Principal Greschner: Tommy, I have to admit there are a few items in here that bother me. Here, for instance, where you say you will expose corruption at the highest level.
Tommy: Well, that doesn't mean you, sir.
Principal Greschner: Then why is my picture right here?
Tommy: Look, it's a new Zephyr, principal. A new Zephyr for a new millennium, and we are governed by one objective: to tell the truth. So what are you trying to hide, Principal Greschner?
Principal Greschner: What?
Tommy: Oh, I don't know. Certain relative of yours? Owns a printing press? Might get the yearbook contract?
Principal Greschner: I think you should leave now.
Tommy: Okay, off the record, though-
Principal Greschner: Out!

August: Aren't you forgetting something?
Tommy: What?
August: That girlfriend of yours is in a play tonight.
Tommy: Right. Damn. Listen, August, honey, I'm in a bit of a jam. You think you could cover the theater beat tonight?
August: Me?
Tommy: Now I know you're capable of putting your feelings for me aside, all the bitterness, all the anger, all the hate, and giving Alissa's play an honest review.
August: Yes, and again, I was the one who broke up with you. [walks away]
Tommy: I broke her heart.

Dick: Mary's up to something. We gotta go to Cathy's house and intercept her.
Harry: No! This can't be happening! She means the world to us! I've never felt so close to anybody in my entire life.
Dick: Me, neither, Harry. Where does Cathy live?
Harry: Well, I don't know.
Dick: Well, what's her last name?
Harry: Beats me.
Dick: Well, how does she spell Cathy?
Harry: Cathy? I thought it was Cassie.
Dick: Let's just follow Mary.
Harry: Let's go!

Tommy: "Principal denies yearbook scam." Okay, boys, we're putting this one to bed. Go home. See your families for a change. [applause]

Alissa: How could you do this to me?
Tommy: What?
Alissa: The things it says in here. "The rain in Spain caused this reviewer insane brain pain." How could you print this?!
Tommy: Look, Alissa, I'm a newspaperman, and it's my job to ensure that every article in here lives up to the highest journalistic standards. [Alissa sobs] And August Lefler has failed to meet those standards. August!
August: Yes?
Tommy: I gave you this assignment trusting that you could put your feelings aside for me and write an unbiased review of Alissa's play, and this is what I get? Will you stop at nothing to destroy my happiness?
August: Okay. Okay, for the last time, Tommy, I broke up with you. In fact, I started seeing somebody else when I was still with you. Ha! I couldn't be more over you.
Tommy: Oh, yeah? Well, you're fired! Hmm?
August: Ohh! [storms out]
Alissa: She really took your breakup hard, huh?
Tommy: It's sad, really.

Sally: Oh, Stephanie, now, I know you don't like green beans, but you need the vitamins if you wanna grow up to be a big girl. Oh, hi, Cathy. I'd ask you to sit down, but there's no room for you here anymore.
Cathy: What are you doing here?
Sally: I'm taking care of your family, Cathy. Someone has to. How's it feel, huh? How does it feel to know you've been replaced? [buzzer] Oop. Excuse me. Got something in the dryer. Be right back, kids!

Mary: Hi, Cathy. Look, I know we have a long history, but I also know that you're the kind of person that values loyalty and friendship above all else, so... that's why I brought my checkbook.
Harry: Cassie? Cassie! Are you okay?
Dick: Nice try, Albright!
Mary: What are you doing here?
Dick: Put that filthy checkbook down.
Mary: I have every-
Dick: Mary, no! We'll not fight in front of the m-a-i-d.

Cathy: Shut up! Now, all of you, out of my house! I quit!
Dick: But, Cathy, you're part of the family. You love us.
Cathy: I don't love you. I don't like you. I hate you!
Dick: Ah, well, I find that hate and love are actually flip sides-
Cathy: What is with you people?! I clean your house! That's it! I am not your personal property. You have no idea what I'm- I'm thinking or feeling. And I am not your mother. [Harry shrieks] [to Sally] And you... you're just a psycho. And if any of you tries to hug me again, my husband will beat the tar out of you.
Dick: So we'll see you on Monday?
Cathy: Get out!

Dick: You know, maybe we're better off without Cathy.
Sally: Ah, hear, hear.
Harry: Place smells like us again.
Tommy: Yeah. Sauerkraut, old fruit, and wet dog.
Harry: Mmm. Stop, you're making me hungry.

Dick: You know, the people of this planet are obsessed with getting other people to do their dirty work.
Harry: Oh, we fell right into it.
Dick: Humans could solve so many of their problems if everybody would just take responsibility for their own mess. How does she get these so small?
Harry: I don't know. She never let me watch.
Dick: Oh, damn!