Jim: Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Kevin: We...
Oscar: Hold on. Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the... Carry the four... And... It doesn't work.

Dwight K. Schrute: [Reading from computer] "Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!" That means you can't make me do squat.
Meredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.

Dwight K. Schrute: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.

Clark: Stretch. Alright.
Stanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Clark: I, my legs cramp up! Okay, it's a circulation issue.
Stanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.

Andy: Um, okay, I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?

Stanley: Well, I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, listen. Everything here is up to code.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, the wires need insulation! It's a wire, people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.

Nellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Andy: Fine. I will give you one minute.
Nellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Andy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of its baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Nellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Andy: A baby what? A human?

Darryl: What are you doing?
Jim: Getting my wife a week off from work.
Darryl: You popped one kernel.
Jim: Awesome, right? [leaves]
Clark: So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Darryl: Correct.

Dwight K. Schrute: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their powers that way.