Dick: I've heard enough. Get in the car. We're ditching this woman.
Sally: We can't do that.
Dick: Well, of course we can. I'll just put it in drive, and we'll fly like the wind!
Sally: Tommy. Tell him.
Tommy: She is the Big Giant Head's niece.
Dick: Well... so what? What's the worst thing that can happen if we leave her here?
Tommy: Big giant court-martials.
Sally: Followed by big giant executions.
Harry: And then 4 tiny little funerals.
Dick: I don't care. I've chosen love over death before.
Sally: Yeah, well, I haven't. Janet, get in the car!

Janet: Oh, it's our first home. I love it! Where's our bedroom?
Dick: Oh, no, no, uh, that won't be necessary.
Janet: No! I want to be the best wife ever.
Dick: Well, uh, good luck to you. Bye, now.
Janet: No, don't fight it, sweetie. Let me love you. Where's our boudoir?
Dick: Oh, oh, oh, well, uh... uh... long story short, we don't have one.
Janet: Ok, then. [pulls Dick down to the floor]
Dick: Whoa! Uh! Oh! Oh! Ok! That was fun, and you were good. I was amazing. We're done. Now go enjoy a sandwich.
Janet: Ok, then!
Harry: [to Dick] Spank me.

Dick: You know this whole thing where I'm supposed to be your husband and you're supposed to be my wife?
Janet: Of course.
Dick: Well, it's never gonna work out. And the sooner we face up to that, the happier we'll be. There now. Don't you feel better?
Janet: [crying] What's happening? I'm all wet!
Dick: No, stop. Don't do that. No, stop! Stop!
Janet: I'm leaking!
Dick: Sally!
Sally: Oh, it's fine, honey. It's normal. Go dry your eyes, and we'll shop for shoes, ok, honey?

Sally: You cannot talk to her like that. We'll all get incinerated!
Dick: Well, I think we all love Mary enough to make that sacrifice. Am I right?
All: No!
Dick: We- We- Well, I do. Oh, my God! What are these?
Harry: Pancakes.
Tommy: Janet's pancakes.
Dick: These are pancakes? I thought pancakes were-
Sally: Me, too! Okay?!

Mary: Hey, Dick.
Dick: It's not what it looks like!
Mary: It looks wonderful! I've never seen you bring your lunch in a picnic basket before.
Dick: Well, I've never seen you in a thong bikini before, but there's a first time for everything, right?
Mary: No. What did you make?
Dick: What did I make? W-w-well, that's a- an easy enough, uh, question to answer. I'll just, uh, open it up and show you. Peppered duck pate and wheat crackers. Uh, Thai noodles. Homemade chocolate-chunk cookies. [gasps] Oh!
Mary: A flower?
Dick: Well, what's wrong with your fiance bringing you a flower?
Mary: Oh, that's sweet.

Dick: I'm sorry, Mary. I know that, uh, lately I-I've been acting a little strange.
Mary: Lately?
Dick: Okay, for the last few minutes. But I'm going to make it up to you. Nina!
Nina: Yes?
Dick: Will you make a reservation for two tonight at [French accent] La Petite Orange?
Mary: [French accent] La Petite Orange?
Dick: Oui.
Nina: What did he do?
Mary: Nothing.
Nina: Oh, yeah, he did something, all right.
Dick: [sputters] [normal voice] All I've done is to love Mary more than any other woman in this world. No matter how good their pancakes are.

Janet: Oh, Dick! Can we do this?
Dick: Oh! No! Mrs. Dubcek, what are you doing here?
Mrs. Dubcek: I'm talking to your... [winks] wife.
Dick: Well, I think you two have talked long enough. Janet, please. I can get into my pajamas in my own time.
Janet: Yes, dear.
Mrs. Dubcek: You know, a woman doesn't have to pretend that she's your wife to sleep over, unless that's what spikes your punch.

Dick: Janet, get off me, and go make me an English muffin pizza.
Janet: Yes, my little kreplach!

[dream sequence:]
Dick: Oh, come on. You got to go back to the home planet. What's so bad about that?
Tommy: Oh, nothing. Except when you pass too close to a quasar and this happens!
Dick: Oh, my god! You've turned into a woman!
Tommy: Well, not everywhere. As if showering in gym class wasn't traumatic enough. Thank you very much.