Harry: Whoa! Check it out, Sally. You write a column for the newspaper.
Sally: Oh, my God! And I'm hotter here, if that's possible. Look. "The two-hour orgasm." I wrote that.
Harry: Nice.
Sally: I got to get cracking on tomorrow's column, baby.

Dick: Hello. Is this where I'm supposed to be?
Nina: It's about time, counselor.
Dick: Nina!
Nina: [bangs gavel] You will address me with the proper respect. I am the Honorable Judge Campbell.
Dick: You go, girlfriend! [Nina bangs gavel]

Nina: Counselor, kindly proceed with your summation.
Dick: Eh, with my what? Oh, uh... right, with my summation. [pauses] We sit here in this court of law, we, with our fragile sense of right and wrong. It's so easy to play judge and jury, especially when you are a judge and a jury.
Bug: Get on with it, counselor.
Dick: By all means, Your Honor. Now, I could poke holes in the prosecution's argument, but I won't. That's cheap. Now, I'm not here to ask you for an acquittal, and I'm not here to ask you to listen to your conscience, no. I am only here to demand that you recognize that I am the most brilliant trial lawyer that you have ever seen. And I thank you. [applause]
Bailiff: He's done it again!

Nina: Counselor!
Dick: Your Honor, may I approach the bench? Do you happen to know a, uh, Mary Albright?
Nina: Is this another witness you're planning on calling?
Dick: Could be. Are you buddies with her?
Nina: Get out!

Sally: Ooh, New York is so fantastic. I have the coolest job. Don's here. Plus, he's mayor. I've never been happier.
Dick: Well, that sounds wonderful. I'm thrilled for you. Seriously. Thrilled.
Sally: Are you really?
Dick: No! What are you, crazy? I'm depressed. I want to go home. I haven't found Mary yet.
Sally: Oh, you'll find her.
Dick: No, I've looked everywhere. I've checked the faculties at NYU and Columbia. I even tried the Staten Island Academy of Beauty. No Mary Albright. Although they almost talked me into their $4 perm.
Sally: Look, Dick, why don't you just try to find somebody else?
Dick: I looked, but $4 is a very competitive price for a perm.

Strudwick: Are you Solomon?
Dick: Strudwick!
Strudwick: Yes. Father Strudwick. I'm the one who called you.
Dick: Father Strudwick? You mean you're a priest? [chuckles]
Strudwick: I need your help. I've been accused of embezzling donations.
Dick: You thief! You horrible, horrible pilferer!

Mary: Applause is nice, but it doesn't buy the groceries. You can tip the performers if you want.
Dick: Oh, yeah, here. I will.
Mary: $100? I don't care what you've heard. This will only buy you... another song.

Dick: I can't believe how quickly Mary warmed to me. It's so easy to talk to her. So easy to ask her out. She's much easier here than in Rutherford.
Tommy: If that's possible.
Harry: I see what you did there.
Sally: You are the professional funnyman!

Dick: Well, what do we do when we're feeling bored?
Sally: Whine?
Harry: Squirm?
Dick: No, we take out the Solomon family rainy-day fun book.
Sally: Oh, yeah.
Harry: Oh, yeah. I forgot we had that.
Dick: Let's have a look, shall we? We can come up with an idea for something fun to do. Now, let's see. We've done video arcades, airport bar, Shetland pony rides.
Harry: Tiny horses.
Sally: That was so cool.
Harry: Yeah. It's fun to read this book. Is reading this book in this book?
Dick: Yes, but stop interrupting.

Dick: Now, here's two things we haven't experienced. Visit a parallel universe or rent go-karts.
Sally: Wait. Visit a parallel universe? How is that possible?
Dick: Simple. We just use the time/space portal in the closet.
Harry: Okay, here's my concern. Do they get angry if you drive the go-karts off the track?
Sally: Wait. So you mean to tell me that we are living another existence in another place?
Dick: Actually, Sally, everyone exists in every possible place at every possible time.
Harry: W-w-wait a second. That means that somewhere right now I'm driving go-karts. All right.