Kevin: It's negative.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna- Come here.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Well, apparently, in the medicine community, "negative" means "good," which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.

Michael Scott: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar: Who is this guy again?
Michael Scott: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette. He's doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael Scott: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan. I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
Oscar: It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme.
Michael Scott: Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will.
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, that one from the e-mail?
Michael Scott: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay? All right, so raise your hand if you wanna get rich. All right.
Jim: No. How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael Scott: All right, let me explain, again. Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we're all gonna make. It's not a pyramid scheme. It is a- It's not even a scheme, per se. It's...
[Jim draws a triangle around Michael's drawing of the different levels of participants]
Michael Scott: I have to go make a call.

Michael Scott: Today is my B-day. And people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh, fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, that is not an 8-foot sub.
Delivery guy: We don't make an 8-foot sub. This is eight 1-foot subs.
Dwight K. Schrute: F. All right, what's the damage?
Delivery guy: $39.60.
Dwight K. Schrute: $39. Sixty.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.

Jim: Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. And then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done.

Michael Scott: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash from the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside. And my mother was rubbing cream on me for probably three hours and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

Michael Scott: When I was 16, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with. So she went out with him on my birthday. And she got him a cake at the restaurant, and it wasn't even his birthday. But I heard about it the next day in school. So, that was the worst birthday I think I ever had.

Jim: So, we got Kev some stuff. Party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie. And he lent it to Creed, so I can guarantee you he won't get that back.
Pam: Sixty-nine Cup of Noodles.
Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number.
Pam: And his favorite lunch.

Jan: [on the phone] Hello, Michael?
Michael Scott: Hey, you.
Jan: I'm returning your call. You said it was urgent.
Michael Scott: It is urgent. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan: Well, today's not my birthday. So...
Michael Scott: Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan: Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks.
Jan: [on the phone] Am I on camera?
Michael Scott: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart.
[call disconnects]
Michael Scott: [to camera person] You can take a five if you want.