Tommy: Don't you think it was cool when that thing's tongue split open and strangled those eight army guys?
Dick: Okay, that was cool.
Sally: Yeah.
Dick: But only that, and only because it made me scream like a little girl.
Tommy: Dick, they have to make the aliens scary. That's entertainment.
Dick: Sucking the brains out of all those zoo animals is not entertainment.

Dick: What am I going to do? Mary, she's already seen this movie.
Sally: So? She doesn't know you're an alien. Does she?
Dick: Oh, please.
Sally: Does she?
Dick: I said, "Oh, please." Isn't that enough?
Sally & Tommy: Does she?
Dick: No!

Sally: All right, all right, okay. Let's just start over.
Dick: Hello, Mary.
Sally: [imitates Mary] Dick! I can't kiss you today because I've got the flu.
Dick: As do I. Mary, I am an alien.
[Sally screams and fakes passing out]
Tommy: She's dead!
Harry: You killed her, you alien bastard! Why? Why?!

Dick: This is nonsense! I'm going to tell her.
Tommy: You're going to get us all killed.
Dick: I'm only telling one person.
Sally: Sir, as security officer, I forbid it.
Dick: And, as High Commander, I have to say tough toenails, Lieutenant.
Sally: Fine. Let it be on your head.
Tommy: Which is going to be sitting next to ours on a tray somewhere in New Mexico.

Sally: I am telling you, humans cannot handle this kind of information.
Dick: Mary can. I just have to find the right setting, the right atmosphere where the elegant beauty of our magnificent surroundings help her to embrace the truth and me.
Harry: They're having a sci-fi convention in Cleveland.
Dick: Perfect! Pack your bags, kids. We're going on a road trip.
Harry: Sweet.

Mary: I may be wild, but I'm not going to bite.
Dick: And neither will I, and that's the whole point. There will be no biting, no bloodletting, no cranial explosions.
Mary: What's with you?
Dick: All right, Mary, you've sniffed me out. I brought you here under the guise of a romantic holiday to tell you something about myself. This is very difficult. I- I don't want you to judge me.
Mary: I never judge you. [off Dick's look] Sometimes I do. Often. Always. I'll try not to this time.
Dick: Mary, before I met you, I was completely different. I was far, far away from here. And ever since I left that place, I've been fighting so hard to fit in. And if ever anyone found out, I'd have to go back because I could never live in this world any longer.
Mary: Oh, Dick, were you in a... clinic?
Dick: Clinic?
Mary: It's okay. So was I. Oh! [hugs Dick]

Sally: I'll meet you guys in the lobby. I'm going to go make sure Dick hasn't blown our cover.
Tommy: Sally, there's a note for you on the door.
Sally: "Please make up room." All right, I'll do it when we get back.

Mary: I've never told anyone this before, but when I was a little girl -9, 10... 17 - I was fat.
Dick: How fat?
Mary: Fat enough that everybody made fun of me.
Dick: Fat as a cow? Is that how fat?
Mary: That's not important.
Dick: Oh, no, right, sorry. You go on.
Mary: Anyway, instead of reaching out for help, I turned inward and became bitter and disillusioned with the world around me.
Dick: 300 pounds? 400...
Mary: Dick!

Dick: I was this close to pouring my heart out.
Sally: Then I arrived in time.
Dick: She just told me one of her deepest secrets. She used to be fat.
Sally: Fat as a cow?
Dick: That's not the point.
Sally: The point is, she can't keep a secret. I mean, you tell her, the next thing you know, the Air Force has sealed off the neighborhood.
Dick: That's a risk I'm willing to take.
Sally: How about this one? You tell her you're an alien, and she freaks out, runs away, and you never see her again, ever.
Dick: Oh. Well, in my scenario, she comes running into my arms.
Sally: Well, that's just a risk you're going to have to take... alien.

Frank: Good morning, Mr. Takei.
George Takei: Good morning. I'm checking out.
Frank: Oh, of course. Here's your bill, sir.
George Takei: $3,000? Well, that's all right. I can afford it. I'm a famous actor. [chuckles]
Frank: I'm sorry. That's $30,000, Mr. Takei.
George Takei: Oh, my.