Jim: Is this real?
Pam: It is a screenplay starring himself.
Jim: Agent Michael Scarn.
Pam: Of the FBI.
Jim: How long is this? Oh, Pam! Good work! Oh, wait, stop. Drawings.
Pam: What is that?
Jim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.

Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! In the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.

Kevin: Michael's movie? Two thumbs down.

Jan: I was stupid.
Michael Scott: No, no, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid, right?
Christian: That's right. You know? You were really brave. I mean, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
Michael Scott: That's true.
Christian: You said, "World, this is my blood, it's red, just like yours. So love me."

Christian: Right down the street?
Michael Scott: Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on moving. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have. I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges that this county is up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers, they don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business. And then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
Christian: I know.
Michael Scott: It's bad.
Christian: It's terrible. It is.
Michael Scott: You know what? It really is.
Christian: I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me halfway, okay, because they're expecting me to make cuts.
Michael Scott: Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but you think we could, Jan?

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael? Michael? Michael? His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports.

Oscar: She had done a background check on me. She had it printed out.
Jim: No.
Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Ryan: That is unbelievable.

Michael Scott: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.

Michael Scott: Jan, what happened?
Jan: Michael.
Michael Scott: Is Gould dead? What-
Jan: Michael, we got divorced, okay?
Michael Scott: I'm so sorry, excuse me. Wow, you're kidding me. Do you want to talk about it?
Jan: Michael. Could we have a table for three, please?
Michael Scott: When did this happen?
Jan: We're in a meeting.

Pam: Okay, you want me to read them?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam: Okay. "A fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue, leading an animal behind him when-"
Michael Scott: No, no. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Pam: Okay. "There's a transcript between a naval ship-"
Michael Scott: Okay! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Pam: Sure. "There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse..."