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Citizen Solomon

‘Citizen Solomon’

Season 4, Episode 19 -  Aired April 27, 1999

Dick hires away Mary's maid to deal with the mess that has built up since Sally moved out. Meanwhile, Tommy joins the school newspaper.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: Has anybody else noticed that our place is looking a little, uh, messy?
Dick: Ya think?
Tommy: Well, it's just 'cause I don't have any clean clothes, you know, and we don't have any clean dishes, and there's no clean... anything.
All: Ew!
Dick: We're living like common hobos here. How did this happen?
Harry: You know, I think that this started a couple of weeks ago. I had a fork, and I put it in the sink, and then I just thought, "Ah, I'll wash it later."
Dick: No, Harry, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's Sally's fault. Ever since she moved into Dubcek's garage, this whole place has gone to pot.
Tommy: Oh, I miss her.
Harry: I miss clean underpants.
Tommy: That's what I meant.


Quote from Tommy

Tommy: I don't get this. Why do I have to pick an extracurricular activity? I mean, curricular? Fine. I'll give 'em that. But extra? You know, that's my time.
Alissa: You can join the debate team.
Tommy: They're a bunch of argumentative hammerheads.
Alissa: How about the drama club?
Tommy: Artsy-fartsy losers.
Alissa: I'm in the drama club!
Tommy: Well, you didn't let me finish. See, had you, you would've heard me say that artsy-fartsy losers are not allowed in the drama club. That's what I was gonna say. You didn't let me finish.
Alissa: Well, we're doing My Fair Lady. You could sing in front of the whole school.
Tommy: Oh, really? 'Cause I'd be more comfortable, like, not doing that.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Oh, Nina, you're friendly with Raoul down in the cafeteria kitchen, aren't you?
Nina: No.
Dick: Oh, good. Then I have a great icebreaker for you. Could you ask him to wash these dishes and have 'em back by 6:00?
Nina: You know, I'm about 10 seconds away from quitting this job.
Dick: Oh, then you'd better hurry.
Nina: Okay. [drops box of dishers]
Dick: You're only creating more work for yourself.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Oh, good morning, Mary. I- I was just thinking. How about a romantic evening for two tonight? Just the two of us at my place.
Mary: I like what I'm hearing. Tell me more.
Dick: Some soft jazz playing in the background, a little candlelight, a little champagne, a little dustbuster.
Mary: A little what?
Dick: I was hoping maybe you could give my place a little once-over before we get down to business.

Quote from Dick

Mary: I have a woman who cleans my house, Cathy. She's terrific. Here. I'll give you her number.
Dick: A woman I don't even know would clean my house?
Mary: Uh-huh.
Dick: She's not my relative.
Mary: Nope.
Dick: I'm not sleeping with her?
Mary: No.
Dick: Well, what's in it for her?
Mary: You pay her.
Dick: Oh. Well, all right, but our champagne evening just turned into beer and jerky in the parking lot.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: Ahem. August, hi. Look, I know we have a history together, and being dumped is never easy, and so, I don't blame you for being upset. But I just wanted you to know that I'm with Alissa now, and I just hope that you can deal with seeing me another woman.
August: Tommy, um, I was the one who broke up with you. [walks away]
Tommy: Poor kid.

Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

Dick & Harry: Ta-Da!
Mrs. Dubcek: What?
Dick: Look at our place. It's spotless.
Harry: And we want you to be the first person to eat off our floor.
Dick: It's that clean. Go on, eat.
Mrs. Dubcek: The next time you drag me away from Judge Judy, there better be a fire.

Quote from Harry

Harry: I never met anyone like you before, Cathy. The way you pair up socks, put them in the same drawer... genius. Yeah. I don't know how you turn the toilet water blue, and I don't want to know. Just don't stop doing it.
Cathy: Okay.

Quote from Sally

Sally: Hello, Harry. Is she here?
Harry: Is who here?
Sally: That Cathy woman.
Harry: Yeah. She's in the kitchen.
Sally: This is driving me crazy. Tell me, Harry, is she better than me?
Harry: Well, you put me in an awkward position here, Sally, but, yes. Yes, she's much better than you. Wow, that wasn't as awkward as I thought.
Sally: [goes to the kitchen] Well, look at you. Made yourself quite at home, haven't you, huh?
Caryn: Pardon?
Sally: Bet you've done this kind of thing before, huh?
Caryn: Yeah, plenty. 15 years. Dozens of families.
Sally: You slut!

Quote from Tommy

August: Here you go. Your review.
Tommy: Oh. [clears throat] Yeah. [clears throat] "To watch the drama club's new production of My Fair Lady by Lerner and Loewe is to learn how low a show can go." That's very clever.
August: Keep reading.
Tommy: "In the role of Eliza, Alissa Strudwick could indeed do little. Her inept accent providing no distraction from her non-existent singing voice." You didn't hold back here, did you?
August: Um, sadly, I did.
Tommy: Oh. Man, she's going to be hurt.
August: Look, you know what? I don't blame you if you don't print this. I mean, she's your girlfriend.
Tommy: She is my girlfriend.
August: And this is just a newspaper.
Tommy: Just a newspaper? Just a newspaper, huh? Oh, and I suppose that America is just a country, and integrity is just a word, and ideals is just some dream that little kids have?!
August: Okay! Okay. I get your point. Run it.
Tommy: Hey, I'm the guy who says, "run it." Run it.

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