Tommy: Hey, guys. Look what I found in the basement. Hogans, eh?
Dick: Tommy, you can't be serious.
Tommy: Well, actually, Dick, I've been thinking about it for a while. And, you know, uh, this was never my dream job.
Sally: So are you gonna go back to the home planet?
Tommy: Nah. So drafty there. There's that film in the air, you know. I like it on earth. There's, uh, women, gravity. It's nice. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to the park. Feed some ducks.

Dick: Oh, Harry. I need some information.
Harry: Well, I got information!
Dick: What?
Harry: On this day in rock 'n' roll history, The Who-
Dick: Enough information! Harry, I need you to do something for me.
Harry: I'll tell you where The Who went and why.
Dick: No!

Don: It's, uh... it's another case. Uh, a robbery.
Sally: What did the guy steal, Don?
Don: Uh, money. Money from a beautiful bank teller - not you. She was--she was folding this stack of bills because she's a- a teller, ya see.
Sally: Yeah, I got it. She's a teller.
Don: And, uh, so when she turned her back from the bills, he just had to touch 'em.
Sally: Why did he do that, Don?
Don: Because he wanted to be near her, vicariously, you know? And when she came back, he was so ashamed, that he just shoved the underwear in his pocket. The money! The money! He shoved the money in his underwear. In his pocket!
Sally: What are ya gonna do to him, Don?
Don: I- I- I- I don't know. I mean, it's an honest mistake. What do you think we should do about that?
Sally: Well, you know me, Don.
Don: Yeah?
Sally: I would, uh, string him up by his feet and bust his face in with a chain.
Don: That's an option.

Sally: I can't believe you, of all people, would come into my house and do something so damn swell!
Don: What?
Sally: I thought we were on the outs, and then you go and do something so crazy and brave and really sweet!
Don: You know we're talking underpants here.
Sally: Here, Don. Keep 'em. And when you look at 'em, think of me.
Don: Okay.
Sally: Oh, here! Take the bra! It's a matching set, so...
Don: God bless you!

Dick: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the golden tonsils of Marlena Albrecht.
Mary: [songs] There's a somebody I'm longing to see I hope that he Turns out to be Someone who'll watch Over me
Dick: Oh, Mary! [Mary laughs] I'm so proud of you! You did make the right choice.

Harry: Hey, what's the matter, Tommy?
Tommy: I have to write a 20-page history paper by tomorrow.
Harry: Oh, that's tough.
Tommy: Oh! Oh! And on top of that, George Capisorros was waiting for me after school to beat me up 'cause I wouldn't let him cheat off my algebra test.
Harry: Whoa. So what did you do, hop the fence and run home?
Tommy: No. I kicked his ass, but, I mean, that's not the point. I shouldn't have to do that.

Dick: Harry, forget memorizing it. Just listen to me, all right? I need you to find a place where Mary can sing her little heart out. I don't care how many toes you have to step on or how many arms you have to twist. You must not take no for an answer. Mary performs Saturday night! Have you got that? Harry?
Harry: Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinkin' about cake.

Sally: Wow. So this is where they store all the old people.
Dick: You know, I like this place. Some guy out there just called me "son."

Dick: Who's Bess?
Tommy: Well, she's my ticket in here. Anytime someone asks, I just say I'm visiting my great aunt Bess.
Sally: Where do you sleep?
Tommy: Well, there's a couple of empty rooms. And if anyone hassles me, I just say I'm staying over to help my great aunt Bess.

Dick: Oh, Nina, how's my guest list coming for Saturday night?
Nina: Uh, Judith can't make it, Dr. Suiter can't make it, and Dr. Strudwick is flying to Philadelphia.
Dick: Well, at least you'll be there.
Nina: Well, actually, I'm driving Dr. Strudwick to the airport.
Dick: No!
Nina: If he'll let me.