President Dewey: Sit down. Tell me what's on your mind.
Dick: President Dewey, a great injustice has been committed.
President Dewey: Oh? Have I been indicted?
Dick: Worse. I don't like my parking space.
President Dewey: Yes, that is troublesome.
Dick: I was thinking of something along the lines of G-34.
President Dewey: Now, that's a good spot. I like that spot. And you're a good man. I like you. What's on your mind?
Dick: Well... the space.
President Dewey: Oh, sorry. That's for tenured personnel only.
Dick: Then I order you to give me an even closer spot.

President Dewey: Dick, I'm gonna do you a favor.
Dick: You're giving me the space?
President Dewey: No, I'm gonna tell you a story.
Dick: Can't you see I'm upset?
President Dewey: You're right, I'm going to let you do whatever you think is right.
Dick: Well, then, I-- I'm going to take the space.
President Dewey: Sorry, no can do. Cigar?
Dick: I'm warning you, either you give me that space or I quit!
President Dewey: Ah, I understand. What space are you in now?
Dick: X-17. Why?
President Dewey: 'Cause I'm giving that to my secretary. Bye, Dick.

Man: All right, for starters, looks like the storm knocked off some shingles. You lose anything else?
Mrs. Dubcek: I don't know. Like what?
Man: Did you have any gutters?
Mrs. Dubcek: No.
Man: Screens?
Mrs. Dubcek: No.
Man: Antennas?
Mrs. Dubcek: No.
Man: Direct satellite TV?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yes.

Harry: Um, excuse me. Um, is this 417 Pensdale Road?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah.
Harry: Are you my wife?
Mrs. Dubcek: No.
Harry: Ah. Good.

Mary: You've got to be kidding.
Dick: Nope. I did it. Walked off the job, stuck it to the man, told him to kiss my hairy polenta. Bye now!
Nina: You can't be serious.
Dick: I couldn't be more serious. Now, please, pass me Mr. Potato man.
Mary: Why are you doing this?
Dick: Because it's not fair.
Mary: Well, life isn't fair.
Dick: You could remedy that, Mary, by giving me the space.
Mary: Well, that wouldn't be fair to me.
Dick: Well, life isn't fair. You said so yourself.
Mary: Let it go, Dick.

Harry: Thank you for seeing me, father. I didn't know where else to turn.
Father Rice: Well, that's why they pay me the big bucks, you know?
Harry: Father, if someone - say, a family member - had helped you, cared for you, given you shelter, and you knew something terrible about them, it'd be okay to turn them over to the authorities for dissection, wouldn't it?
Father Rice: Are they dangerous?
Harry: Yes... No... I don't know! I'm so alone and confused!
Father Rice: You are not alone. There's someone up there who's watching over everything you do at all times.
Harry: There is?
Father Rice: Mm-hmm.
Harry: Is this person called the Big Giant Head?
Father Rice: He goes by many names.
Harry: And you know him?
Father Rice: Know him? I work for him. [laughs]
Harry: I see. Well, thank you for your time. [exits] Oh, my God! They're everywhere!

Tommy: We're out of cereal. We're out of milk.
Sally: We're out of money.
Dick: No milk? What am I gonna use in my coffee?
Sally: No problem. We're out of coffee too.
Tommy: Harry keeps drinking it. It's like he's afraid to go to sleep.
Dick: Harry? Harry, come in here. Are you feeling all right?
Harry: Fine.I'm fine. When I'm fine, I'm fine. How are you? 'Cause I'm fine.
Dick: Tommy, go tuck Harry in bed. See that he gets some sleep.
Harry: [yelps] No! No, no. No, I'm fine.

Dick: [on the phone] Well, I don't know if I could come back to the university. No. Well, I am deeply hurt. I don't care how much you beg. I am not coming back. [As Dick moves away from the table, the unplugged telephone cord trails with him] No. No. Well, to be honest, I'm entertaining some very interesting offers even as we speak.

Mary: So this is where the great minds of Rutherford go when they're feeling underappreciated?
Dick: Hello, Mary.
Mary: Hello, Dick. I see they've got you back behind the register.
Dick: No, I'm just covering for Maurice. He's out back having a smoke.
Mary: A man of your brilliance quitting his job over a stupid parking space!
Dick: If it's so stupid, why don't you give it to me?
Mary: Never.
Dick: Ah-ha! So you admit it's important.
Mary: I admit nothing.

Mary: Give me a Rusty dog, no onions. [Dougy clears his throat]
Dick: Would you like a fried pie with that?
Mary: Yes.
Dick: No, Mary, don't do it!
Mary: Give me the pie.
Dick: Mary, you have your whole life ahead of you!