Aunt Sylvia: [o.s.] Audrey made her famous ambrosia. You better hurry, it's gonna go.
Harry: Sweet woman, that Sylvia.
Uncle Abe: Yeah, sweet. But dumb as a doorknob. And don't even get me started with her kids.
Harry: Mmm. Rocket scientists, huh?
Uncle Abe: Oh, you got it, pal.
Harry: Well, doorknobs beget doorknobs. [both chuckle] [hacking in unison]

Janine: What are you doing?
Tommy: Making my move.
Janine: Tommy, we can't do that. We're, like, cousins.
Tommy: Oh, yeah. About that, see the thing is, that's not really illegal or anything. It's just taboo.
Janine: Oh, my god! I'm, like, so creeped out.
Tommy: Wait, wait. We're very distant cousins. You have no idea how distant we are. Distant!

Tommy: Why don't we just admit to them that we're impostors?
Sally: Yeah, right. You just want us to come clean so you can go suck face with your cousin.
Tommy: Yeah, well, at least I haven't deluded myself into thinking I have a sister.
Sally: Hey, you leave Missy out of this.

Mary: I'm curious. Does this family have a history of mental illness?
Aunt Florence: Well, there is a touch of dementia on my father's side.
Mary: Oh, that explains a few things.

Dick: Oh, that's right. That's right! Hide behind her apron strings.
Aunt Florence: Oh, please, Richard. You're acting just like your father.
Dick: Damn straight, Aunt Florence! Damn straight!

Uncle Abe: Look, I'm tellin' ya.
Harry: I heard ya.
Uncle Abe: Fah! You should be so lucky.
Harry: Ah! I should live so long.
Uncle Abe: Brauggghh!
Harry: Yaaah-aggh!

Tommy: Janine, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.
Janine: I know. I've been avoiding you.
Tommy: No, you don't understand. See, it's okay if we kiss because we're not related.
Janine: What are you talking about?
Tommy: You know, 'cause you're adopted.
Janine: Adopted? [nervous laugh] No. No way. No, I'm not.
Tommy: Yeah, sure you are. Everybody knows it. So, uh... you wanna make out?
Janine: Mom!
Tommy: Yeah. You just confirm it with your mother and, uh, get back to me.

Harry: Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell's the matter with you people? You know what? I got a little news flash for ya.
Dick, Jacob, both your fathers were world-class pains in the ass. And you know what I admire about 'em? They're both dead! And right now, I wish I was with 'em.
Uncle Abe: Amen to that!
Harry: Forty-three years later, you two morons are still carrying on the same grudge?! Give it a rest! What, you don't like each other? Boo-hoo! Suck it up. You're family! Don't get me started.
Dick: Harry, you are so right. This time last week I didn't even have a family. And now here I am, ready to reject you all just because you don't meet my stupid expectations.
Jacob: Yeah, you guys have both got a point. This family's been split up too long. In fact, I don't even remember why anymore. Dick, you may not be my kind of guy, but you're a Solomon. And there's not much I can do about that.
Dick: Same here, Jacob. You may be kind of creepy, but you're family.
Jacob: Cousin?
Dick: Cousin.
Harry: Well, that's more like it.

Uncle Abe: Harry.
Harry: Abe.
Uncle Abe: I want you to have these.
Harry: Oh, that's so nice. Aw, I'm gonna miss you, uncle Abe.
Uncle Abe: Oh, don't get me started with that emotional crap.
Harry: [sobs] It's too late! I've already started!