You'll get all of it that you want. It is on its way.

Sally: Come on, Dick. He's taking forever.
Evil Dick: Who's taking forever?
Sally: Toilet Duck.
Harry: He's tackling our stubborn buildup.

Sally: Okay, well, um... Uh... It's, uh... It's kind of involved. Um... [whispers to Evil Dick]
Evil Dick: Yeah? Eww. Really? No.
Sally: Hmm.
Evil Dick: And women like that?
Sally: They love it.
Evil Dick: And to think, all this time I was just walking around on them.

Dick: Hurry! We've got to get him out of here before Mary sees him.
Tommy: What are we going to do with him?
Harry: Ooh! Let's take him to the rambler and put him in the trunk, like they do on that show, Homicide.
Sally & Tommy: Homicide?
Harry: Life On the Street.

Evil Dick: Don't tire yourself out, Commander. I want you to witness the destruction my little device wreaks on the world you love so well.
Dick: What have you done to our toaster?
Evil Dick: It's not a toaster. It's an incubator. When I press this button, millions of spores will be released into the atmosphere, spawning a whole new race. A race of groveling drones. They will think alike and talk alike. At times, they'll even walk alike. And I will be father to them all.
Dick: What will happen to Mary?
Evil Dick: Oh, don't worry. I'm not using this on her. I'm going to take care of her personally. I'm going in there and putting my feet in her purse again and again and again.
Dick: You're insane! And not Gallagher insane, just insane!

Sally: You did it!
Dick: Oh, no, not just me, Lieutenant. I had a little help from my friends.
Sally: Oh, stop.
Dick: Ricki Lake, Jerry Springer, and Sally Jessy. Now listen up, everyone. I know that in the past I worried that we watch too much television. Well, all I can say is, god bless television and the many ways in which television enriches our lives. From now on, I order you to watch more television than ever before.
All: Aye, aye, sir!
Dick: Well, what are we waiting for? Tommy, call the Hut and get a pizza.
Tommy: Yes, sir!
Dick: Harry, warm up that television.
Harry: You got it.
Dick: And, Sally, go get yourself a decent pair of pants.
Sally: Thank you, sir.

[Harry walks out with his hair spiked and dyed green, a la Dennis Rodman]
Sally: Harry, is there something different about you? You've lost weight.
Harry: Nope.
Tommy: Is that a new shirt?
Harry: Nope.
Sally: Oh, wait! You shaved off your beard.
Harry: Nope. I never had one.
Sally: It's something.
Tommy: You got a haircut.
Harry: You're getting warmer.

Dick: Tommy, go get a hammer.
Sally: Nobody's getting a hammer.
Dick: Get a hammer. That's an order.
Sally: I'm sorry, sir, but you can't give us orders.
Dick: [stammers] Of all the insolent-
Sally: Dick you are no longer the High Commander. [Dick whimpers] Sorry but if we let you out of that box... Well, that's mutiny.
Tommy: Oh, mutiny shmutiny.
Harry: Big, fat dutiny.

Sally: Come on, Dick.
Dick: Oh, what does she see in him? Sure, he's gorgeous, but it's all part of his depraved scheme. How dare he! How dare she. Did what we have mean nothing to her? Wait. She thinks he's me. But he's going to get her because he's deceiving her. And she'll be his forever. In a way, mine. But she likes-- but he-- I oughta-- - but, she, I-
Tommy: Dick, hey, snap out of it! You have to take action.
Dick: You're right. I've got it! We're moving to Florida.
All: What?!
Dick: It's warm all the time. The land is cheap. And the fishing... bass as big as your arm.
Sally: [slaps Dick] We're not going anywhere. Now you listen to me. This afternoon when I was with Albright arranging this date-
Dick: You arranged this date?
Sally: Yeah, but the point is-
Dick: You set this up? What are you, his pimp?

Dick: [to Sally] I can't believe that you of all people-
Tommy: [slaps Dick] Dick, get a grip and listen to her for a second. The point is that I tried to talk her out of this date, but she wouldn't listen to me because - and don't ask me why - she has some sort of emotional attachment to you.
Dick: She said that?
Sally: She cares about you so much, she is upstairs about to have sex with another man.
Dick: She would do that for me?
Sally: If you don't stop her.
Dick: You're right. That tyrant has gone too far. I must defeat that man!
All: All right!
Harry: [slaps Dick] I should have done that earlier.