Tommy: Has anybody else noticed that our place is looking a little, uh, messy?
Dick: Ya think?
Tommy: Well, it's just 'cause I don't have any clean clothes, you know, and we don't have any clean dishes, and there's no clean... anything.
All: Ew!
Dick: We're living like common hobos here. How did this happen?
Harry: You know, I think that this started a couple of weeks ago. I had a fork, and I put it in the sink, and then I just thought, "Ah, I'll wash it later."
Dick: No, Harry, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's Sally's fault. Ever since she moved into Dubcek's garage, this whole place has gone to pot.
Tommy: Oh, I miss her.
Harry: I miss clean underpants.
Tommy: That's what I meant.

Tommy: I don't get this. Why do I have to pick an extracurricular activity? I mean, curricular? Fine. I'll give 'em that. But extra? You know, that's my time.
Alissa: You can join the debate team.
Tommy: They're a bunch of argumentative hammerheads.
Alissa: How about the drama club?
Tommy: Artsy-fartsy losers.
Alissa: I'm in the drama club!
Tommy: Well, you didn't let me finish. See, had you, you would've heard me say that artsy-fartsy losers are not allowed in the drama club. That's what I was gonna say. You didn't let me finish.
Alissa: Well, we're doing My Fair Lady. You could sing in front of the whole school.
Tommy: Oh, really? 'Cause I'd be more comfortable, like, not doing that.

Dick: Oh, Nina, you're friendly with Raoul down in the cafeteria kitchen, aren't you?
Nina: No.
Dick: Oh, good. Then I have a great icebreaker for you. Could you ask him to wash these dishes and have 'em back by 6:00?
Nina: You know, I'm about 10 seconds away from quitting this job.
Dick: Oh, then you'd better hurry.
Nina: Okay. [drops box of dishers]
Dick: You're only creating more work for yourself.

Dick: Oh, good morning, Mary. I- I was just thinking. How about a romantic evening for two tonight? Just the two of us at my place.
Mary: I like what I'm hearing. Tell me more.
Dick: Some soft jazz playing in the background, a little candlelight, a little champagne, a little dustbuster.
Mary: A little what?
Dick: I was hoping maybe you could give my place a little once-over before we get down to business.

Mary: I have a woman who cleans my house, Cathy. She's terrific. Here. I'll give you her number.
Dick: A woman I don't even know would clean my house?
Mary: Uh-huh.
Dick: She's not my relative.
Mary: Nope.
Dick: I'm not sleeping with her?
Mary: No.
Dick: Well, what's in it for her?
Mary: You pay her.
Dick: Oh. Well, all right, but our champagne evening just turned into beer and jerky in the parking lot.

Tommy: Ahem. August, hi. Look, I know we have a history together, and being dumped is never easy, and so, I don't blame you for being upset. But I just wanted you to know that I'm with Alissa now, and I just hope that you can deal with seeing me another woman.
August: Tommy, um, I was the one who broke up with you. [walks away]
Tommy: Poor kid.

Dick & Harry: Ta-Da!
Mrs. Dubcek: What?
Dick: Look at our place. It's spotless.
Harry: And we want you to be the first person to eat off our floor.
Dick: It's that clean. Go on, eat.
Mrs. Dubcek: The next time you drag me away from Judge Judy, there better be a fire.

Harry: I never met anyone like you before, Cathy. The way you pair up socks, put them in the same drawer... genius. Yeah. I don't know how you turn the toilet water blue, and I don't want to know. Just don't stop doing it.
Cathy: Okay.

Sally: Hello, Harry. Is she here?
Harry: Is who here?
Sally: That Cathy woman.
Harry: Yeah. She's in the kitchen.
Sally: This is driving me crazy. Tell me, Harry, is she better than me?
Harry: Well, you put me in an awkward position here, Sally, but, yes. Yes, she's much better than you. Wow, that wasn't as awkward as I thought.
Sally: [goes to the kitchen] Well, look at you. Made yourself quite at home, haven't you, huh?
Caryn: Pardon?
Sally: Bet you've done this kind of thing before, huh?
Caryn: Yeah, plenty. 15 years. Dozens of families.
Sally: You slut!

August: Here you go. Your review.
Tommy: Oh. [clears throat] Yeah. [clears throat] "To watch the drama club's new production of My Fair Lady by Lerner and Loewe is to learn how low a show can go." That's very clever.
August: Keep reading.
Tommy: "In the role of Eliza, Alissa Strudwick could indeed do little. Her inept accent providing no distraction from her non-existent singing voice." You didn't hold back here, did you?
August: Um, sadly, I did.
Tommy: Oh. Man, she's going to be hurt.
August: Look, you know what? I don't blame you if you don't print this. I mean, she's your girlfriend.
Tommy: She is my girlfriend.
August: And this is just a newspaper.
Tommy: Just a newspaper? Just a newspaper, huh? Oh, and I suppose that America is just a country, and integrity is just a word, and ideals is just some dream that little kids have?!
August: Okay! Okay. I get your point. Run it.
Tommy: Hey, I'm the guy who says, "run it." Run it.