Dick: I just wish Sally had some woman friends to turn to.
Mary: Are you asking for my help?
Dick: Are you offering it?
Mary: How can I be offering if I don't know what you're asking?
Dick: Well, why would I ask? I don't need help.
Mary: Fine, then I'm not offering.
Dick: Fine with me.
Mary: You can't say it, can you?
Dick: Help me! I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see her like this.
Mary: There, that wasn't so hard.
Dick: Then you'll help her?
Mary: No.

Dick: Put yourself in her position, you go out on a date, you have a wonderful time, various arousing stimuli fly back and forth across the table, and then he doesn't call. How would you repair yourself?
Mary: I'd get good and toasted and call him filthy names.
Dick: Yes, great. Now go and do that with Sally.
Nina: You're buying.
Dick: Of course. [hands Nina a note]
Mary: Oh, she's way more upset than that. [Dick hands over more money]

Mary: Oh, come on, Sally. I know you're in a lot of pain, but holding it in isn't going to do you any good. You've got to let it out. Come on, open up.
Sally: [screams] That really helped.
Nina: This can't be the first bad date you've ever had.
Sally: Well... a couple of years ago, a friend set me up, and my date turned out to be this giant, slimy yolk sac.
Nina: Yeah, I've been there.
Mary: [laughs] Who hasn't?

Tommy: I've got a better idea. We can do what the guy downstairs does with his son. They watch TV for 18 hours a day.
Dick: Yes, it's the classic male-bonding ritual.
Harry: Oh, look, Monday Night Football.
All: All right!
Dick: What is it?

Dick: Hasn't tonight been great? Just us boys drinking beer, yelling like idiots, emitting various gasses.

Dick: I think he's just jealous because I've done so much better than he has.
Teacher: Dr. Solomon, nobody ever said being a father is easy.
Dick: You're telling me. Some of you must have children, as frightening as that thought is. I mean, what do you do?
Mr. Kersey: You need to set a good example for your son to live up to.
Dick: Since when did my son become my responsibility? I mean, you're the ones who are falling down on the job. You're supposed to be educating him. Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival. One day you're going to have to find someone to pull your collective butts out of the cosmic pliers, and all you'll have to pick from is a bunch of rope climbers!
Teacher: Dr. Solomon, I think you're avoiding the real problem: the home environment.
Dick: Well, of course I'm avoiding it. It's full of crazy people.

James Earl Jones: [v.o.] The people of Earth sometimes divide against each other based on national origin or skin color. Of course, no one else in the galaxy can tell them apart.

Nina: Dean Sumner's office called. You parked in his space.
Dick: Oh, I know. It's so much closer than mine.

Sally: What's with the guy in 114? Every time I walk by, he follows me and talks to me.
Mary: I think somebody has an admirer.
Sally: Great. Now can we talk about me?
Mary: Sally, are you seeing anyone now?
Sally: I'm looking at you, aren't I?
Mary: For god's sakes, he's trying to ask you on a date.

Sally: Come on, men. What do I even do on a date?
Dick: Oh, I've been reading about it. I'll walk you through it.
Tommy: Yeah, yeah, I'll be your date.
Dick: You're not doing anything until you've done your homework, old man.
Tommy: Oh, so you guys get to talk about sex while I make an Aztec village out of macaroni? This is fair.