Harry: Uh, well, we brought you this. It goes great with steak. At least it did last night.
Uncle Abe: You cheap bastard, you'll fit right in around here.
Harry: Bunch of tightwads?
Uncle Abe: Tightwads? Don't even get me started with this family. Come here.

Dick: Oh, this is so great. I just opened my arms, and I'm hugged and kissed and pinched by all sorts of people. There isn't even a cover charge.

Dick: Oh, Mary, the oddest thing just happened. I think one of my relatives told me off.
Mary: Was it Jacob?
Dick: How did you know that?
Mary: Dick, how much did your father tell you about what happened between him and the family?
Dick: Not a lot. H- He lost his mouth in the war.

Mary: You better sit down. Dick, when your father fell in love with your mother, she had just arrived from Lithuania. She was poor, she didn't speak any English. The family didn't approve of her.
Dick: Mommy?
Mary: Anyway... your father was forced to choose between her and the family, and he chose her.
Dick: Daddy?
Mary: So the family disowned him, and it was Jacob's father who cut him out of the family furniture business.
Dick: Cast out onto the street by his own flesh and blood? My god, Mary. My family is despicable.
Mary: Ah, you get used to it.

Sally: So they gave your mom and dad the boot, huh?
Dick: Sally, it's our mom and dad.
Tommy: It's nobody's mom and dad!
Dick: I can't believe that our family would do anything so heartless.
Harry: [gravely] Don't even get me started on this family. Roger's a drunk. Darren hasn't paid taxes since the Eisenhower administration. Cousin Marty's got his own website: nakedmarty.com.

Jacob: Look, Dick, your father left this family, and my father was right to cut him out of the business. As far as I'm concerned, you're not entitled to a penny.
Dick: You think I want money?!
Jacob: Well, by the looks of that car you arrived in, I wouldn't be surprised.
Dick: I will have you know that I'm qualified for platinum status! So I'd zip it if I were you!

Tommy: Man, I can't catch a break. I finally meet a hot girl who likes me, and she turns out to be my cousin?!
Harry: [gravely] Well, happens to a lot of guys, kiddo.
Tommy: [sighs] Janine.
Harry: Wait a second. Janine Solomon?
Tommy: Yeah.
Harry: Well, this is your lucky day. Uncle Abe told me she's adopted.
Tommy: Adopted? Are you sure?
Harry: Oh, don't even get me started on her father's low sperm count.
Tommy: Harry, I could kiss you! [runs off]
Harry: Well, he's a good kid. Horny, but good.

Michelle: Hey, Sally, can I tell you a secret?
Sally: Sure, Missy. Of course you can.
Michelle: I'm a virgin.
Sally: Wow.
Michelle: I know.
Sally: Really? Wow. I remember what those days were like, you know. Feeling like I was the only person on earth who hadn't had sex. Wondering what it was gonna be like.
Michelle: When did you lose your virginity?
Sally: Ah, a couple of weeks ago.

Dick: No, I can't smile! I have nothing to smile about! I hate this family!
Janine: Right back at ya, Dick!
Dick: And I so wanted to be proud of you. [bitterly] My family. You were supposed to give me warmth and unending love. Instead you give me a punch in the gut and a cold tuna melt! Well, I've had it! And so I take my leave of this hellhouse just like my father before me!
Janine: Bye-bye now. I'd pack you a doggy bag, but I saw her stuffing the hors d'oeuvres into her pockets.
Sally: Don't flatter yourself. It was the silverware.

Tommy: [on the phone] Janine, hi. It's Tommy. Uh, from the reunion? Right, yeah, the one who told you you were adopted, right. Anyway. Say, uh, you wanna go out on Sunday? Oh, meeting your birth mother, huh? Well, listen, can it wait? You know, it's been 16 years . What's another day, right? Uh, well, maybe I could come, you know? We could catch a movie, swing by your birth mom's. Hello? Hello? Hel-- Oh, man. Got cut off.