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Season 1, Episode 9 - Aired March 5, 1996

Tired of Solomons getting on each other's nerves, Dick invites Mary's brother to dinner to see how a family should act.

Quote from Harry

Roy: I guess a layman would call it an abduction, but what those space people did to me that night was more of a spiritual kidnapping.
Mary: Yeah, right, aliens traveled billions of light years through space to ram a probe up Roy Albright's butt.
Tommy: Tell us about the space people, Roy.
Roy: I'm driving along the road one night really late, and then I pull off into this cornfield. And then all of a sudden, I see this rip in the atmosphere. And then hovering right over my head is this giant hovering thing.
Mary: It was a weather balloon.
Roy: Except weather balloons don't poke you in the eyes with needles.
Harry: Well, that doesn't sound like anyone we know. [off Dick's look] I mean, we know.


Quote from Mary

Dick: Go on.
Roy: I'm in the spaceship, and I'm surrounded by all this...
Dick: Foam?
Roy: Exactly.
Mary: Roy, you were never in a spaceship.
Roy: I was in a spaceship and I have the scars to prove it!
Mary: Roy Lewis Albright, if you have one decent bone in your body, you will not do this to me.
Roy: [bends over] So, anyway, you can see where-
Mary: That's it, no more. I need some air.

Quote from Sally

Dick: I am the High Commander, and I'm putting this decision on hold. I'm going to check on Dr. Albright. You go entertain Roy!
Tommy: I'll pull a quarter out of his ear.
Sally: I'll pull his brain out of his ear.

Quote from Dick

Dick: This had better be important.
Tommy: I don't know if it's important or not, but you know that cornfield down by the interstate?
Dick: Yes.
Tommy: Sally took Roy there to kill him. But sorry to interrupt.
Dick: Oh, damn! She's willfully disobeying my orders. And in a cornfield? That's such a cliche.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: August?
August: We had a date tonight.
Dick: [o.s.] Cornfield time.
August: Either you go with him and live his life, or you come with me and live yours.
Tommy: But he needs me.
August: Fine. Maybe next week you can try and get to first base with your dad.
Dick: [o.s.] Tommy!
Tommy: Bye-bye, Dick.

Quote from Dick

Roy: I did not ask to be beamed on board that ship of unspeakable horror.
Dick: Excuse me. Beamed? You said "sucked."
Roy: No, I said "beamed."
Dick: Who heard "sucked"? [all hands go up]
Roy: Well, yeah.
Sally: You're lying.
Roy: I'm lying.
Dick: He's lying.

Quote from Dick

Dick: You're going to see him at your mom's birthday?
Mary: Yeah. It's a birthday. He's family.
Dick: So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?
Mary: Yeah, even then.
Dick: That is so beautiful. I'm a brother.

Quote from Sally

Sally: All right, Dick, come on. I disobeyed orders. I deserve some punishment. What'll it be?
Dick: Well, Sally, ordinarily I'd send you to some desolate moon and make you stand in a crater and think about what you've done, but I've realized that I've got to accept your flaws and your inadequacies because you're my sister now. And even though sometimes you tick me off, I think I... I love you.
Sally: What?
Dick: You're my little sister, and I love you. Now, how does that make you feel?
Sally: Well, um... I want to blame you for everything and push you off the roof.
Dick: Well, that's great, because Dr. Albright loves her brother and she feels the same way.
Sally: Great, 'cause that's how I feel.
Dick: I'm so glad we've got that settled.
Sally: Me, too. [pushes Dick]
Dick: Whoa!
Sally: I love you, too.
Dick: [o.s.] I'm so happy!

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