Dick: Did you bring the holy water?
Harry: No.
Dick: Well, what's that?
Harry: Sanka.
Dick: Is it holy?
Harry: Well, I don't know. But it's definitely decaffeinated.
Dick: This is the High Commander. By the power vested in me by the Maxwell House Corporation, I command that you depart from this world and return to your source.

[Dick and Harry scream as two hands poke through the drywall]
Harry: Aah! Aah! Aah! It's the ghost of Mrs. Dubcek.
Mrs. Dubcek: Where have you been? I've been down here screaming for hours.
Dick: What are you doing down here?
Mrs. Dubcek: My lighter went down your vent, I went to look for it in the crawlspace, and I got stuck.
Harry: Oh. Well, what about the smoke and the electricity going out?
Mrs. Dubcek: I couldn't find my darn lighter, so I had to short out a 220 line to light my cigarette. That reminds me. I need a cigarette.

Harry: You know, in a way, every day is Halloween for us.
Sally: You mean because we hide behind these bodies, pretending to be something we're not?
Harry: Uh, yeah.

Dr. Howard: Dick, good to have you back. How are you doing?
Dick: Fine, doctor. I feel fine. My pulse is normal, blood pressure's fine. Looks like I'm good to go. Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Howard: Well, if you don't mind, Dick, I'd like to take a look myself. Now why don't you just open your mouth.
Dick: Mm-mmm.
Nina: Come on now, honey. Open up for the nice doctor.
Dr. Howard: Dick, I can't help you if you don't cooperate.
Dick: I don't know what you mean. I'm here. I'm disrobed. I've done everything you could reasonably expect. Now it's time for me to go. Good-bye.
Dr. Howard: Dick, your clothes!
Dick: Oh, keep 'em!

Harry: Who's that supposed to be?
Tommy: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.
Sally: I think the guy at the store made a mistake. All right, come on, guys, lock and load. We're going to Albright's.
Harry: Why? What for?
Sally: It's Halloween, Harry. And every little brat in Rutherford is hopped up higher than a kite on M&Ms. And from what I hear, Albright's house is ground zero for destruction.

Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, fudge. My lighter went down the air vent.
Harry: Oh, hey. Here, I got some matches.
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, that would get me through this pack, but what am I gonna do for the rest of the night?
Harry: Oh, chain smoke. Yeah.

Dick: Have you seen Dr. Albright?
Leon: Well, what is she dressed like?
Dick: Uh, Nancy Kassebaum, the former Republican senator from Kansas.
Bug: Uh, we haven't seen her.
Leon: Yeah, I would have noticed that.

Harry: Oh, no. Oh, no! Aah! Look out, Linus. The great pumpkin's right behind you. Oh, no, no. I can't take this. This is too scary for me. [turns TV off]
Voice: [o.s.] [wails] Help! Help me! [clanking]
Harry: Wait a second. If that's not coming from the TV, that can mean only one thing.
Voice: [o.s.] [wails] Oh!
Harry: No harm in watching a little TV. [turns TV on]

Sally: Okay, the way I see it, you put all the candy in the bowl you put the bowl out the door and you're through for the night. What do you think of that, Tommy?
Tommy: Yeah, I like it, considering I just suggested it a minute ago.
Sally: Don't sass me, private.

Girl: Trick or treat.
Sally: Oh, it's self-serve, honey. [closes door] [doorbell rings] [opens door] What?
Girl: Trick or treat.
Sally: I just told-- Hey, what happened to all the candy?
Girl: The pope took it.
Sally: Nice plan, Tommy.
Girl: Don't you have anything else?
Tommy: Uh, yeah. Give me a second.
Sally: So, uh... how are things?
Girl: Uh, pretty good.
Tommy: All right. Uh, here you go.
Girl: What is it?
Tommy: Half pound of hamburger meat.
Sally: Enjoy!
Kids: Trick or treat.
Girl: Don't bother. Alls they got left is beef. [an egg is thrown]
Sally: Hey! That better not have been the pope!
Tommy: That's it! You're toast, pontiff.