Michael Scott: The first guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
Christian: [laughing] Oh, no! No! Oh, my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Jan: Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?

Jim: Do we all have our copy of Threat Level Midnight by Michael Scott?
Kevin: Yeah.
Oscar: Oh, yeah.
Jim: All right, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions and, Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Phyllis: That's the character's name?
Jim: Oh, yeah.

Michael Scott: That's why I wanted a signal between us, so I wouldn't have to just shout nonsense words. That's her fault.

Michael Scott: Did somebody say, "baby back ribs"? Hmm? Hmm?
Jan: I don't think Christian has time for that.
Michael Scott: I have time. [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian joins in] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back Chili's baby-back ribs I want my baby-back, baby-back...

Jim: "Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta-Jones enters."
Phyllis: "Sir, you have some messages."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Not now!"
Phyllis: "They're important."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Okay, what are they?"
Phyllis: "The first message is, 'I love you.' That's from me."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Not in a thousand years, Catherine, we work together. And get off my desk."

Dwight K. Schrute: "If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang."
Ryan: "Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Thank you for noticing. Now, keep me company for one more mission."
Ryan: "But as soon as I blow out these candles."
Jim: Michael Scarn takes out a 9mm gun and shoots the cake.
Ryan: "[laughing] Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word."

Jim: So I guess I'll see you in ten hours.
Pam: What are you gonna do with your time off?
Jim: Travel.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be really nice. I'm gonna find myself.

Michael Scott: No, nothing happened. I swear. Nothing happened. What? I'm totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell. And neither do I. No, seriously, guys, I'm not [stuttering] I don't want to go into it at all.
It's off-limits. Fine. I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean, she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm, so...

Michael Scott: Hello, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you do her?
Michael Scott: Who?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jan Levinson-Gould.
Michael Scott: Uh, no, no. No Gould.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you do her?
Michael Scott: This is none of your affair. Because she is your boss.
Dwight K. Schrute: And she is your boss.
Michael Scott: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. Jan, I defend your honor. Is that all?

Michael Scott: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question, do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship.