Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me and she still hates me, so.

Jim: Are you kidding?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not done yet.
Jim: Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight K. Schrute: They match the carpet.
Jim: What is that? "It is your birthday, period"
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a statement of fact.
Jim: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Michael Scott: I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor because I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the pledge of allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. [singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America And to the republic for which it stands One nation under God With a woof-woof here And a woof-woof there Here a woof, there a woof, Everywhere a woof, woof- You get it.

Michael Scott: Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually, we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. Seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently, Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches - except Nashua, still a little bit raw there - but I am going to these branches and I am telling them my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices in a sales batter.

Michael Scott: [on the phone] No! Oh, my God. No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you- This is going to be hard for me to speak today because I just learned that my father has died. [cheering up] No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No, you can't. Yes, Karen? Do you need to go pump?
Karen: Not gonna have to do that till after I have the baby, no. I am wondering, what are you talking about?
Michael Scott: I am talking about how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
Karen: But now we think you're a liar.
Michael Scott: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?

Michael Scott: Well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Pam: He brought a sled.
Michael Scott: No, that is a toboggan. You never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill, so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.

Pam: So, when are you due?
Karen: In about a month.
Pam: Wow. That is wonderful. Congratulations.
Karen: Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
Michael Scott: It's really amazing. Congratulations, Karen. So, is there a guy or a person or a sperm machine that did this to you or?
Karen: Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me. His name is Dan. This is us. So dorky.
Pam: He's cute.
Karen: He's a dermatologist. We met at a bar. Can you believe that?
Pam: What is happening there?
Karen: Yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.
Pam: It's really sweet.
Michael Scott: No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.

Andy: Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl and I'm completely panicking.
Oscar: Oh, my desk is over...
Creed: This gal, she's really into you?
Andy: Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today, and we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room she totally looks up.
Creed: All right. Say no more. This is how I got Squeaky Fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy: Okay, it sounds risky.
Creed: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy: Wait, what?

Jim: I'm collecting $3 from everybody for Kelly's party.
Creed: I'd like to contribute.
Jim: Oh, great.
Creed: [handing Jim a single three dollar bill] There you go.

Michael Scott: [over P.A.] This is your captain speaking. The office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left-hand window, and you will see Vance Refrigeration.
I am the ghost of salesmen past. Do not come near me! [laughing]