‘Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man’
Season 3, Episode 18 - Aired February 25, 1998
Tommy is fed up of living like a teenager so he quits the mission and spends his days at a retirement home. Meanwhile, Dick encourages Mary to show off her singing talent, and Don accidentally takes a pair of Sally's underwear.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Oh, uh, say, Mary. Have you ever heard of a little place called The Stonehouse?
Mary: You mean that rat hole by the highway that burned down last year?
Dick: Well, they've rebuilt it.
Mary: Yeah, and then the health department came in and closed it down.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, that's the one. How would you like to go to dinner there some time?
Mary: Are you serious?!
Dick: I read a review that said the food is unimaginative but fair. Tempted?
Mary: A little.
Quote from Dick
Mary: Oh, they have live music! Dick, that's neat.
Dick: Excuse me just a moment. [into microphone] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to bring up a young singer who's making her Stonehouse debut.
Mary: No, no, no, no, no...
Dick: Will you please put your hands together for the one, the only Marlena Albrecht!
[After a curtain opens to reveal a picture Dick took of Mary eating a sandwich, Mary storms out]
Dick: Wasn't she wonderful, ladies and gentlemen? Thank you and good night!
Quote from Don
Sally: I didn't expect to see you. You've made it pretty clear you don't want to be around me.
Don: Sally, that's crazy!
Sally: But you've been so cold!
Don: Sally, I'm full of guilt! And it's eatin' at my insides like a bellyful of sharks!
Sally: Have you tried belching?
Don: Sally, sometimes I wish I could take my brain out of my head and run it under the tap. Sally, I stole your underpants!
Sally: Don, if you needed underpants, you could have just asked!
Don: I didn't need underpants, Sally! I took 'em because I'm weak, because I'm pathetic, because I'm a man. And I couldn't resist touching something that had been so close to you.
Sally: Really?
Don: I'm so sorry.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Well, well, well, if it isn't Ed Sullivan.
Dick: What happened last night?
Mary: What happened?!
Dick: I was just trying to give you something you never had.
Mary: An aneurysm?
Quote from Sally
Dick: [talks loudly] Tommy, we're gonna go out on the roof to talk. Do you want to have the television on?
Tommy: No. I'll just come.
Dick: No, no. It's mission stuff. You sit down.
Sally: Look! Wheel of Fortune's on! That's one of your programs.
Quote from Sally
Dick: You know, I learned something today.
Sally: What?
Dick: Every human being has dreams, but it takes real wisdom to know which ones to chase and which ones to let go. I mean, look at Mary.
Sally: I'd rather not.