August: You sure you don't mind seeing this movie?
Tommy: [sarcastically] Oh, no. Anne Bancroft, Olympia Dukakis, and Holly Hunter? What teenage boy wouldn't want to see this movie?

Mary: We've been meaning to get together. I'll ask him to drop by.
Dick: Wonderful. And when he gets here, just act normal.
Mary: I'd ask you to do the same, but I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

Sally: Now we have to kill him.
Dick: You are overreacting.
Sally: Dick, he could turn us in. Do you really want to be the subject of some alien autopsy show on the FOX network?
Dick: You're jumping to conclusions.
Harry: And FOX is not a network.

Dick: You touched my radio.
Sally: No, I didn't.
Dick: Yes, you did. I always leave it tuned to Big Country 902.1. I turned it on, and out came Mucho Salsa 106.
Sally: Well, you used my leg razor to shave your stupid face.
Dick: That's because the delicate handle is easier to grip.

Dick: [on the phone] No, Sally, I will not apologize. And let me tell you what- Hello? Hello- [redials] Sally, I am the High Commander, and you are not allowed to hang up on- Hello? [redials] Sally? [hangs up]

Dick: Sally, the Albrights will be here any minute now. This is a special occasion. Where's the salmon mousse, the duck terrine, the smoked chub?
Sally: You know, Dick, I have a cleaver in my hand.

Mary: I'm sorry about Roy. I told him not to tell that story, but he never does anything I ask.
Dick: That's Sally all over.
Mary: It's hard being the oldest. They think we're trying to run their lives.
Dick: When all we're trying to do is control them.

Dick: Do you think that Roy actually was abducted by aliens?
Mary: No, but I prayed for it every night as a kid. What about you? Do you think there's intelligent life up there? [points to the sky]
Dick: There? No, not there. There. [points elsewhere]

James Earl Jones: [v.o.] Earth is a place where backing down causes ego problems, while backing up causes severe tire damage.

Sally: What are you doing?
Harry: I'm waxing the floor. You know, it's nice to know that every time I take some responsibility, I move a step closer to my promotion.
Tommy: You're on the road to the top.
Harry: And I don't care who I step on to get there.
Sally: Well, nice job, Harry. Ha! Floor's so shiny, I can see up my own dress. [Harry looks down] That's enough.