Dick: Excuse me. Sir, could you give me some directions?
Richard Belzer: You must be from out of town.
Dick: No, no. I breathe New York. I know this island like the back of my hand.
Richard Belzer: Then why do you need directions?
Dick: No, I meant, do you need directions? I am so sick of people coming in from out of town and not knowing how to get to the courthouse!
Richard Belzer: Are you sure you're from this planet? Taxi.

Dick: Listen, Tommy, I'm due in court, and I don't know how to get to the courthouse.
Tommy: I got to go to work too. You can share my cab. If you got time, I'll show you where the peepshows moved after they cleaned up Times Square.
Dick: Tommy, I am an attorney! But, yeah, all right.

Tommy: Tracy! What's up, man? Hey, can we talk for a second?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah. Hey, listen, um, Tommy, man, I don't need to study these lines, man. You know what I'm saying? That works for you, right? But me? All I got to do is cultivate that little "Oops, I messed up" giggle. [giggles] Then America's gonna be loving me too, so what's up?
Tommy: Look, I know it's been a little weird between us recently, what with me getting all the attention and you sort of shoved into the background.
Tracy Morgan: It does seem a little unfair, you know? 'Cause I been here since '97. You know what I'm saying? And you been here, what, a month?
Tommy: But it doesn't matter what they think out there. What matters is that Saturday Night Live is an ensemble piece. You understand?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah, you know I always felt that way, you know? I guess I'm a big sucker, huh?
Tommy: No! No! It is still an ensemble piece. We are all equal, and we are gonna maintain that tradition. Are you with me there?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah.
Tommy: Good.
Tracy Morgan: Tommy, I'm with you.
Tommy: All right. Good. Let's rehearse. Put on the hamburger head.

Sally: Don! You're here. I can't believe it.
Don: Yeah, finally. Crosstown traffic was a bitch. [on phone] Jeffrey. Yeah? It's me. Close 5th Avenue and the bridge. Oh, and tell Puff Daddy I'm gonna be late for lunch. [hangs up]
Sally: Don, you're so different.
Don: How do you mean?
Sally: Oh, nothing. I'm just - pff - a little overwhelmed. I mean, I thought you were hot in a uniform, but this is way better.
Don: When I was in uniform? I've never worn a uniform in my life.
Sally: Oh, no, I know that. I just meant like, you know, your tie and suit. Although you wear the- You don't wear the same thing every day, so it's not a unif-
Don: Sally, are you going nuts on me? Listen. I want a girlfriend. I don't want a nut. I want a nut, I go to the nut store.

Sally: Okay, let me give you a little piece of advice. You only have yourself to blame for being miserable.
Dick: I can't help it. I'm having a real problem with this whole experience. It's so... So superficial.
Sally: Oh, God.
Dick: No, I miss Mary. I miss love. Love is real.
Sally: No, sex is real with or without love.
Dick: Granted, sex without love has its place - usually at a party under a pile of coats - but life without true love is completely meaningless.
Sally: Okay, Dick, we're in New York. Why don't you just lighten up?
Dick: I don't want to lighten up. Why is it that we need to constantly distract ourselves from life's deeper concerns?
Sally: Oh, my God, look at those shoes.
Dick: Terrific, I'm talking philosophy with Ivana Trump.

Dick: Leon, what are you doing here?
Leon: I work here, buddy.
Dick: Shouldn't you be in class?
Leon: Eh, school's off. It's a national holiday. It's Sammy "The Bull" Gravano's birthday!

Dick: Oh, I don't want another song, Mary. I just want to talk.
Mary: Mary? No one calls me Mary anymore. My stage name is Kiki Li.
Dick: So... you're an actress in New York City? That's wonderful!
Mary: Well, I'm between jobs at the moment. Fourteen years in between.
Dick: Well, I guess it's good to rest up.
Mary: You know, a girl comes to New York City willing to do anything to become a star, and once she's done all those things and she's still not a star, what's left?
Dick: It doesn't matter that you're not famous. I like you just the way you are. Dressed like a slut.
Mary: Watch your language.
Dick: I'm sorry.
Mary: Oh, I've been called a lot worse and the tip was a lot smaller.

Mary: But, hey, I'm bringing the party down. This is a party, isn't it, handsome?
Dick: Oh, yes. Yes, it's a party, all right, because I've finally found you.
Mary: Yeah. Let's have fun. Fun is fun, right?
Dick: I'm a lawyer.

Ana Gasteyer: Lorne? Oh, hi, Tommy. This is a surprise. What are you doing at Lorne Michaels' desk, sweetie?
Tommy: Well, Ana, I wanted to talk to you alone, so I sent Lorne out to get me a latte.
Ana Gasteyer: Oh.
Tommy: Listen. I don't think we can see each other anymore.
Ana Gasteyer: Oh, this is so sudden. I mean, I thought we made such a great couple.
Tommy: Well, I thought so too at first.
Ana Gasteyer: What do you mean at first? We've only been going out a week.
Tommy: Yes, but in that week my career has exploded. I just think that my fans would prefer to see me unattached.
Ana Gasteyer: Yeah. I understand. But, um, I'm not gonna lie to you. This really hurts. And I don't want it ever said that Ana Gasteyer kept Tommy Solomon locked up in a cage. I let him run free in the wild like the bird he always longed to be.
Tommy: Okay. Well, that was a mixed metaphor, but I'll take it. Thanks, Ana. Hey... thanks for not crying. There's a pro. [winks] Love ya.
Ana Gasteyer: You do?
Tommy: No, not like that.

Sally: You know, it has been so great for me and Don too. Having sex with a mayor is incredible, you guys.