Dick: Mary wants me to wear this to our party tomorrow night.
Tommy: Uh, wait, don't you mean her party?
Dick: No, ours, it's the first party we're hosting together.
Sally: So exactly which part of the party is yours?
Dick: Oh, I'm in charge of the hors d'oeuvres. I've chosen miniature egg rolls.
Sally: Oh. Well, you know, brown goes with egg rolls. Why don't you wear your brown suit?
Dick: No, Mary wants the blue. And if Mary wants the blue, Mary gets the blue.

Tommy: Uh, permission to state the obvious, High Commander?
Dick: Permission granted.
Tommy: You are so whipped.
Dick: Excuse me?
Sally: Yeah, Dick, whipped like pudding.
Dick: Pudding-whipped? I'm not pudding-whipped.
Sally: The woman tells you how to act.
Tommy: And what to say.
Sally: And what to think.
Harry: And how to act.
Sally: I said that. [slaps the back of Harry's head]
Harry: I know, I just wanted in.

Tommy: Now, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Oh.
Harry: "Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass 'go'. Do not collect $200." And do not, I repeat, do not drop the soap.

Dick: And so you will see that A equals DV over DT which equals D over DT, enclosed-- [students laugh] Oh, good, I'm glad you find Newton's laws in vector notation as hilariously misconceived as I do.
Caryn: It's not why they're laughing, Dr. Solomon. They're laughing because of this.
Dick: [takes pen from Pitman] A woman in a cocktail dress?
Pitman: Turn it upside down.
Dick: Oh, my! I'm sorry, I'll have to confiscate this until I'm through.

Bug: Dr. Solomon, can I get that back? It's for my brother's bachelor party.
Dick: Bachelor party?
Bug: He's getting married, and all the guys are taking him to a strip club.
Dick: Strip club?
Bug: Roy's House of Class.
Dick: But why wasn't I invited?
Caryn: Dr. Solomon, it's just a pathetic excuse for guys to get together and behave like pigs.
Dick: So why wasn't I invited?

Mary: Oh, Dick, would you do me a favor for tomorrow night? Would you keep an eye on Sal Talbert? Last party, I think he tried on some of my teddies. They were stretched out in the strangest places.

Dick: I have made a command decision. I am no longer whipped.
Harry: Good for you.
Dick: I'm tired of feeling like a Catholic schoolboy always getting his knuckles wrapped by the nun he's dating.
Sally: So, what's sister Mary Albright gonna say about this?
Dick: She'll just have to accept it, because I'm the man! I'm stronger than she is. I have a larger cranium. I'm far more likely to go to prison. I'm the man! Now, if I could just find someone who could teach me how to act like one. Tommy.
Sally: [laughs] I'm sorry, but before you teach him how to be a man, shouldn't you get August's permission first?
August: She- She told me not to call her until after dinner.

Sally: So, uh, you wanna watch the pencil-necked leading the hen-pecked?
Tommy: Oh, so I take it you're forfeiting, 'cause either you're rolling these dice or you're forfeiting.
Sally: Ha! "Free parking," loser!

Harry: First of all, you need a manly name. "Dick" is so girly. You need something hip, something sexy, something that says, "I'm a real man," something like Manny.
Dick: Harley.
Harry: Tubby.
Dick: Batman.
Harry: How 'bout "Sol-o-moan"?
Dick: Ooh-oh! Oh, I like that. "Dick Solomon".

Dick: How 'bout scratching?
Harry: Outside the pants, manly.
Dick: Inside the pants?
Harry: Too manly.