Mary: What's going on? Dick is acting strangely.
Tommy: Listen, Dr. Albright. Dick, he's got a lot of baggage. It's an internal struggle.
[Dick and Evil Dick continue fighting in the living room]
Mary: Oh, that poor thing. I didn't know.
Tommy: No, you couldn't know, 'cause he's been afraid. See, he's been lonely for such a long time. And as the years went by, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for what woman could ever learn to love a beast?

Dick: So what do we do now?
Mary: Well, it's been a long night, but why don't you just put your arm around me, and we'll look up at the stars?
Dick: The stars, yes. They look like lovers locked in a celestial embrace.
Mary: Why don't you just look at those trees?
Dick: The trees, they look like lovers, their limbs exploring and fondling each other.
Mary: How about we look at that couple in the window?
Dick: Wow! They're going at it like trees.

Evil Dick: Stay and witness my moment of glory as I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny.
Tommy: Wait, wait, wait. Even the men?
Evil Dick: Okay, not the men.
Sally: Not little girls?
Evil Dick: No, no, not them.
Tommy: Wait. What about elderly women?
Evil Dick: I don't think so.
Harry: What about women who are already pregnant?
Evil Dick: Oh, shut up, all of you!